Why is it so hard to leave?

I can only speak from experience……

Why is it so hard to leave an abusive lover? I have 4 main reasons why I didn’t.

My childhood, I watched my mom love a man who abused her, she never left and never told me those things weren’t ok. Somewhere in my mind, I thought things like this were supposed to happen. No one was around to teach and show me how a man really was supposed to treat you.

I loved him, this boy was my family, my best friend and more. It’s hard to let go of someone who was so close to you. Something that used to be strong and was planned to be forever. Some people stick to their vows no matter what happens. Even those that aren’t even married. Some people are just committed to what they want to happen. Sometimes your abuser can still be kind and be very sweet at times to the point you forgive him over and over again. But they turn around and do the same thing, that’s manipulated love. But of course we let them think that what they are doing to us is ok because at the end of the day that boy has you right where he wants you. He knows you will come back, he knows you won’t leave. This boy was the first guy I knew he took me in and protected me from the world. He became closer to me than any other male. The boy I once knew is gone, but in my heart I just knew that boy would come back, and all I needed to do was wait for him to return. But will he ever?

Low self-esteem, he made me think that no one loved me but him. He made me think I wasn’t pretty anymore. He made me think that there was no one out there that would love me like he did. So why leave? Who wants to be alone? But who wants to be with a stranger? That boy made me think I wasn’t capable of doing anything in life. That boy made me feel like a bad girlfriend, a bad daughter and the worst mother ever. Nothing I did was good enough for that boy. That boy made me give up on myself.

Then there’s fear, what if I did get up and leave, what would happen to me? Knowing that I can’t defeat this boy and battling is not what I wanted to do. When was the coast clear to leave? Will I even be safe if I go? Will he find me and hurt me even worse than before? I don’t want to see him hurting in jail because I still love him. I don’t want to go, I still love him. Even when we finally leave we somehow find a way back. Only because we were manipulated into believing that this is it.

Nobody out here loves me. I don’t have many options, I don’t know where to go. We look at everybody else around us differently. This boy was once my protector and now I need to be protected from him.

My abuser was insecure, an alcoholic and a cheater. He wanted everything to be my fault and to feel as low as he felt. Sometimes we don’t know what’s wrong with our abusers. Why they do the things they do. Maybe someone did the same thing to them that they are doing to you. Maybe they grew up believing certain situations are ok. A lot of people’s childhoods affect everything in their life….

Pay attention to change. Know what change is. Know when change is happening. Don’t be blinded by love. Don’t let love manipulate you. Don’t settle for less, learn what’s right, know what’s right and don’t ever let a boy take your rights away. Most importantly know that a boy and a man are two different kinds of people.

-Lucy, age 19, survivor in the domestic violence track of Huck House’s Transitional Living Program

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