Resources
This is our community. These are our kids. Together, we can make an impact.
CARR/Youth Outreach Program.
If you want help accessing community resources or information about youth housing options call the YOP Shop:
If you are in a crisis and need help, call our 24-hour crisis hotline:
Q&A For Youth
I need a safe place to stay. Can Huck House help with housing?
The Huck House Crisis Shelter offers a temporary safe place to stay for teens ages 12 to 17 who are struggling with a disruptive, dangerous, or difficult situation at home. The average length of stay at the shelter is five to seven days, and we work to help you safely return home whenever possible. If you’re 17 or older, we can help link you to safe housing options. We also offer a Transitional Living Program that can help young people learn how to establish homes of their own. Learn more about our housing program.
Where is Huck House and what if I need help getting there?
Huck House is located at 1421 Hamlet Street in the Weinland Park area. If you can’t safely get here on your own, our Safe Place Partners can help. To find a Safe Place site, send a text to 44357 with the word SAFE and your current location. Learn more about our Safe Place Program.
If I come to the shelter can I bring my cell phone?
Yes. You are allowed to have your cell phone and other devices at Huck House. But you might not have a connection to WiFi. We just ask that you do not take pictures of other youth while you are here. Learn more about our Crisis Shelter.
Do I need my parent or guardian’s permission to stay at Huck House?
Huck House staff will contact your parent or guardian within 24 hours of your arrival at Huck House. Our staff members are really good at convincing guardians to allow young people to stay here. We explain how helpful we can be for you and your family. We encourage you to come in and talk to us, and we will do our best to get you permission to stay.
I’m not ready to leave home. Yet. But things with my family are getting bad. Can you help?
Absolutely. The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House provides individual and family counseling to young people and families struggling with all types of issues including trauma, substance abuse, identity confusion, and immigration and assimilation problems. You don’t have to be currently facing a crisis situation to take advantage of our services. In fact, the program is designed to help you prevent a crisis before it happens. Learn more about The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House.
If I’m 18 or older, is there anything Huck House can do to help me?
Our Crisis Shelter is only for teens ages 12 to 17. But we do offer programs tailored to the needs of older youth, including The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House and Transitional Living Program. We also have a YOP Shop that serves youth who are 12 to 24 years old. Located in the Linden area, the YOP Shop is open Monday through Friday, 10 am to 6 pm, and staffed by counselors who can help link you to safe housing and other essential resources. Learn more about our programs.
Q&A For Parents
If a youth shows up at your crisis shelter will you let me know?
Yes. It’s our policy to contact parents/guardians within 24 hours of a youth arriving at Huck House.
Can I visit my youth while she’s staying at the crisis shelter?
Yes. We encourage interaction as much as possible, and we believe that our program is most effective when the whole family is involved. You will be invited to participate in family counseling sessions, and you can also stop by at your convenience. Other family members, including grandparents and siblings, are welcome to visit, too. Youth may even attend outings with you or with other family members or friends, with your permission. In general, it’s a good idea to let us know when you’re planning a visit so we can be sure your youth is here—we go on many different group outings and most of our youth do attend school and work.
How long can my youth stay at Huck House?
Youth typically stay with us for about five days. But every situation is unique. We are always working toward resolving family issues and reuniting families whenever it’s safe and possible to do so.
Are your counseling services only for youth that stay in the Crisis Shelter?
No. Many of the youth who stay in our Crisis Shelter are referred to The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House for ongoing counseling. But our counselors provide individual and family counseling for other Central Ohio families as well. We work with families struggling with all types of issues including trauma, substance abuse, identity confusion, and immigration and assimilation problems. Learn more about The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House.
What do your counseling services cost?
There is no cost to the families we serve. If you have Medicaid, your benefits will cover your counseling. If you don’t have insurance, the cost is covered by the Alcohol, Drug, and Mental Health Board of Franklin County. Currently, we cannot serve families with private insurance, and we will refer those families to another program.
Can I participate in counseling with my child?
Yes. We like to offer a combination of individual and family counseling. So it’s likely we’ll meet with you and your youth separately. We also hold family sessions where we will work with you and your youth together along with other members of the family who would like to participate.
What if my family can’t make it to your office for counseling?
That’s not a problem. We can meet you at your home, at your child’s school, or even at the park if that’s best for you. We offer counseling services during they day as well as evenings and weekends to fit your family’s schedule.
Have a different question? Click here to learn more about our programs and how we can help. Or call Huck House at (614) 294-8097. You can also call our 24/7 Crisis Hotline (614) 294-5553 for immediate assistance.
Important Resources for Parents
Below are links to some of our most popular parent resources. If you have additional questions about how we can help, click here to learn more about our programs. Or give us a call at (614) 294-8097. You can also call our 24/7 Crisis Hotline (614) 294-5553 for immediate crisis assistance.
Teens and Drugs and Alcohol
Teens and Drugs and Alcohol
Among the many issues that teens have to confront these days, substance use is one of the most widespread. Most parents know that it’s important to talk with your teen about drugs and alcohol. It’s not always easy to have that conversation. How do you talk to your teen about drugs? Here are a few tips:
Don’t lecture
As always, when the speech starts, your teen stops listening. Try starting a conversation with questions instead. How easy is it to find drugs at your school? What do you think about drug use? Are there some kids you know who have problems with drinking? You may want to agree to some “immunity” for your teen for sharing this information with you. “I won’t make you stop being friends with someone as long as you’re not in danger when you hang out together”, for example.
Don’t overstate the danger
Don’t try to use overblown scare tactics to get your teen’s attention. Many teens will quickly see through any over-dramatizing, whether it’s in a commercial or a conversation with you. The truth is that not everyone who drinks alcohol or uses drugs will abuse them or become addicted. It’s OK to acknowledge that. Point out, though, that even though some people experiment with drugs with little or no problems, drugs like cocaine, meth or heroin can harm or kill someone the first time.
Explain the real risks
The problem with drugs and alcohol is that while not everyone will become an addict, anyone can become one. One person can use heavily without developing a problem; others can use infrequently and become dependent. As Anthony Wolf, PhD. explains, the only way you know for sure which one you will be is when you become an addict.
Your teen needs to know about any factors that may put him or her at risk. Studies have shown consistently that a family history of drug or alcohol dependence can put a person at greater risk for substance abuse. If your teen has a family history of problems with drugs or alcohol, make sure he or she knows to be extra careful about his or her choices.
Don’t forget the other problems
Remember, drug and alcohol use has other dangers besides addiction. Underage alcohol use is illegal. All recreational drug use is illegal. Teens can get themselves or their friends into serious trouble. Also, drugs and alcohol make teens vulnerable to really dangerous behavior like driving impaired or having unsafe sex. Criminals look for potential victims who seem less aware of their surroundings, and a drunk or high teen can be an easy target.
There may be higher risks for girls
Alcohol and drugs are dangerous for teens, period. Some evidence suggests, though, that females are at greater risk for getting drunker quicker, and for abuse or addiction problems, than males. This is because most females metabolize or “absorb” alcohol more slowly than males. This leaves the alcohol in their systems longer and intoxication can be more severe.
Beware of bingeing
For both males and females, some of the most dangerous drinking is “binge drinking,” or drinking as much alcohol as possible in the shortest time. Bingeing is often a party game or part of a college initiation. This kind of consumption can lead to coma or death because the brain simply cannot handle so much alcohol all at once. Tell your teen to avoid those kinds of games.
Be truthful
If your teen asks about your use when you were a teen or young adult, tell the truth. If you experimented in your youth, say so. You don’t have to go into detail. You can also talk about what you thought then, what you think about it now, and how your mistakes (or close calls) have affected your life today. Sometimes teens make the argument, “Well, you have a couple beers after work. Isn’t that the same thing?” It’s OK and important to say, yes, there are some things about that which are the same. But there are differences too. The differences are:
- It’s legal for me to use alcohol.
- I’m not putting myself or others at risk (i.e., driving drunk).
- You are still learning to make important decisions. Alcohol and drugs make it harder for you to do that (see above).
- Acknowledge your own issues
This may be tough, but teens listen to and respect adults who can admit their own mistakes and inconsistencies. You may decide to confront your own use and make changes in your life. It’s OK for your teen to know that you are addressing your own problems. It’s even OK for your teen to see how tough that can be, especially if they also see you continuing to try.
Remember, teens report that their parents’ rules and expectations are a deterrent to using drugs and alcohol. Talk to your teen!
Teens and Drugs and Alcohol
Teens and Drugs and Alcohol
Among the many issues that teens have to confront these days, substance use is one of the most widespread. Most parents know that it’s important to talk with your teen about drugs and alcohol. It’s not always easy to have that conversation. How do you talk to your teen about drugs? Here are a few tips:
Don’t lecture
As always, when the speech starts, your teen stops listening. Try starting a conversation with questions instead. How easy is it to find drugs at your school? What do you think about drug use? Are there some kids you know who have problems with drinking? You may want to agree to some “immunity” for your teen for sharing this information with you. “I won’t make you stop being friends with someone as long as you’re not in danger when you hang out together”, for example.
Don’t overstate the danger
Don’t try to use overblown scare tactics to get your teen’s attention. Many teens will quickly see through any over-dramatizing, whether it’s in a commercial or a conversation with you. The truth is that not everyone who drinks alcohol or uses drugs will abuse them or become addicted. It’s OK to acknowledge that. Point out, though, that even though some people experiment with drugs with little or no problems, drugs like cocaine, meth or heroin can harm or kill someone the first time.
Explain the real risks
The problem with drugs and alcohol is that while not everyone will become an addict, anyone can become one. One person can use heavily without developing a problem; others can use infrequently and become dependent. As Anthony Wolf, PhD. explains, the only way you know for sure which one you will be is when you become an addict.
Your teen needs to know about any factors that may put him or her at risk. Studies have shown consistently that a family history of drug or alcohol dependence can put a person at greater risk for substance abuse. If your teen has a family history of problems with drugs or alcohol, make sure he or she knows to be extra careful about his or her choices.
Don’t forget the other problems
Remember, drug and alcohol use has other dangers besides addiction. Underage alcohol use is illegal. All recreational drug use is illegal. Teens can get themselves or their friends into serious trouble. Also, drugs and alcohol make teens vulnerable to really dangerous behavior like driving impaired or having unsafe sex. Criminals look for potential victims who seem less aware of their surroundings, and a drunk or high teen can be an easy target.
There may be higher risks for girls
Alcohol and drugs are dangerous for teens, period. Some evidence suggests, though, that females are at greater risk for getting drunker quicker, and for abuse or addiction problems, than males. This is because most females metabolize or “absorb” alcohol more slowly than males. This leaves the alcohol in their systems longer and intoxication can be more severe.
Beware of bingeing
For both males and females, some of the most dangerous drinking is “binge drinking,” or drinking as much alcohol as possible in the shortest time. Bingeing is often a party game or part of a college initiation. This kind of consumption can lead to coma or death because the brain simply cannot handle so much alcohol all at once. Tell your teen to avoid those kinds of games.
Be truthful
If your teen asks about your use when you were a teen or young adult, tell the truth. If you experimented in your youth, say so. You don’t have to go into detail. You can also talk about what you thought then, what you think about it now, and how your mistakes (or close calls) have affected your life today. Sometimes teens make the argument, “Well, you have a couple beers after work. Isn’t that the same thing?” It’s OK and important to say, yes, there are some things about that which are the same. But there are differences too. The differences are:
- It’s legal for me to use alcohol.
- I’m not putting myself or others at risk (i.e., driving drunk).
- You are still learning to make important decisions. Alcohol and drugs make it harder for you to do that (see above).
- Acknowledge your own issues
This may be tough, but teens listen to and respect adults who can admit their own mistakes and inconsistencies. You may decide to confront your own use and make changes in your life. It’s OK for your teen to know that you are addressing your own problems. It’s even OK for your teen to see how tough that can be, especially if they also see you continuing to try.
Remember, teens report that their parents’ rules and expectations are a deterrent to using drugs and alcohol. Talk to your teen!
Teen Boys
More than anything else, boys and girls are individuals. There is no “one size fits all” approach to dealing with teens. We have found, though, that some things seem to work better when we help families communicate with teen boys.
Boys and girls, like adults, have the same five basic feelings: anger, sadness, fear, happiness and embarrassment. What’s different sometimes is how teen boys and girls handle and express these feelings.
Many boys are a little slower to mature emotionally than girls. This doesn’t mean that boys aren’t as sensitive or don’t feel things as deeply as girls. In fact, boys sometimes get overwhelmed more easily by strong feelings. When boys get overwhelmed, they’re more likely to shut down or act like they don’t care than, say, get into a screaming fight with parents.
If a boy is going to let his feelings out, he may express anger. At times it can seem easier or more acceptable to a teen boy to be angry than to admit feeling sad or scared. Adults have to dig a bit to find out what the anger is really about.
We sometimes hear from families that their teen boy “never comes out of his room”, or is so involved outside the house that it’s hard to know what is going on with him. Like girls, when boys become teens their friends and outside interests become incredibly important. It can be frustrating when a teen mentions that he “had a really good talk with Coach” about something, even though it seems he never talks at home any more. It’s important for teens to feel that they aren’t as dependent on parents and family as they used to be. Boys often try to do this by keeping difficult feelings quiet, or sharing with other people.
Here are some tips to help your teen boy open up a little about what’s going on:
Keep it low-key
Many boys are less comfortable with “intense” conversations than girls are. Talking face-to-face can feel too personal or confrontational, and this can make a boy clam up pretty quickly. Try doing an activity together that lets you talk side-by-side (driving, working on something together) so that you aren’t facing each other but can still talk easily.
Do something active
Boys often process thoughts and feelings more easily if they can move while they talk. Some boys who have a hard time concentrating in school find it helps to pace while reading, for example, or squeeze a stress ball during class. In the same way, it can help to give a teen boy something physical to do while talking. Shooting baskets, raking leaves, even doing the dishes together can help words flow.
Keep it short
Boys often don’t have the energy for long, drawn-out emotional scenes. One of the benefits of talking in the car is that, unless you’re on a long car trip, your teen boy knows the conversation won’t last too long. Just knowing this might help him feel comfortable enough to open up.
Pick your battles
Let your teen know that you understand his need for privacy about some things, but that you will keep asking about important stuff. “It’s OK for you not to tell me everything about your friends, but you always have to tell me where you’re going and when you’ll be home”.
Be creative
Sometimes, any conversation can feel uncomfortable and threatening to teens. Leaving notes, writing letters, or even recording messages between you can help open lines of communication. Let your teen know that you think anything he has to share is important. And as always, really listen when your teen does decide to talk.
Don’t give up
Most of all, keep trying! Even if he sometimes acts like he’s allergic to you, your teen desperately wants to know that you are there to listen and help when he needs you.
Remember, teens may not always be ready to talk, but they always need someone who is ready to listen.
Teen Boys
More than anything else, boys and girls are individuals. There is no “one size fits all” approach to dealing with teens. We have found, though, that some things seem to work better when we help families communicate with teen boys.
Boys and girls, like adults, have the same five basic feelings: anger, sadness, fear, happiness and embarrassment. What’s different sometimes is how teen boys and girls handle and express these feelings.
Many boys are a little slower to mature emotionally than girls. This doesn’t mean that boys aren’t as sensitive or don’t feel things as deeply as girls. In fact, boys sometimes get overwhelmed more easily by strong feelings. When boys get overwhelmed, they’re more likely to shut down or act like they don’t care than, say, get into a screaming fight with parents.
If a boy is going to let his feelings out, he may express anger. At times it can seem easier or more acceptable to a teen boy to be angry than to admit feeling sad or scared. Adults have to dig a bit to find out what the anger is really about.
We sometimes hear from families that their teen boy “never comes out of his room”, or is so involved outside the house that it’s hard to know what is going on with him. Like girls, when boys become teens their friends and outside interests become incredibly important. It can be frustrating when a teen mentions that he “had a really good talk with Coach” about something, even though it seems he never talks at home any more. It’s important for teens to feel that they aren’t as dependent on parents and family as they used to be. Boys often try to do this by keeping difficult feelings quiet, or sharing with other people.
Here are some tips to help your teen boy open up a little about what’s going on:
Keep it low-key
Many boys are less comfortable with “intense” conversations than girls are. Talking face-to-face can feel too personal or confrontational, and this can make a boy clam up pretty quickly. Try doing an activity together that lets you talk side-by-side (driving, working on something together) so that you aren’t facing each other but can still talk easily.
Do something active
Boys often process thoughts and feelings more easily if they can move while they talk. Some boys who have a hard time concentrating in school find it helps to pace while reading, for example, or squeeze a stress ball during class. In the same way, it can help to give a teen boy something physical to do while talking. Shooting baskets, raking leaves, even doing the dishes together can help words flow.
Keep it short
Boys often don’t have the energy for long, drawn-out emotional scenes. One of the benefits of talking in the car is that, unless you’re on a long car trip, your teen boy knows the conversation won’t last too long. Just knowing this might help him feel comfortable enough to open up.
Pick your battles
Let your teen know that you understand his need for privacy about some things, but that you will keep asking about important stuff. “It’s OK for you not to tell me everything about your friends, but you always have to tell me where you’re going and when you’ll be home”.
Be creative
Sometimes, any conversation can feel uncomfortable and threatening to teens. Leaving notes, writing letters, or even recording messages between you can help open lines of communication. Let your teen know that you think anything he has to share is important. And as always, really listen when your teen does decide to talk.
Don’t give up
Most of all, keep trying! Even if he sometimes acts like he’s allergic to you, your teen desperately wants to know that you are there to listen and help when he needs you.
Remember, teens may not always be ready to talk, but they always need someone who is ready to listen.
Teen Girls
Going from parenting a child to parenting a teen can be pretty abrupt sometimes. It can seem that overnight, your child has been replaced by a completely different, hard-to-get-along-with person. Everyone is different, and not every girl or boy fits a mold, but there are some things we’ve learned about teens in general and girls in particular:
Girls can get very emotional, very fast
Boys get very emotional too. It’s part of being a teenager. Some of this is because hormones can “raise the volume” on emotional responses; some of it is because the parts of the brain that control executive functioning (cool reasoning, slowing down impulsive responses) are still just developing in teens. Boys tend to bottle those feeling up, or express them physically, or with peers. Many girls are comfortable with sharing feelings in general, and get very expressive during an argument, sometimes in dramatic ways. This can mean yelling, crying and fierce arguing, very quickly turning a discussion into a screaming match.
What is with these reactions?
A couple of things are key to remember. When feelings seem way out of proportion to the problem, your teen may be pushing hard to get the outcome she wants. Or, it could be a situation that seems really important because of where the teen is standing. You know that friends worth having won’t judge your teen on her popularity, for example. She doesn’t really believe that yet, so the issue of having the same curfew as her friends is much more life-or-death to her. Also, your teen may be dealing with the stress of coping in a new, scary world. She may feel safest unloading that frustration in a place that will always like and accept her-home.
Tip: Reflect back the feeling you heard without agreeing or disagreeing with it. “I hear you’re really angry about your curfew, and you’re worried your friends won’t want to hang out with you”. “Yeah, I am”
Anthony Wolf, PhD, who writes about teens and parents, suggests that teen girls sometimes use these emotional scenes to handle their mixed feelings about separating from parents. Teens still want to be taken care of by their parents, just like when they were little. But these feelings are opposite from being independent, so wanting closeness becomes scary and upsetting. The screaming and yelling may be a way for a teen to feel connected, but at the same time convince herself that she’s separate from her parents.
So what can parents do with all this? We have some suggestions:
Reflect neutrally
During a conflict, most of us want to feel that someone is listening to us and trying to understand, even if they don’t agree with us. When your teens’ emotions get too big and overwhelming, hearing a parent “reflect” the feelings back (“You’re really angry”) reassures your teen that you’re still listening and that you’re not judging her feelings or her right to have them. This takes you out of the argument and puts your teen in charge of her own feelings. Don’t worry about sounding dorky; it still helps.
Tip: Be supportive without taking on the problem. “My friends will think I’m a dork, and I’ll never have friends at this stupid school, and it’ll be all your fault!” “I hope you find a way to work it out. I believe in you.”
Don’t take on the blame
Sometimes a teen may try to shift blame on to the parent for setting a limit. Parents should listen to requests to change a rule, and compromise when a teen’s reasons make sense. If you’ve listened and you still feel your limit is reasonable, stick to it. You can do this without taking the blame for all the things your teen is worried will happen.
Get curious
When your teen’s response seems way out-of-proportion to the problem, get curious about what else is going on. With a little encouragement, your teen may be able to tell you what else is bothering her and take the steam out of the argument. Even if she doesn’t tell you, at least she’s heard that you are trying to understand.
Tip: After you reflect the feelings you hear, ask calmly what else might be going on. “I hear you’re angry about curfew, but you also seem stressed out. I wonder if other things are bothering you too.”
Set limits on language, but don’t take it personally
Teens will sometimes stoop to pretty low stuff in an argument, especially when they feel powerless or frustrated. Girls are often good at reading other peoples’ feelings. This quality, which made for a very sweet and thoughtful pre-teen, can make for a teenager who is good at saying just the thing to hurt your feelings.
Tip: Don’t take the bait. When you can be calm, remind your teen that it is not OK to be mean or use foul language. Make sure you follow those rules too.
Afterwards, a parent may feel devastated while their teen thinks, “What’s the big deal? I just got angry”. If your teen starts throwing emotional grenades (“No one can live with you, that’s why Mom left”), you must not react to them. Chances are, your teen doesn’t actually think anything like that, but is feeling out of control or wants to get you to respond. Reacting takes the conversation off track, usually to a worse place. DO NOT get pulled into a discussion about the divorce, or your parenting, etc.
Take a break
When an argument seems like it’s going to get out of control, emotionally or physically, take a break! Leave the room and calm down. If your teen is really hooked into the argument, you may need to get away for a while to stop your teen from following you and continuing to escalate. Leave the house if you have to. Explain that you’ll come back and finish the conversation when you’re both calmer, and then make sure that you do.
Tip: Take a break before an argument gets out of hand. It’s important that everyone stays safe. If your teen threatens to hurt herself or someone else, you or your teen can call Huck House, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, at 294-5553. If an argument turns violent, call 911 or the local police.
Remember, when you show your teen girl that her feelings won’t overwhelm you, you help her practice not letting them overwhelm her, either.
Teen Girls
Going from parenting a child to parenting a teen can be pretty abrupt sometimes. It can seem that overnight, your child has been replaced by a completely different, hard-to-get-along-with person. Everyone is different, and not every girl or boy fits a mold, but there are some things we’ve learned about teens in general and girls in particular:
Girls can get very emotional, very fast
Boys get very emotional too. It’s part of being a teenager. Some of this is because hormones can “raise the volume” on emotional responses; some of it is because the parts of the brain that control executive functioning (cool reasoning, slowing down impulsive responses) are still just developing in teens. Boys tend to bottle those feeling up, or express them physically, or with peers. Many girls are comfortable with sharing feelings in general, and get very expressive during an argument, sometimes in dramatic ways. This can mean yelling, crying and fierce arguing, very quickly turning a discussion into a screaming match.
What is with these reactions?
A couple of things are key to remember. When feelings seem way out of proportion to the problem, your teen may be pushing hard to get the outcome she wants. Or, it could be a situation that seems really important because of where the teen is standing. You know that friends worth having won’t judge your teen on her popularity, for example. She doesn’t really believe that yet, so the issue of having the same curfew as her friends is much more life-or-death to her. Also, your teen may be dealing with the stress of coping in a new, scary world. She may feel safest unloading that frustration in a place that will always like and accept her-home.
Tip: Reflect back the feeling you heard without agreeing or disagreeing with it. “I hear you’re really angry about your curfew, and you’re worried your friends won’t want to hang out with you”. “Yeah, I am”
Anthony Wolf, PhD, who writes about teens and parents, suggests that teen girls sometimes use these emotional scenes to handle their mixed feelings about separating from parents. Teens still want to be taken care of by their parents, just like when they were little. But these feelings are opposite from being independent, so wanting closeness becomes scary and upsetting. The screaming and yelling may be a way for a teen to feel connected, but at the same time convince herself that she’s separate from her parents.
So what can parents do with all this? We have some suggestions:
Reflect neutrally
During a conflict, most of us want to feel that someone is listening to us and trying to understand, even if they don’t agree with us. When your teens’ emotions get too big and overwhelming, hearing a parent “reflect” the feelings back (“You’re really angry”) reassures your teen that you’re still listening and that you’re not judging her feelings or her right to have them. This takes you out of the argument and puts your teen in charge of her own feelings. Don’t worry about sounding dorky; it still helps.
Tip: Be supportive without taking on the problem. “My friends will think I’m a dork, and I’ll never have friends at this stupid school, and it’ll be all your fault!” “I hope you find a way to work it out. I believe in you.”
Don’t take on the blame
Sometimes a teen may try to shift blame on to the parent for setting a limit. Parents should listen to requests to change a rule, and compromise when a teen’s reasons make sense. If you’ve listened and you still feel your limit is reasonable, stick to it. You can do this without taking the blame for all the things your teen is worried will happen.
Get curious
When your teen’s response seems way out-of-proportion to the problem, get curious about what else is going on. With a little encouragement, your teen may be able to tell you what else is bothering her and take the steam out of the argument. Even if she doesn’t tell you, at least she’s heard that you are trying to understand.
Tip: After you reflect the feelings you hear, ask calmly what else might be going on. “I hear you’re angry about curfew, but you also seem stressed out. I wonder if other things are bothering you too.”
Set limits on language, but don’t take it personally
Teens will sometimes stoop to pretty low stuff in an argument, especially when they feel powerless or frustrated. Girls are often good at reading other peoples’ feelings. This quality, which made for a very sweet and thoughtful pre-teen, can make for a teenager who is good at saying just the thing to hurt your feelings.
Tip: Don’t take the bait. When you can be calm, remind your teen that it is not OK to be mean or use foul language. Make sure you follow those rules too.
Afterwards, a parent may feel devastated while their teen thinks, “What’s the big deal? I just got angry”. If your teen starts throwing emotional grenades (“No one can live with you, that’s why Mom left”), you must not react to them. Chances are, your teen doesn’t actually think anything like that, but is feeling out of control or wants to get you to respond. Reacting takes the conversation off track, usually to a worse place. DO NOT get pulled into a discussion about the divorce, or your parenting, etc.
Take a break
When an argument seems like it’s going to get out of control, emotionally or physically, take a break! Leave the room and calm down. If your teen is really hooked into the argument, you may need to get away for a while to stop your teen from following you and continuing to escalate. Leave the house if you have to. Explain that you’ll come back and finish the conversation when you’re both calmer, and then make sure that you do.
Tip: Take a break before an argument gets out of hand. It’s important that everyone stays safe. If your teen threatens to hurt herself or someone else, you or your teen can call Huck House, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, at 294-5553. If an argument turns violent, call 911 or the local police.
Remember, when you show your teen girl that her feelings won’t overwhelm you, you help her practice not letting them overwhelm her, either.
Teens and Grieving
Teens and Grieving
Like all of us, teens sometimes experience the deaths of loved ones. Sadly, suicide, risky behaviors and teen violence leave adolescents especially vulnerable to losing friends and acquaintances to death. Parents and caregivers often wonder how to help teens grieve and heal from this kind of loss.
Thinking About and Understanding Death
Unlike younger children, teens usually grasp the finality of death. Adolescence is a time when teens are figuring out what they think about life, spirituality, and their purpose in the world. Thinking about death, sometimes to the point of “dwelling” on it, is a common way that teens work out their views about these big questions. Themes of death in music, artwork, poetry, books, and clothes may be a sign that your teen is wrestling with these issues or is trying to fit into a social group. However, exaggerated interest in death can also be an indication of depression. Talk with your teen if he or she seems overly drawn to these things, but find out more before you react.
Grieving
Grief is a natural process that happens on its own timeline. People who are grieving often experience shock or numbness, intense sadness, anger and/or fatigue. These feelings can happen at different times for different people, and not everyone experiences all of them. Above all, grief is a highly personal reaction to a universal experience. People in the most intense stages of grieving after a death need love, patience and support. They also need permission to feel whatever they feel. Teens should be encouraged, but not pushed, to participate in all the adult rituals surrounding a death, including attending viewings and visiting hours, funerals or memorials, sitting Shivah or other religious or family traditions. The first days and weeks after a death can be exhausting for everyone involved, so teens and caregivers should be particularly careful to allow for time to stop and rest. Caregivers may need a break from the job of caring for their teen! It’s OK to ask for help and extra support.
When someone dies, a teen may react in lots of different ways. Like other life events, death may provoke very strong feeling in teens: confusion, anger or intense sadness. These feelings can swing very quickly and leave teens and adults feeling tired and confused. Teens who do not want to display their feelings may choose to isolate themselves from adults, finding comfort from peers. Other teens may become clinging and more childlike for a while. Some teens try to just keep everything “normal” and go about their lives as if nothing has happened. Any of these response are understandable and OK.
Teens also wrestle with the question “Who am I?” after someone has died. Figuring out his or her role in a family, with friends, and in the world is always a big part of adolescence. A teen’s identity, especially in relation to the person who has died, gets called into question after a death. “Am I still my Dad’s daughter if he’s not around anymore?” “Will I be disloyal to my dead friend if I make new friends?” are the kind of things teens work to understand about their changed world after a death.
Behaviors and Signs of Grief
Grieving teens may not talk about their feelings, but they might do lots of crying, withdraw, or throw themselves into lots of activity. Teens may act out with defiance, irritability, poor grades or fights, risk-taking or experimentation with drugs and alcohol.
It’s important to talk about these behaviors, and remind your teen that, while he or she always has your love and support, the same rules about negative behavior still apply. You can be understanding and still set appropriate limits. Teens may complain, but they often secretly crave the reassurance that some things haven’t changed and someone (you) is still in charge. As we mentioned above, if troubling feelings or behavior persist a long time or seem to take over your teen’s life, talk it over and consider checking in with a professional.
Re-Grieving
When someone a child loves dies, that child copes with the event in age-specific ways. He or she may have a very limited understanding of what has happened. As the child matures, that event will be re-processed with new, more mature understanding. That’s why a teen will sometimes re-grieve a loss that happened much earlier. If a teen becomes sad or angry about a death that occurred years ago, he or she needs the same love and support that they might need for a death that occurred yesterday.
Grief and Trauma
Sometimes a loss can be made more complicated, if the teen has also experienced trauma related to the death. Seeing someone die unexpectedly, losing someone to violence or suicide, or feeling somehow responsible for the death can lead to post-trauma stress reactions. These reactions can cause a lot of distress for your teen, and slow the grieving and healing process. Some symptoms of traumatic stress include nightmares, flashbacks, irritability and severe mood swings, long periods of feeling “numbed out” or detached from reality, intense feelings of guilt, fear or anxiety. If you feel you teen may be dealing with the aftereffects of trauma, contact a mental health professional right away for an assessment and treatment.
Ways to Support Your Grieving Teen
Like adults, teens need to be reassured that there is no “right” way to grieve and that any feelings are OK, including feeling angry at the person who died, or not always feeling sad. Adults need to share the fact that they, too, are working hard to figure out how to deal with the death and sometimes feel overwhelmed or confused. Teens should not be pressured to talk, but should be reminded that they can talk whenever they need to. Above all, they need to be reassured that they are loved, and that someone will always be there to support and help care for them.
Grief can make people feel very alone. Make sure your teen knows that love and support is available.
Teens and Grieving
Teens and Grieving
Like all of us, teens sometimes experience the deaths of loved ones. Sadly, suicide, risky behaviors and teen violence leave adolescents especially vulnerable to losing friends and acquaintances to death. Parents and caregivers often wonder how to help teens grieve and heal from this kind of loss.
Thinking About and Understanding Death
Unlike younger children, teens usually grasp the finality of death. Adolescence is a time when teens are figuring out what they think about life, spirituality, and their purpose in the world. Thinking about death, sometimes to the point of “dwelling” on it, is a common way that teens work out their views about these big questions. Themes of death in music, artwork, poetry, books, and clothes may be a sign that your teen is wrestling with these issues or is trying to fit into a social group. However, exaggerated interest in death can also be an indication of depression. Talk with your teen if he or she seems overly drawn to these things, but find out more before you react.
Grieving
Grief is a natural process that happens on its own timeline. People who are grieving often experience shock or numbness, intense sadness, anger and/or fatigue. These feelings can happen at different times for different people, and not everyone experiences all of them. Above all, grief is a highly personal reaction to a universal experience. People in the most intense stages of grieving after a death need love, patience and support. They also need permission to feel whatever they feel. Teens should be encouraged, but not pushed, to participate in all the adult rituals surrounding a death, including attending viewings and visiting hours, funerals or memorials, sitting Shivah or other religious or family traditions. The first days and weeks after a death can be exhausting for everyone involved, so teens and caregivers should be particularly careful to allow for time to stop and rest. Caregivers may need a break from the job of caring for their teen! It’s OK to ask for help and extra support.
When someone dies, a teen may react in lots of different ways. Like other life events, death may provoke very strong feeling in teens: confusion, anger or intense sadness. These feelings can swing very quickly and leave teens and adults feeling tired and confused. Teens who do not want to display their feelings may choose to isolate themselves from adults, finding comfort from peers. Other teens may become clinging and more childlike for a while. Some teens try to just keep everything “normal” and go about their lives as if nothing has happened. Any of these response are understandable and OK.
Teens also wrestle with the question “Who am I?” after someone has died. Figuring out his or her role in a family, with friends, and in the world is always a big part of adolescence. A teen’s identity, especially in relation to the person who has died, gets called into question after a death. “Am I still my Dad’s daughter if he’s not around anymore?” “Will I be disloyal to my dead friend if I make new friends?” are the kind of things teens work to understand about their changed world after a death.
Behaviors and Signs of Grief
Grieving teens may not talk about their feelings, but they might do lots of crying, withdraw, or throw themselves into lots of activity. Teens may act out with defiance, irritability, poor grades or fights, risk-taking or experimentation with drugs and alcohol.
It’s important to talk about these behaviors, and remind your teen that, while he or she always has your love and support, the same rules about negative behavior still apply. You can be understanding and still set appropriate limits. Teens may complain, but they often secretly crave the reassurance that some things haven’t changed and someone (you) is still in charge. As we mentioned above, if troubling feelings or behavior persist a long time or seem to take over your teen’s life, talk it over and consider checking in with a professional.
Re-Grieving
When someone a child loves dies, that child copes with the event in age-specific ways. He or she may have a very limited understanding of what has happened. As the child matures, that event will be re-processed with new, more mature understanding. That’s why a teen will sometimes re-grieve a loss that happened much earlier. If a teen becomes sad or angry about a death that occurred years ago, he or she needs the same love and support that they might need for a death that occurred yesterday.
Grief and Trauma
Sometimes a loss can be made more complicated, if the teen has also experienced trauma related to the death. Seeing someone die unexpectedly, losing someone to violence or suicide, or feeling somehow responsible for the death can lead to post-trauma stress reactions. These reactions can cause a lot of distress for your teen, and slow the grieving and healing process. Some symptoms of traumatic stress include nightmares, flashbacks, irritability and severe mood swings, long periods of feeling “numbed out” or detached from reality, intense feelings of guilt, fear or anxiety. If you feel you teen may be dealing with the aftereffects of trauma, contact a mental health professional right away for an assessment and treatment.
Ways to Support Your Grieving Teen
Like adults, teens need to be reassured that there is no “right” way to grieve and that any feelings are OK, including feeling angry at the person who died, or not always feeling sad. Adults need to share the fact that they, too, are working hard to figure out how to deal with the death and sometimes feel overwhelmed or confused. Teens should not be pressured to talk, but should be reminded that they can talk whenever they need to. Above all, they need to be reassured that they are loved, and that someone will always be there to support and help care for them.
Grief can make people feel very alone. Make sure your teen knows that love and support is available.
Why Kids Run
Why Kids Run
Why do some young people run away? Many teens have probably thought at some moment or another about running, but only a statistical few actually do. What makes the difference, and what would cause a teen leave the relative safety of home to go out into the unknown?
We have talked with teens and their parents about this issue since 1970, and over the years we have heard many different responses to these questions. Some teens run to avoid a consequence, or to engage in forbidden behavior away from the strictures of home. Some leave to escape a stressful situation or to bring attention to a family problem that has gone unaddressed. Sometimes teens run simply because they don’t know what else to do. In this article we explore some of the factors in teens running away, as well as some insight from teens themselves in our shelter.
Teen Brains
Running away from home is a youthful behavior. One reason is that teens think and act differently than adults. The teenager’s brain has not stopped growing and changing. The part of the brain that makes decisions, thinks about the future and understands consequences hasn’t fully developed yet. That’s why teens see only the short-term future. They do not have many tools to deal with problems, and they have trouble applying what they have been told, or the experiences of their friends, to their own situation. When their tools run out, some teens act impulsively. That can lead to running.
Teen Emotions
Teens’ emotions are intense. In times of crisis, teens can be easily overwhelmed because they have not lived through enough situations to know their feelings will pass. They think their problems will last forever, partly because they don’t yet know that everything changes sooner or later. Some teens also have a hard time separating their feelings from reality. They think, “If I feel it, it must be true” and then act on those emotions.
Teen Lives
Teens face pretty scary situations. Some of these include pressure to have sex, to use alcohol or drugs, and a strong need to meet the expectations of their friends. Every generation has had to deal with these things, but teens today face these problems earlier than their parents did. For some teens, the threats of gangs or crime where they live is very real. Even life at home can be scary. If a teen’s home is violent, unpredictable, chaotic or filled with sexual or physical threats, the best choice might seem to be to get out first and think things through later.
Teen Silence
It can be so very hard for some teens to explain what is going on with them. Sometimes, it is hard for parents to hear their teen in the middle of busy lives, or in the struggle to manage their own situations. Teens may feel that what they have to say is too upsetting, too scary for parents to hear. Sometimes families have become so used to yelling and constant conflict that it is hard to hear anything else. At these times, the action of running away may speak louder than any words that teen could find. Running might also be a way to alert teachers, school staff or other adults outside the home that there is a family problem.
What Teens Have To Say
We talked with some of the young people staying in the crisis program and asked them why teens run from home. One young man, who is seventeen but looks older, shared some of his story, and what he thinks other teens feel.
“It’s too much [being at home], you don’t know what you’re going to do, you can’t trust nobody. You know why you’re leaving, but when you get out then you don’t know what to do. It feels good at first, you have plans who you’re going to stay with, then you get out and it starts to not work out and you end up just…out there.”
A thin young woman braided her hair and listened to the conversation. She agreed that running can seem like a good idea at first.
“You finally get to control something in your life,” she said.
The young man continued. “When I was downtown, I didn’t know where I was and I almost got put in a car.” The other youths listened to this but did not react much. The idea of being “put in a car” while on the run did not seem to surprise them.
“Do teens know the downside of running, what can happen to them?” we asked.
“Teens ‘get it’, the danger, but maybe they don’t get the full gist of it from the people they talk to, or they don’t think anything bad will happen to them,” said the girl. “One girl [I know] lied to her mom [about her plans] and got into an escort service.”
“It [running] can seem like a good idea, but sometimes it really isn’t”, she concluded.
Why Kids Run
Why Kids Run
Why do some young people run away? Many teens have probably thought at some moment or another about running, but only a statistical few actually do. What makes the difference, and what would cause a teen leave the relative safety of home to go out into the unknown?
We have talked with teens and their parents about this issue since 1970, and over the years we have heard many different responses to these questions. Some teens run to avoid a consequence, or to engage in forbidden behavior away from the strictures of home. Some leave to escape a stressful situation or to bring attention to a family problem that has gone unaddressed. Sometimes teens run simply because they don’t know what else to do. In this article we explore some of the factors in teens running away, as well as some insight from teens themselves in our shelter.
Teen Brains
Running away from home is a youthful behavior. One reason is that teens think and act differently than adults. The teenager’s brain has not stopped growing and changing. The part of the brain that makes decisions, thinks about the future and understands consequences hasn’t fully developed yet. That’s why teens see only the short-term future. They do not have many tools to deal with problems, and they have trouble applying what they have been told, or the experiences of their friends, to their own situation. When their tools run out, some teens act impulsively. That can lead to running.
Teen Emotions
Teens’ emotions are intense. In times of crisis, teens can be easily overwhelmed because they have not lived through enough situations to know their feelings will pass. They think their problems will last forever, partly because they don’t yet know that everything changes sooner or later. Some teens also have a hard time separating their feelings from reality. They think, “If I feel it, it must be true” and then act on those emotions.
Teen Lives
Teens face pretty scary situations. Some of these include pressure to have sex, to use alcohol or drugs, and a strong need to meet the expectations of their friends. Every generation has had to deal with these things, but teens today face these problems earlier than their parents did. For some teens, the threats of gangs or crime where they live is very real. Even life at home can be scary. If a teen’s home is violent, unpredictable, chaotic or filled with sexual or physical threats, the best choice might seem to be to get out first and think things through later.
Teen Silence
It can be so very hard for some teens to explain what is going on with them. Sometimes, it is hard for parents to hear their teen in the middle of busy lives, or in the struggle to manage their own situations. Teens may feel that what they have to say is too upsetting, too scary for parents to hear. Sometimes families have become so used to yelling and constant conflict that it is hard to hear anything else. At these times, the action of running away may speak louder than any words that teen could find. Running might also be a way to alert teachers, school staff or other adults outside the home that there is a family problem.
What Teens Have To Say
We talked with some of the young people staying in the crisis program and asked them why teens run from home. One young man, who is seventeen but looks older, shared some of his story, and what he thinks other teens feel.
“It’s too much [being at home], you don’t know what you’re going to do, you can’t trust nobody. You know why you’re leaving, but when you get out then you don’t know what to do. It feels good at first, you have plans who you’re going to stay with, then you get out and it starts to not work out and you end up just…out there.”
A thin young woman braided her hair and listened to the conversation. She agreed that running can seem like a good idea at first.
“You finally get to control something in your life,” she said.
The young man continued. “When I was downtown, I didn’t know where I was and I almost got put in a car.” The other youths listened to this but did not react much. The idea of being “put in a car” while on the run did not seem to surprise them.
“Do teens know the downside of running, what can happen to them?” we asked.
“Teens ‘get it’, the danger, but maybe they don’t get the full gist of it from the people they talk to, or they don’t think anything bad will happen to them,” said the girl. “One girl [I know] lied to her mom [about her plans] and got into an escort service.”
“It [running] can seem like a good idea, but sometimes it really isn’t”, she concluded.
Discipline
Teenagers and Discipline Part 1: Setting Limits
Over the years we’ve found that parents and teens clash about rules and discipline more than any other issue. To get a handle on this, we think it’s helpful to look at how teens develop. Some people have compared teenagers to toddlers. Toddlers are finding out the limits of their space and their power. They’re getting ready to become children instead of babies, with bodies they now have much more control over than before. A teenager is in a similar position, going from being a child to an adult. Their bodies are much bigger and stronger than before. They’re more mentally and emotionally mature, so they can handle more complicated situations than they could before. If they can drive or take public transportation, they are now much more in charge of where they are, just like a toddler learning to walk.
Some of the questions teens need to figure out are basically the same issues of independence and control-it’s just that the stakes are a lot higher. If I can go to a supervised party, can I go to an unsupervised one? Can my parents still make me do stuff if I’m bigger than they are?
Rules should allow teens to try out their new skills but keep them safe
The rules for a teenager need to let them explore, without giving them more room than they can handle, just like a toddler crawling up the stairs. Parents need to say that some stairs are safe to explore on your own, but some are not.
Teens, even though they would usually pick death by torture rather than admit this, often feel really unsure about what they’re ready to handle. Teens still look at their parents or the caring adults around them to see if they can, in fact, handle things; if they should be worried or not. Teens also need to feel that someone is watching and paying attention, ready to say “Hey! Not those stairs, not yet.” Sometimes teens will behave badly, taking more and more risks, to try to get some adult to do just that.
New freedoms should mean new responsibility
Teens need to know that doing more things with friends means letting adults know where you are. Getting to put up your own things in your room means keeping it reasonably clean (no health inspectors!). Getting a job means taking responsibility for getting yourself there and back, or letting adults know in advance what transportation help is needed. As teens get older, they usually get better at putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. They should be able to understand, for example, that someone will worry if they are not home on time. They’ll probably still need reminders, though!
New responsibilities should mean new freedom
When teens show parents that they can handle a new level of responsibility, more freedom should follow. “Since you called me every day this month when you got home from school, I feel better about letting you go to a friend’s house instead of coming straight home.” When anyone learns a new skill, there are slip-ups at first. Parents should talk with their teen about expecting mistakes. “If you forget to call me, I will worry. I will call all your friends to figure out where you are. Then we’ll need to talk about helping you remember better.” Talking about this ahead of time will cut down on the teen feeling she failed, or the parent feeling she made a mistake in giving the teen a new privilege.
However, lots of mistakes may mean the teen isn’t really ready for the new freedom.
Teens need to understand that if they consistently stop showing this new level of responsibility, the new freedom will be taken back until they are ready to try again.
Out and About
Until teens are ready for adult independence, parents or guardians need to know where teens are, what they’re doing, with whom, how to reach them, and when to expect them back. If they can’t give this basic information, they shouldn’t be allowed to go. Asking these questions, meeting friends, friends’ parents and checking up means more work for the parent in the short-term, but a more responsible-and safer-teen in the long run.
Rules At Home
Being an adolescent often means feeling two ways about growing up. Teens love to remind adults that they are not babies anymore-until it comes to household responsibilities! Then many teens wish (who wouldn’t?) that the grown-ups around them will keep on doing all or most of the cooking, cleaning, pet care, etc. like when the teen was little. This does not mean they’re lazy, just that they’re human. It’s OK for parents to allow a little babying after a particularly rough time, but not to routinely give into it. Teens need to get the message that they are expected to contribute and help out at home. Parents need to remind teens that freedom and responsibility go together.
Rules Should be Consistent
Teens need to know what you expect of them, and it helps if they don’t have to guess. No one is totally consistent all the time, but teens should have a basic, day-to-day understanding of what you want them to do and not to do. Discussing rules, leaving notes around the house or a message on a cell phone can remind your teen of what you expect without feeling quite so much like nagging. You might have to do some nagging too! Remember to talk about family rules. Listening and sometimes compromising about a rule can make a big difference in how your teen feels about following it.
Teens really need to know that you appreciate their efforts. Let them know when they’ve made a good decision, won your trust or done something right. It matters!
Teenagers and Discipline Part 1: Setting Limits
Over the years we’ve found that parents and teens clash about rules and discipline more than any other issue. To get a handle on this, we think it’s helpful to look at how teens develop. Some people have compared teenagers to toddlers. Toddlers are finding out the limits of their space and their power. They’re getting ready to become children instead of babies, with bodies they now have much more control over than before. A teenager is in a similar position, going from being a child to an adult. Their bodies are much bigger and stronger than before. They’re more mentally and emotionally mature, so they can handle more complicated situations than they could before. If they can drive or take public transportation, they are now much more in charge of where they are, just like a toddler learning to walk.
Some of the questions teens need to figure out are basically the same issues of independence and control-it’s just that the stakes are a lot higher. If I can go to a supervised party, can I go to an unsupervised one? Can my parents still make me do stuff if I’m bigger than they are?
Rules should allow teens to try out their new skills but keep them safe
The rules for a teenager need to let them explore, without giving them more room than they can handle, just like a toddler crawling up the stairs. Parents need to say that some stairs are safe to explore on your own, but some are not.
Teens, even though they would usually pick death by torture rather than admit this, often feel really unsure about what they’re ready to handle. Teens still look at their parents or the caring adults around them to see if they can, in fact, handle things; if they should be worried or not. Teens also need to feel that someone is watching and paying attention, ready to say “Hey! Not those stairs, not yet.” Sometimes teens will behave badly, taking more and more risks, to try to get some adult to do just that.
New freedoms should mean new responsibility
Teens need to know that doing more things with friends means letting adults know where you are. Getting to put up your own things in your room means keeping it reasonably clean (no health inspectors!). Getting a job means taking responsibility for getting yourself there and back, or letting adults know in advance what transportation help is needed. As teens get older, they usually get better at putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. They should be able to understand, for example, that someone will worry if they are not home on time. They’ll probably still need reminders, though!
New responsibilities should mean new freedom
When teens show parents that they can handle a new level of responsibility, more freedom should follow. “Since you called me every day this month when you got home from school, I feel better about letting you go to a friend’s house instead of coming straight home.” When anyone learns a new skill, there are slip-ups at first. Parents should talk with their teen about expecting mistakes. “If you forget to call me, I will worry. I will call all your friends to figure out where you are. Then we’ll need to talk about helping you remember better.” Talking about this ahead of time will cut down on the teen feeling she failed, or the parent feeling she made a mistake in giving the teen a new privilege.
However, lots of mistakes may mean the teen isn’t really ready for the new freedom.
Teens need to understand that if they consistently stop showing this new level of responsibility, the new freedom will be taken back until they are ready to try again.
Out and About
Until teens are ready for adult independence, parents or guardians need to know where teens are, what they’re doing, with whom, how to reach them, and when to expect them back. If they can’t give this basic information, they shouldn’t be allowed to go. Asking these questions, meeting friends, friends’ parents and checking up means more work for the parent in the short-term, but a more responsible-and safer-teen in the long run.
Rules At Home
Being an adolescent often means feeling two ways about growing up. Teens love to remind adults that they are not babies anymore-until it comes to household responsibilities! Then many teens wish (who wouldn’t?) that the grown-ups around them will keep on doing all or most of the cooking, cleaning, pet care, etc. like when the teen was little. This does not mean they’re lazy, just that they’re human. It’s OK for parents to allow a little babying after a particularly rough time, but not to routinely give into it. Teens need to get the message that they are expected to contribute and help out at home. Parents need to remind teens that freedom and responsibility go together.
Rules Should be Consistent
Teens need to know what you expect of them, and it helps if they don’t have to guess. No one is totally consistent all the time, but teens should have a basic, day-to-day understanding of what you want them to do and not to do. Discussing rules, leaving notes around the house or a message on a cell phone can remind your teen of what you expect without feeling quite so much like nagging. You might have to do some nagging too! Remember to talk about family rules. Listening and sometimes compromising about a rule can make a big difference in how your teen feels about following it.
Teens really need to know that you appreciate their efforts. Let them know when they’ve made a good decision, won your trust or done something right. It matters!
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Limits
Explain the limits and rules in your home ahead of time. Limits should be fair and consistent, and as much as possible have natural consequences. Natural consequences are the ones that happen with little or no involvement from you. If your teen needs to keep up her grades to stay on a sports team, for example, then bad grades will naturally end up in a consequence-getting cut from the team. You don’t have to say a word. This experience teaches your teen a powerful lesson. It also tells her that you trust her ability to learn it without a lecture from you.
Your child should know the rules for everyday behavior and expectations, and these rules should mostly stay the same from day to day. “I expect you to do your homework after school before you get on the computer” is a lot clearer than “Be responsible”. If you act like you don’t care about their homework on one day and then yell about it the next, your child will feel confused, anxious and angry. Plus, you’re not likely to get the result you want.
It’s important to have realistic expectations of teens. Predicting the consequences of their actions, allowing enough time to get everything done, putting chores before play and ignoring the temptations of their peers are all things that teens find very hard to do. New research shows that teens’ brains are actually different from adult brains. The parts of the brain that let adults make thoughtful decisions, or put work before excitement, haven’t fully grown yet in teens. Structure, frequent reminders and help making decisions are realistic ways to look at teaching your teen to make responsible decisions.
Lying
Lying is often a huge source of conflict with parents and teens. Many teens lie to avoid work (“Sure I did my chores!”), avoid punishment (“The report cards haven’t come out yet, I guess”) and gain pleasure (“No, there won’t be boys or alcohol at the party”). This behavior is common, and that means that parents shouldn’t get too angry or worry that their teen will grow up to be a bad person because of occasional lying. However, this doesn’t mean that parents should put up with it, either! Let your teen know that you expect him or her to tell you the truth, and if caught in a lie they will be punished for the lie as much as the act itself. If you do catch a lie, make it clear that this is unacceptable. But remember that even with these consequences, your teen may still try to lie at times. Constant lying, to the point that you don’t feel you can trust that your teen is safe, is a problem that you should get counseling to help.
Anthony Wolf, a psychologist who writes frequently for the parents of teens, suggests that parents talk with their teen about punishment-free situations. For example, parents may want to ask teens to call home if they have been drinking and need a ride home. The parent agrees to pick up the teen, anytime, with no questions asked and no lectures. These “bargains” should be made for situations in which the possibility of harm (i.e., drunk driving) is too great to risk the teen lying to avoid punishment.
Dr. Wolf points out that parents often assume their rules aren’t effective if the teen doesn’t follow them completely; for example, when a teen come in at 12:00 instead of 11:00. Dr. Wolf argues that the rule actually is working; otherwise, the teen would come in any time! Something is reminding that teen to return, but the need for independence, and not wanting to put responsibility before fun, are keeping him or her from following the rule completely. This is frustrating, but parenting teens is all about staying patient with small issues while working toward the big goal-a safe, independent young adult. Like lying, parents need to remind teens that being late is unacceptable, and give a consequence. Most teens, even though they might say the consequence doesn’t matter, dislike displeasing parents and will feel the “pull” of the rule. Sometimes it takes a lot of confrontation and consequences to make it worth it to the teen to remember to come home, but parents should also be willing to settle for some compromises when a teen is making a genuine effort to improve.
Confrontation
This should happen as soon after the event as possible. Remember, teens don’t always do a great job of linking their behavior (I was late) to an effect (Mom is mad and I’ve lost a privilege), so if you wait too long to address the problem, your teen might be genuinely confused or upset at your behavior coming “out of nowhere”. On the other hand, don’t confront your teen if you are too angry to be responsible for your words or actions. As the adult, you are responsible for keeping a confrontation within the bounds of respect and safety. If you are so angry that insults, swearing or violence might occur, you need to either stop the conversation or postpone the confrontation until later.
When you are calm, explain the rule and how your teen broke it. Listen to any valid explanations, but do not get caught up in excuses or arguments with your child. Teens have lots more energy than adults! Often, teens think that if they can just argue long enough, the parent will back down out of exhaustion. Don’t let this happen. A good rule of thumb is, never explain yourself more than twice. After that, you can safely assume that your child is no longer trying to understand you or to make a new point, but trying to wear you down.
Don’t get caught in the trap: “You can’t prove it!” With reasonable evidence, it’s OK to trust your judgment about what your teen has been doing. “You’re right, I can’t prove that you have been smoking pot. But your appearance, behavior and the situation all make me believe that you have, and without evidence against it, I am going to act as though I am right. If I am wrong, sorry. You are not allowed to smoke pot and, as a result, you are grounded for a month [or whatever].”
Trust your instincts as a parent. Remember, no one knows your teen better than you do!
Sources
Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager Anthony Wolf, PhD. Farrer, Straus, Giroux 1991
“What Makes Teens Tick?” Time Magazine, May 10, 2004 pp. 56-65
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Limits
Explain the limits and rules in your home ahead of time. Limits should be fair and consistent, and as much as possible have natural consequences. Natural consequences are the ones that happen with little or no involvement from you. If your teen needs to keep up her grades to stay on a sports team, for example, then bad grades will naturally end up in a consequence-getting cut from the team. You don’t have to say a word. This experience teaches your teen a powerful lesson. It also tells her that you trust her ability to learn it without a lecture from you.
Your child should know the rules for everyday behavior and expectations, and these rules should mostly stay the same from day to day. “I expect you to do your homework after school before you get on the computer” is a lot clearer than “Be responsible”. If you act like you don’t care about their homework on one day and then yell about it the next, your child will feel confused, anxious and angry. Plus, you’re not likely to get the result you want.
It’s important to have realistic expectations of teens. Predicting the consequences of their actions, allowing enough time to get everything done, putting chores before play and ignoring the temptations of their peers are all things that teens find very hard to do. New research shows that teens’ brains are actually different from adult brains. The parts of the brain that let adults make thoughtful decisions, or put work before excitement, haven’t fully grown yet in teens. Structure, frequent reminders and help making decisions are realistic ways to look at teaching your teen to make responsible decisions.
Lying
Lying is often a huge source of conflict with parents and teens. Many teens lie to avoid work (“Sure I did my chores!”), avoid punishment (“The report cards haven’t come out yet, I guess”) and gain pleasure (“No, there won’t be boys or alcohol at the party”). This behavior is common, and that means that parents shouldn’t get too angry or worry that their teen will grow up to be a bad person because of occasional lying. However, this doesn’t mean that parents should put up with it, either! Let your teen know that you expect him or her to tell you the truth, and if caught in a lie they will be punished for the lie as much as the act itself. If you do catch a lie, make it clear that this is unacceptable. But remember that even with these consequences, your teen may still try to lie at times. Constant lying, to the point that you don’t feel you can trust that your teen is safe, is a problem that you should get counseling to help.
Anthony Wolf, a psychologist who writes frequently for the parents of teens, suggests that parents talk with their teen about punishment-free situations. For example, parents may want to ask teens to call home if they have been drinking and need a ride home. The parent agrees to pick up the teen, anytime, with no questions asked and no lectures. These “bargains” should be made for situations in which the possibility of harm (i.e., drunk driving) is too great to risk the teen lying to avoid punishment.
Dr. Wolf points out that parents often assume their rules aren’t effective if the teen doesn’t follow them completely; for example, when a teen come in at 12:00 instead of 11:00. Dr. Wolf argues that the rule actually is working; otherwise, the teen would come in any time! Something is reminding that teen to return, but the need for independence, and not wanting to put responsibility before fun, are keeping him or her from following the rule completely. This is frustrating, but parenting teens is all about staying patient with small issues while working toward the big goal-a safe, independent young adult. Like lying, parents need to remind teens that being late is unacceptable, and give a consequence. Most teens, even though they might say the consequence doesn’t matter, dislike displeasing parents and will feel the “pull” of the rule. Sometimes it takes a lot of confrontation and consequences to make it worth it to the teen to remember to come home, but parents should also be willing to settle for some compromises when a teen is making a genuine effort to improve.
Confrontation
This should happen as soon after the event as possible. Remember, teens don’t always do a great job of linking their behavior (I was late) to an effect (Mom is mad and I’ve lost a privilege), so if you wait too long to address the problem, your teen might be genuinely confused or upset at your behavior coming “out of nowhere”. On the other hand, don’t confront your teen if you are too angry to be responsible for your words or actions. As the adult, you are responsible for keeping a confrontation within the bounds of respect and safety. If you are so angry that insults, swearing or violence might occur, you need to either stop the conversation or postpone the confrontation until later.
When you are calm, explain the rule and how your teen broke it. Listen to any valid explanations, but do not get caught up in excuses or arguments with your child. Teens have lots more energy than adults! Often, teens think that if they can just argue long enough, the parent will back down out of exhaustion. Don’t let this happen. A good rule of thumb is, never explain yourself more than twice. After that, you can safely assume that your child is no longer trying to understand you or to make a new point, but trying to wear you down.
Don’t get caught in the trap: “You can’t prove it!” With reasonable evidence, it’s OK to trust your judgment about what your teen has been doing. “You’re right, I can’t prove that you have been smoking pot. But your appearance, behavior and the situation all make me believe that you have, and without evidence against it, I am going to act as though I am right. If I am wrong, sorry. You are not allowed to smoke pot and, as a result, you are grounded for a month [or whatever].”
Trust your instincts as a parent. Remember, no one knows your teen better than you do!
Sources
Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager Anthony Wolf, PhD. Farrer, Straus, Giroux 1991
“What Makes Teens Tick?” Time Magazine, May 10, 2004 pp. 56-65
Teenagers and Discipline Part 3: Consequences and When to Get Help
Teenagers and Discipline Part 3: Consequences and When to Get Help
Consequences should fit you and your child. It’s true that some consequences just aren’t options anymore when your child becomes a teenager. Still, it’s important that teens know that you care enough to set limits and, on occasion, give consequences for bad behavior.
You still have a lot of control over your child’s environment, so use that. Loss of a TV, music, video game system or special outfits are usually do-able consequences for parents.
If your child is social and always on the go, grounding might be an effective consequence. However, make sure you can follow through on this one. Having a complaining teen stuck at home can become more of a punishment for the parent! Extra chores, written apologies, even fines are penalties you can impose. Try as much as possible to “make the punishment fit the crime”. If the rule that was broken was being out too late with friends, a logical consequence is losing time with friends for a while; scrubbing the garage is not.
Remember that natural consequences, like getting cut from a sports team for bad grades, are really powerful tools. Some natural consequences are too high a price to pay, like getting HIV from unprotected sex. Parents need to step in as much as possible to protect their teen from that kind of consequence. Many natural consequences in a teens life, though, are not as drastic and are good chances for your teen to learn about their behavior on their own.
Make sure you stick to a consequence even if your teen complains. In fact, this reaction tells you that you picked something meaningful! If you see your teen make an effort to take responsibility, make a situation right or change her attitude, it’s OK to compromise or to end a consequence early. Whining, sulking or excessive arguing should never make you change the decision you’ve made.
Anthony Wolf, PhD, points out that the most effective tool parents have is their approval. Let your child know his behavior isn’t up to your expectations. Even though this may seem weak, remember that, for most of us, wanting to please our parents is strong and goes all the way back to babyhood. You are a very important person in your teen’s life, and your approval is important to him, even though he may never admit it. Your teen may complain, ignore you or mutter under his breath, but your disapproval will register and eventually cause so much annoyance (discomfort, guilt) that the behavior will change.
Some problems go beyond a parent’s ability to handle. Look for patterns of behavior in your teen, not just one bad decision. If your teen completely ignores all rules, regularly skips school, is physically intimidating or violent with you, seems sad or depressed for more than a few weeks, talks about suicide, diets excessively, uses drugs or alcohol or gets involved with crime, get help right away. We’ve included some local numbers where you can find help quickly.
Focus on the behavior, not on your teen. Remember, teens need to know their parents will always love them, even if they don’t always love their behavior!
Places to Get Help
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Nationwide Children’s Hospital
700 Children’s Drive
Columbus Ohio
(614) 722-2000
Teenagers and Discipline Part 3: Consequences and When to Get Help
Teenagers and Discipline Part 3: Consequences and When to Get Help
Consequences should fit you and your child. It’s true that some consequences just aren’t options anymore when your child becomes a teenager. Still, it’s important that teens know that you care enough to set limits and, on occasion, give consequences for bad behavior.
You still have a lot of control over your child’s environment, so use that. Loss of a TV, music, video game system or special outfits are usually do-able consequences for parents.
If your child is social and always on the go, grounding might be an effective consequence. However, make sure you can follow through on this one. Having a complaining teen stuck at home can become more of a punishment for the parent! Extra chores, written apologies, even fines are penalties you can impose. Try as much as possible to “make the punishment fit the crime”. If the rule that was broken was being out too late with friends, a logical consequence is losing time with friends for a while; scrubbing the garage is not.
Remember that natural consequences, like getting cut from a sports team for bad grades, are really powerful tools. Some natural consequences are too high a price to pay, like getting HIV from unprotected sex. Parents need to step in as much as possible to protect their teen from that kind of consequence. Many natural consequences in a teens life, though, are not as drastic and are good chances for your teen to learn about their behavior on their own.
Make sure you stick to a consequence even if your teen complains. In fact, this reaction tells you that you picked something meaningful! If you see your teen make an effort to take responsibility, make a situation right or change her attitude, it’s OK to compromise or to end a consequence early. Whining, sulking or excessive arguing should never make you change the decision you’ve made.
Anthony Wolf, PhD, points out that the most effective tool parents have is their approval. Let your child know his behavior isn’t up to your expectations. Even though this may seem weak, remember that, for most of us, wanting to please our parents is strong and goes all the way back to babyhood. You are a very important person in your teen’s life, and your approval is important to him, even though he may never admit it. Your teen may complain, ignore you or mutter under his breath, but your disapproval will register and eventually cause so much annoyance (discomfort, guilt) that the behavior will change.
Some problems go beyond a parent’s ability to handle. Look for patterns of behavior in your teen, not just one bad decision. If your teen completely ignores all rules, regularly skips school, is physically intimidating or violent with you, seems sad or depressed for more than a few weeks, talks about suicide, diets excessively, uses drugs or alcohol or gets involved with crime, get help right away. We’ve included some local numbers where you can find help quickly.
Focus on the behavior, not on your teen. Remember, teens need to know their parents will always love them, even if they don’t always love their behavior!
Places to Get Help
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Nationwide Children’s Hospital
700 Children’s Drive
Columbus Ohio
(614) 722-2000
Teenagers and Discipline Part 4: Choosing Your Battles
Teenagers and Discipline Part 4: Choosing Your Battles
Parenting a teen can sometimes feel like a constant battle. can parents minimize the time spent in power struggles? By choosing your battles.
Have realistic expectations
It’s important to remember that the teen brain has not fully developed. Teens can be smart in some ways, but predicting consequences and assessing risk, are not things they are good at yet. Teens will make mistakes, and this does not have to be the cause of a major battle if you expect this and do not overreact.
Evaluate importance
How important is this issue? One question to ask yourself is, what are the possible consequences? Are they beyond child’s ability to cope or comprehend? Is my child or someone else in danger of a life threatening or life changing consequence (drunk driving, unprotected sex, for example)? If so, it may be worth staying involved until the issue is resolved.
Is this still my job?
Asserting themselves is an important part of how teens mature. Sometimes parents, feeling their role changing from boss to advisor, feel that a small argument is a chance to re-establish authority. In cases where a youth really is out of control and putting him or herself in danger, it may be necessary to get family counseling to improve boundaries and communication. If not, though, parents should decide if the power struggle is really about their own struggle to let go of an old role.
Will it be OK in two years?
Sometimes behavior may be ok for now, but doesn’t set a good pattern for the future, like following through on commitments or understanding how their behavior affects others. Ask yourself, will this behavior still be ok in two years? If not, you may want to address it now.
Know your own issues and triggers
Parents are people, with our own histories and sensitive issues. you know that a particular issue affects you emotionally, check yourself to make sure you aren’t over-reacting or imposing your own wishes, regrets or fears on the situation.
Use good communication
When a conversation is becoming heated, it gets hard to hear what the other person is saying. Both people can start to feel like the argument is about “no one can tell me what to do” or “you don’t respect me”. Those feelings can push you and your teen into extreme positions that are more about egos than issues. If one or both of you is feeling this way, it may be time to take a break and come back when tempers are cooler. Remember how you want to be talked to by others. Feeling respected and heard is important to everyone.
Address it sooner rather than later
When something is bothering you, talk about it before you get too frustrated. If you decide it’s not worth addressing, then work to really let it go, not just stuff it away till you explode.
Manage your own stress
Parenting a teen is challenging at the best of times, and work, family and personal issues can pile on the stress. If you are overly stressed, irritability sets in, and small problems seem like crises. Manage your own stress and you can choose battles more wisely.
Don’t be afraid to come back or re evaluate
You may decide something is not a big deal, and then the situation changes and become something that does have to be addressed. that seems like a big problem can suddenly work itself out without much help from you. Don’t be afraid to let something ride for a while and see how it develops, or to go back and change your mind about how something needs to be handled.
Remember! Relationship with your teen is a balancing act. Trust your instincts, check yourself, and stay in touch with your and your teens feelings. Some of those battles may not need to be battles after all!
By Lara Palay, LISW
Places to Get Help
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Nationwide Children’s Hospital
700 Children’s Drive
Columbus Ohio
(614) 722-2000
Teenagers and Discipline Part 4: Choosing Your Battles
Teenagers and Discipline Part 4: Choosing Your Battles
Parenting a teen can sometimes feel like a constant battle. can parents minimize the time spent in power struggles? By choosing your battles.
Have realistic expectations
It’s important to remember that the teen brain has not fully developed. Teens can be smart in some ways, but predicting consequences and assessing risk, are not things they are good at yet. Teens will make mistakes, and this does not have to be the cause of a major battle if you expect this and do not overreact.
Evaluate importance
How important is this issue? One question to ask yourself is, what are the possible consequences? Are they beyond child’s ability to cope or comprehend? Is my child or someone else in danger of a life threatening or life changing consequence (drunk driving, unprotected sex, for example)? If so, it may be worth staying involved until the issue is resolved.
Is this still my job?
Asserting themselves is an important part of how teens mature. Sometimes parents, feeling their role changing from boss to advisor, feel that a small argument is a chance to re-establish authority. In cases where a youth really is out of control and putting him or herself in danger, it may be necessary to get family counseling to improve boundaries and communication. If not, though, parents should decide if the power struggle is really about their own struggle to let go of an old role.
Will it be OK in two years?
Sometimes behavior may be ok for now, but doesn’t set a good pattern for the future, like following through on commitments or understanding how their behavior affects others. Ask yourself, will this behavior still be ok in two years? If not, you may want to address it now.
Know your own issues and triggers
Parents are people, with our own histories and sensitive issues. you know that a particular issue affects you emotionally, check yourself to make sure you aren’t over-reacting or imposing your own wishes, regrets or fears on the situation.
Use good communication
When a conversation is becoming heated, it gets hard to hear what the other person is saying. Both people can start to feel like the argument is about “no one can tell me what to do” or “you don’t respect me”. Those feelings can push you and your teen into extreme positions that are more about egos than issues. If one or both of you is feeling this way, it may be time to take a break and come back when tempers are cooler. Remember how you want to be talked to by others. Feeling respected and heard is important to everyone.
Address it sooner rather than later
When something is bothering you, talk about it before you get too frustrated. If you decide it’s not worth addressing, then work to really let it go, not just stuff it away till you explode.
Manage your own stress
Parenting a teen is challenging at the best of times, and work, family and personal issues can pile on the stress. If you are overly stressed, irritability sets in, and small problems seem like crises. Manage your own stress and you can choose battles more wisely.
Don’t be afraid to come back or re evaluate
You may decide something is not a big deal, and then the situation changes and become something that does have to be addressed. that seems like a big problem can suddenly work itself out without much help from you. Don’t be afraid to let something ride for a while and see how it develops, or to go back and change your mind about how something needs to be handled.
Remember! Relationship with your teen is a balancing act. Trust your instincts, check yourself, and stay in touch with your and your teens feelings. Some of those battles may not need to be battles after all!
By Lara Palay, LISW
Places to Get Help
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Nationwide Children’s Hospital
700 Children’s Drive
Columbus Ohio
(614) 722-2000
Understanding Teens
Growing Up
Transitioning: Older Teens and Young Adults
One of the biggest challenges for parents of teens 18 and older is that, legally, your child is considered an adult. Unless your teen has been “held over” and remains in custody of the court or Children’s Services (usually until age 21), your child can decide where to live, get a driver’s license, sign a lease and other legal contracts, and on and on. This can pose problems if your child is living at home. Parents often hear, “I’m an adult now; you can’t tell me what to do”. In some ways, this is true. Your child is now responsible for his or her own actions. A fistfight with peers previously might have resulted in suspension from school or grounding at home. Now, it can be considered assault, with possible criminal charges. Young adults engaging in sexual relationships with minors aged 15 or younger can be charged with statutory rape or other sexual misconduct. It can be tough for young adults to understand that, while their parent no longer controls them, their parent cannot protect them from their own actions either.
So what to do? As always, it is important to remember that every teen develops individually. Also, every teen develops in different areas at different rates, and we know that some parts of the brain, especially those involved in decision making and self-control, don’t finish growing until roughly age 25. A young man who looks fully-grown at 18 might still be very immature emotionally. Help your teen look at his strengths and his growth areas. A young woman who is old enough to go to college may still need to have her bank account supervised by you. A young man who has just turned eighteen but who is responsible enough to work and pay bills may be ready to move out on his own-with help! Even though the law views each young adult as being the same, each individual really is different.
Young Adults Out In The World
Young adults often struggle with feeling confident and ready to tackle the challenges of the real world. It can help to know that there is some kind of safety net. A young adult out on her own might still need to come home to get help with a problem, or to eat a home-cooked meal. It is important, though, that you work out boundaries to help that young person continue to progress. Coming home to do laundry should also include bringing her own detergent, or helping around the house while the spin cycle is going. Dropping off baskets of clothes for the Laundry Fairy (you!) to take care of while she watches TV or goes out with friends is probably not a system that will work for long.
Young Adults Living At Home
Old enough to vote? Old enough to get a job and help with bills! Taking classes at college? Smart enough to know when the garbage needs to go out (without constant nagging). Your young adult should help to offset the cost of the food and shelter you provide, just like in the real world. You may decide to charge rent, as some parents do, but even if you do not, a young adult living at home should take on more adult tasks and responsibilities. This helps your young adult to keep growing. Helping pay for groceries and taking more responsibility with chores are great ways to do this.
“I don’t have to report to you!”
They’re right: As an adult, your young person is no longer your responsibility in terms of where they are or what they’re up to while they’re out. No police officer will escort them home after curfew. However, people living in a home together share a responsibility not to drive everybody else in the house crazy. Coming in at 2:00 a.m., playing loud music while entertaining friends, etc. might well cause problems in any living situation. It is important to outline your expectations. “Yes, you no longer need to answer to me in the same way you did before. But if you are out ’till all hours, I will sit up and worry anyway. If you blast music and wake everybody up, I will be very upset, and this arrangement will have to change.” Then stick to it. Part of becoming an adult is taking responsibility for your behavior and living with your choices.
Know the system
Like teens, young adults sometimes need help developing skills and transitioning to independence. Some of the services available to teens are also available to your young adult. School systems can continue to help young adults with education plans. Franklin County offers assistance for young adults who qualify for mental retardation/developmental delay (MRDD) services. Vocational programs like the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation (BVR) or COVA can help young people prepare for work readiness. If you are already linked with some of these services before your teen turns eighteen, ask about their transition plan. Huckleberry House’s Youth Outreach Program serves youth through age 22, and can help to link you with resources in the community. Call 614-294-8097 if you would like to be referred to this program.
They still need you
Michael Riera, PhD, suggests thinking of the initial years of parenting as a time to be a “manager” for your child. Adolescents and young adults need you less for managing (decision-making, setting limits) and more as a consultant (pointing out pitfalls, offering suggestions and support). Most of all, your young adult needs to know you will be there when he or she needs you. Young adulthood is a time for creating new things: a new life, a new level of responsibility or sometimes just a new way of seeing yourself. This process takes time, with lots of initial successes mixed with temporary setbacks. Older teens need to know that even though your role may change, you are always a place to come for love and support-and maybe some help with the laundry.
Remember: Tell your young adult that you believe in him or her!
Further reading
Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers; Michael Riera, PhD.
Transitioning: Older Teens and Young Adults
One of the biggest challenges for parents of teens 18 and older is that, legally, your child is considered an adult. Unless your teen has been “held over” and remains in custody of the court or Children’s Services (usually until age 21), your child can decide where to live, get a driver’s license, sign a lease and other legal contracts, and on and on. This can pose problems if your child is living at home. Parents often hear, “I’m an adult now; you can’t tell me what to do”. In some ways, this is true. Your child is now responsible for his or her own actions. A fistfight with peers previously might have resulted in suspension from school or grounding at home. Now, it can be considered assault, with possible criminal charges. Young adults engaging in sexual relationships with minors aged 15 or younger can be charged with statutory rape or other sexual misconduct. It can be tough for young adults to understand that, while their parent no longer controls them, their parent cannot protect them from their own actions either.
So what to do? As always, it is important to remember that every teen develops individually. Also, every teen develops in different areas at different rates, and we know that some parts of the brain, especially those involved in decision making and self-control, don’t finish growing until roughly age 25. A young man who looks fully-grown at 18 might still be very immature emotionally. Help your teen look at his strengths and his growth areas. A young woman who is old enough to go to college may still need to have her bank account supervised by you. A young man who has just turned eighteen but who is responsible enough to work and pay bills may be ready to move out on his own-with help! Even though the law views each young adult as being the same, each individual really is different.
Young Adults Out In The World
Young adults often struggle with feeling confident and ready to tackle the challenges of the real world. It can help to know that there is some kind of safety net. A young adult out on her own might still need to come home to get help with a problem, or to eat a home-cooked meal. It is important, though, that you work out boundaries to help that young person continue to progress. Coming home to do laundry should also include bringing her own detergent, or helping around the house while the spin cycle is going. Dropping off baskets of clothes for the Laundry Fairy (you!) to take care of while she watches TV or goes out with friends is probably not a system that will work for long.
Young Adults Living At Home
Old enough to vote? Old enough to get a job and help with bills! Taking classes at college? Smart enough to know when the garbage needs to go out (without constant nagging). Your young adult should help to offset the cost of the food and shelter you provide, just like in the real world. You may decide to charge rent, as some parents do, but even if you do not, a young adult living at home should take on more adult tasks and responsibilities. This helps your young adult to keep growing. Helping pay for groceries and taking more responsibility with chores are great ways to do this.
“I don’t have to report to you!”
They’re right: As an adult, your young person is no longer your responsibility in terms of where they are or what they’re up to while they’re out. No police officer will escort them home after curfew. However, people living in a home together share a responsibility not to drive everybody else in the house crazy. Coming in at 2:00 a.m., playing loud music while entertaining friends, etc. might well cause problems in any living situation. It is important to outline your expectations. “Yes, you no longer need to answer to me in the same way you did before. But if you are out ’till all hours, I will sit up and worry anyway. If you blast music and wake everybody up, I will be very upset, and this arrangement will have to change.” Then stick to it. Part of becoming an adult is taking responsibility for your behavior and living with your choices.
Know the system
Like teens, young adults sometimes need help developing skills and transitioning to independence. Some of the services available to teens are also available to your young adult. School systems can continue to help young adults with education plans. Franklin County offers assistance for young adults who qualify for mental retardation/developmental delay (MRDD) services. Vocational programs like the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation (BVR) or COVA can help young people prepare for work readiness. If you are already linked with some of these services before your teen turns eighteen, ask about their transition plan. Huckleberry House’s Youth Outreach Program serves youth through age 22, and can help to link you with resources in the community. Call 614-294-8097 if you would like to be referred to this program.
They still need you
Michael Riera, PhD, suggests thinking of the initial years of parenting as a time to be a “manager” for your child. Adolescents and young adults need you less for managing (decision-making, setting limits) and more as a consultant (pointing out pitfalls, offering suggestions and support). Most of all, your young adult needs to know you will be there when he or she needs you. Young adulthood is a time for creating new things: a new life, a new level of responsibility or sometimes just a new way of seeing yourself. This process takes time, with lots of initial successes mixed with temporary setbacks. Older teens need to know that even though your role may change, you are always a place to come for love and support-and maybe some help with the laundry.
Remember: Tell your young adult that you believe in him or her!
Further reading
Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers; Michael Riera, PhD.
Teenagers and Independence
Teenagers and Independence
Independence is the ultimate goal of adolescence. Even though it’s sometimes hard for parents to think about letting go of their child, the best relationships are the ones that teens come back to, as adults, recognizing how their parents have helped them into adulthood by not clinging or pushing them away too soon.
We recommend that parents look for opportunities to teach independence, starting in childhood. Giving choices, encouraging (reasonable) risk-taking and allowing a child to make mistakes are all ways that parents build the skills that make independence possible.
We’ve talked a lot about the push-and-pull of adolescence; teens desperately want to become adults, but are also afraid of it. You can help make this process feel at least a little safer by helping your teen to prepare gradually. Trying new things, making choices and making mistakes becomes even more important in the teen years. Here are some areas that can offer good practice for independence.
Managing time
Encourage your teen to be responsible for his or her own time. “How much time do you need for homework?” “How long to do you need to unwind after school?” If the answers to these questions are “None” and “Until midnight”, then your teen needs some help making a schedule. Many teens can come up with a reasonable time for getting things done, with some practice and initial limits from you. You may want to let her try out her schedule through, say, one grading period. If grades go down, the schedule needs work and maybe more supervision from you.
Getting themselves up
Many parents complain about the daily battles trying to get their teen out of bed. Teens need almost as much sleep as infants, and often don’t get enough of it. After you’ve done your part in limiting the distractions before bedtime (TV and phone calls are common culprits!), help your teen be responsible for getting himself up. Every teen should have his own alarm clock. The natural consequence of not getting up could be a detention at school, or losing a job. After a few repetitions, your teen will likely get the message, and you don’t have to do anything. If you feel your teen is deliberately avoiding school, there may be a more serious problem that requires outside help.
Learning to Handle Money
Not knowing basic financial skills can be one the first things to trip up a newly independent young adult. Look for chances to teach basic money skills. Some parents give their teen a set amount of money and let her plan the weekly grocery shopping or family vacation. Have her help you pay utility bills and budget for expenses. A few experiments can teach a lot more than lectures. Explain carefully about credit cards and limit access to credit. Teens are impulsive, and easily get stuck in the trap of charging more than they can pay off. An after-school job is a great opportunity for your teen to start practicing the Law of Thirds: Save /invest a third, spend a third, donate a third. Teens should have their own savings accounts.
Making Mistakes
More than anything else, teens learn from making mistakes. As a parent, your job is to try to make sure that the mistakes your teen makes aren’t life-threatening, like getting into the car with a drunk driver. In other articles we’ve recommended creating a safety agreement with your teen so that, for example, your teen can call home and get a ride with no questions asked rather than drive drunk. Talk with your teen about the safety agreements you feel are important.
Most mistakes, though, will not fall into that category. No one is perfect, especially parents. It’s important that you teen see that that you do not expect perfection from him or from yourself, and that you can admit your mistakes when you make them. Letting your teen make mistakes, and letting him suffer the consequences of a mistake, can be hard to do. But when you give your teen permission to make mistakes, and let him know you love him anyway, you tell him that you believe in his ability to take a fall, get up and learn from it. And that’s what being an adult is all about.
Remember, stay patient, keep talking and keep trying. You and your teen are worth it!
Teenagers and Independence
Teenagers and Independence
Independence is the ultimate goal of adolescence. Even though it’s sometimes hard for parents to think about letting go of their child, the best relationships are the ones that teens come back to, as adults, recognizing how their parents have helped them into adulthood by not clinging or pushing them away too soon.
We recommend that parents look for opportunities to teach independence, starting in childhood. Giving choices, encouraging (reasonable) risk-taking and allowing a child to make mistakes are all ways that parents build the skills that make independence possible.
We’ve talked a lot about the push-and-pull of adolescence; teens desperately want to become adults, but are also afraid of it. You can help make this process feel at least a little safer by helping your teen to prepare gradually. Trying new things, making choices and making mistakes becomes even more important in the teen years. Here are some areas that can offer good practice for independence.
Managing time
Encourage your teen to be responsible for his or her own time. “How much time do you need for homework?” “How long to do you need to unwind after school?” If the answers to these questions are “None” and “Until midnight”, then your teen needs some help making a schedule. Many teens can come up with a reasonable time for getting things done, with some practice and initial limits from you. You may want to let her try out her schedule through, say, one grading period. If grades go down, the schedule needs work and maybe more supervision from you.
Getting themselves up
Many parents complain about the daily battles trying to get their teen out of bed. Teens need almost as much sleep as infants, and often don’t get enough of it. After you’ve done your part in limiting the distractions before bedtime (TV and phone calls are common culprits!), help your teen be responsible for getting himself up. Every teen should have his own alarm clock. The natural consequence of not getting up could be a detention at school, or losing a job. After a few repetitions, your teen will likely get the message, and you don’t have to do anything. If you feel your teen is deliberately avoiding school, there may be a more serious problem that requires outside help.
Learning to Handle Money
Not knowing basic financial skills can be one the first things to trip up a newly independent young adult. Look for chances to teach basic money skills. Some parents give their teen a set amount of money and let her plan the weekly grocery shopping or family vacation. Have her help you pay utility bills and budget for expenses. A few experiments can teach a lot more than lectures. Explain carefully about credit cards and limit access to credit. Teens are impulsive, and easily get stuck in the trap of charging more than they can pay off. An after-school job is a great opportunity for your teen to start practicing the Law of Thirds: Save /invest a third, spend a third, donate a third. Teens should have their own savings accounts.
Making Mistakes
More than anything else, teens learn from making mistakes. As a parent, your job is to try to make sure that the mistakes your teen makes aren’t life-threatening, like getting into the car with a drunk driver. In other articles we’ve recommended creating a safety agreement with your teen so that, for example, your teen can call home and get a ride with no questions asked rather than drive drunk. Talk with your teen about the safety agreements you feel are important.
Most mistakes, though, will not fall into that category. No one is perfect, especially parents. It’s important that you teen see that that you do not expect perfection from him or from yourself, and that you can admit your mistakes when you make them. Letting your teen make mistakes, and letting him suffer the consequences of a mistake, can be hard to do. But when you give your teen permission to make mistakes, and let him know you love him anyway, you tell him that you believe in his ability to take a fall, get up and learn from it. And that’s what being an adult is all about.
Remember, stay patient, keep talking and keep trying. You and your teen are worth it!
Youth in Transition: Helpful Hints for Success
The transition for young people from being teenagers to young adults is an exciting and scary time. Young people begin to develop a sense of self and yearn for independence. This quest for independence often leads a young person to seek a living situation independent from their loved ones.
As a parent or a guardian, how can you assist your young adult in this transition to independence? The following “helpful hints” can help you and your young adult find a starting point, and chisel away at the anxiety that can come at this exciting and scary time.
Start with the basics. What kind of a budget do you have? To do this, figure out the biggest expense first — rent! To do this, take your monthly earnings (add up all of your income for 4 weeks) and take 30% of that (multiply by .30, ex. $800 x .30 = $240 per month).
Consider finding a roommate; this will cut overall expenses in half and reduce feeling lonely.
Location, location, location! Choose a place close to family, school, work, bus line, grocery store, laundromat, etc.
Assist your youth in opening a checking/savings account & teach them how to use it (balancing a checkbook, making deposits, etc.).
Go grocery shopping with your teen and teach him or her how to buy nutritious food on a budget.
Demonstrate how to do laundry and general house cleaning (include a lesson on changing their bed sheets regularly).
Make sure that they have all of the safety basics including:
- fire extinguisher
- smoke/carbon monoxide detector
- cooking supplies (baking sheets, pots & pans, measuring cups, cutting board, sharp knives, silverware, dishes, glasses)
- cleaning supplies (multi-purpose cleaners are great!)
- vacuum cleaner
- towels, sheets and blankets
Most importantly, keep supporting your young person through this transition. Your patience and encouragement makes a difference.
Youth in Transition: Helpful Hints for Success
The transition for young people from being teenagers to young adults is an exciting and scary time. Young people begin to develop a sense of self and yearn for independence. This quest for independence often leads a young person to seek a living situation independent from their loved ones.
As a parent or a guardian, how can you assist your young adult in this transition to independence? The following “helpful hints” can help you and your young adult find a starting point, and chisel away at the anxiety that can come at this exciting and scary time.
Start with the basics. What kind of a budget do you have? To do this, figure out the biggest expense first — rent! To do this, take your monthly earnings (add up all of your income for 4 weeks) and take 30% of that (multiply by .30, ex. $800 x .30 = $240 per month).
Consider finding a roommate; this will cut overall expenses in half and reduce feeling lonely.
Location, location, location! Choose a place close to family, school, work, bus line, grocery store, laundromat, etc.
Assist your youth in opening a checking/savings account & teach them how to use it (balancing a checkbook, making deposits, etc.).
Go grocery shopping with your teen and teach him or her how to buy nutritious food on a budget.
Demonstrate how to do laundry and general house cleaning (include a lesson on changing their bed sheets regularly).
Make sure that they have all of the safety basics including:
- fire extinguisher
- smoke/carbon monoxide detector
- cooking supplies (baking sheets, pots & pans, measuring cups, cutting board, sharp knives, silverware, dishes, glasses)
- cleaning supplies (multi-purpose cleaners are great!)
- vacuum cleaner
- towels, sheets and blankets
Most importantly, keep supporting your young person through this transition. Your patience and encouragement makes a difference.
Building The Relationship
Turning It Around With Your Teen
We’ve put together a list of small but important steps you can take to help “turn things around” with your teen.
Listen
When your teen is talking about something, remind yourself you aren’t going to interrupt, criticize or give advice.
Get involved
Find out one thing today you don’t know about your teen’s life. This might include who your teen’s friends are, who their parents are, and what places they’re going. Or find out what Internet sites your teen visits, and what information he or she has posted.
Tell them what you care about
Let them know, briefly, that you want them not to smoke, drink, have sex, or whatever it is you care about. No lecture needed.
Change one habit during an argument
Do you shout? Talk softly. Do you tend to argue in the kitchen? Stop the argument and move to another room, or plan a conversation for the car. Say yes to something you might usually say no to.
Try peacemaking
Are you “always right”? Apologize or take responsibility for something, even something small, in a conflict with your teen. Tell your teen about something you messed up when you were a teenager.
Manage your own stress
Do one extra or new thing just for yourself. This might mean calling a friend, taking a nap, going for a walk, lighting an aromatherapy candle, or whatever you do to relax and feel cared for.
One extra step
Find a way to add one extra positive moment each day. This could be an extra hug, an “I love you” on the way out the door, or an encouraging note on the kitchen table.
Remember, it’s often the small things that can make an impossible situation suddenly seem workable, or a tense conversation feel more relaxed.
You can turn it around!
“From Our House To Yours” is written by Lara Palay, LISW and Team Leader of the Huckleberry House Family Support Program.
Turning It Around With Your Teen
We’ve put together a list of small but important steps you can take to help “turn things around” with your teen.
Listen
When your teen is talking about something, remind yourself you aren’t going to interrupt, criticize or give advice.
Get involved
Find out one thing today you don’t know about your teen’s life. This might include who your teen’s friends are, who their parents are, and what places they’re going. Or find out what Internet sites your teen visits, and what information he or she has posted.
Tell them what you care about
Let them know, briefly, that you want them not to smoke, drink, have sex, or whatever it is you care about. No lecture needed.
Change one habit during an argument
Do you shout? Talk softly. Do you tend to argue in the kitchen? Stop the argument and move to another room, or plan a conversation for the car. Say yes to something you might usually say no to.
Try peacemaking
Are you “always right”? Apologize or take responsibility for something, even something small, in a conflict with your teen. Tell your teen about something you messed up when you were a teenager.
Manage your own stress
Do one extra or new thing just for yourself. This might mean calling a friend, taking a nap, going for a walk, lighting an aromatherapy candle, or whatever you do to relax and feel cared for.
One extra step
Find a way to add one extra positive moment each day. This could be an extra hug, an “I love you” on the way out the door, or an encouraging note on the kitchen table.
Remember, it’s often the small things that can make an impossible situation suddenly seem workable, or a tense conversation feel more relaxed.
You can turn it around!
“From Our House To Yours” is written by Lara Palay, LISW and Team Leader of the Huckleberry House Family Support Program.
Building Free Time This Summer
Summer often means that there is less tension at home. Schedules are looser, and there are no grade cards to argue about! But summer has it’s share of challenges for parents and teens.
Renegotiate Rules
Teens often feel that because they are out of school they should be able to stay up late, sleep in and relax. Parents often don’t feel the same! We suggest you sit down with your teen and come up with “summer rules.” Maybe it’s okay to stay up an hour or two later, but not all night. You may let your teen get up an hour or two later, but not sleep until noon. Also, think about curfew, time out with friends and other privileges. Remember, privileges and responsibilities go together. If your teen gets new freedom, make sure there is some new responsibility (mowing the lawn, doing laundry) to go with it.
Money, money, money
More free time means more time out and about with friends. For most teens, this means spending money. Discuss with your teen how he or she can earn some more spending money. This might be a summer job for older teens. For younger teens, find a way to earn cash doing odd jobs for you or neighbors.
Keep some structure
Looser summer schedules can be a welcome break from the school year routine. Teens, however, especially those who are anxious or impulsive, really need consistent schedules and rules. Dinner together, worship on Sunday, family game night on Friday: whatever your family likes to do, make sure there is an anchor every week, or even every day, that your teen can count on.
Relax
Teens and families need down time, too. Don’t forget to keep a balance between scheduled activities and lazy, hang around time. You and your teen can sit down and talk about the balance. It can take time and some trial and error to figure it out, so keep trying!
Some Activities and Where To Find Them
- Summer reading programs: Columbus Libraries
- Day camps: Columbus Parks and Recreation
- Art classes: Godman Guild
- Sport camps: Silesian Boys Club
- Drop in activities: City Year
- Paid jobs: Urban League
- Volunteer jobs: First Link
“From Our House To Yours” is written by Lara Palay, LISW and Team Leader of the Huckleberry House Family Support Program.
Building Free Time This Summer
Summer often means that there is less tension at home. Schedules are looser, and there are no grade cards to argue about! But summer has it’s share of challenges for parents and teens.
Renegotiate Rules
Teens often feel that because they are out of school they should be able to stay up late, sleep in and relax. Parents often don’t feel the same! We suggest you sit down with your teen and come up with “summer rules.” Maybe it’s okay to stay up an hour or two later, but not all night. You may let your teen get up an hour or two later, but not sleep until noon. Also, think about curfew, time out with friends and other privileges. Remember, privileges and responsibilities go together. If your teen gets new freedom, make sure there is some new responsibility (mowing the lawn, doing laundry) to go with it.
Money, money, money
More free time means more time out and about with friends. For most teens, this means spending money. Discuss with your teen how he or she can earn some more spending money. This might be a summer job for older teens. For younger teens, find a way to earn cash doing odd jobs for you or neighbors.
Keep some structure
Looser summer schedules can be a welcome break from the school year routine. Teens, however, especially those who are anxious or impulsive, really need consistent schedules and rules. Dinner together, worship on Sunday, family game night on Friday: whatever your family likes to do, make sure there is an anchor every week, or even every day, that your teen can count on.
Relax
Teens and families need down time, too. Don’t forget to keep a balance between scheduled activities and lazy, hang around time. You and your teen can sit down and talk about the balance. It can take time and some trial and error to figure it out, so keep trying!
Some Activities and Where To Find Them
- Summer reading programs: Columbus Libraries
- Day camps: Columbus Parks and Recreation
- Art classes: Godman Guild
- Sport camps: Silesian Boys Club
- Drop in activities: City Year
- Paid jobs: Urban League
- Volunteer jobs: First Link
“From Our House To Yours” is written by Lara Palay, LISW and Team Leader of the Huckleberry House Family Support Program.
Communication
Teens and Communication
Teens and Communication
Parents worry a lot about teens. They worry their teen will get into trouble, that their teen won’t be ready for adulthood, that they don’t matter anymore with their teen. We’ve learned that teens worry a lot too, and good communication can help parents and teens work this out.
Teens are mostly worried that they are going to be treated like a baby forever, and at the same time they worry that they aren’t ready yet to be a grown-up. They worry about grades, school or finding a job. They worry about sex, drugs and alcohol. They worry about their families. They worry about their friends, but mostly they worry about themselves. The hard part about communicating with a teen is that she doesn’t always tell you what she’s worried about. This is because, for many teens, letting a parent in on the problem means that the teen can’t handle it herself; in other words, she’s still a little kid. Often the most that parents get to see is an uncommunicative or irritable teen, and the parent is left wondering what they said to make their child so angry.
The first step is recognizing that this stage doesn’t last forever. Once teens start feeling more comfortable about taking on grown-up stuff, usually around ages 17 to 22, they feel less that talking to a parent equals “being a baby”. In the meantime, here are some things that we find make communicating easier:
Make Your Point Fast
When the lecture starts, teens stop listening. Parents sometimes worry about making sure their child “understands how important this is…”. Believe us, chances are your teen already knows how you feel. Keep your message short, calm and to the point. “I expect you not to smoke. If I find out you have been smoking, we will talk more about it. If you need help or have questions you can always come to me about it”.
Stay Cool
Teens often think parents are angry, even when it isn’t true. If you really are angry, admit it and ask yourself if you can calm down enough to talk it out. If the answer is no, put off conversation for a time you can be calm. Sometimes teens can be overly sensitive, and they read a lot of things into a simple sentence or question. It’s hard to put up with, but be patient and let your teen know you’re not angry. Chances are the “You’re always angry with me!” tactic is really about your teen worrying (there it is again!) that he or she is messing up in some way.
Allow for Space
Don’t expect your teen to tell you everything. Teens need to feel they can manage things without parents. Sometimes they act like they are allergic to parents to point out to everybody, and mostly themselves, how grown-up they are. Let them do this. Don’t listen in on conversations, don’t read diaries, don’t snoop. On the other hand, explain there are some things you need to know, like where, who, when and what they’re doing (including online). We know, it’s tricky.
Take Care of Yourself (and Let Stuff Go)
Teens can be very thoughtless and hurtful at times. It’s OK, and even important, to let your teen know he made you angry or hurt your feelings, but don’t keep the fight going or say hurtful things back “to teach him a lesson”. You are the adult. Adults take care of their own feelings. Children, including teenagers, feel overwhelmed at the idea of being a grown-up or taking care of one. Saying to your teen “I’m so upset, but you can make me feel better by…”, in other words, making him responsible for fixing how you feel, is too hard for your teen to handle.
Take Responsibility
Teens become very good at catching parents at making mistakes, fudging the truth or not always living up to their own rules. This is part of how a teen learns to look critically at herself and the world. Be honest, and admit mistakes. Showing your teen that you know you’re not perfect, and that you’re OK with that, teaches her that it’s OK if she‘s not perfect either. It also teaches honesty and builds trust between you and your teen.
Most importantly, always tell your teen how much you love him or her, no matter what. Communicate!
Teens and Communication
Teens and Communication
Parents worry a lot about teens. They worry their teen will get into trouble, that their teen won’t be ready for adulthood, that they don’t matter anymore with their teen. We’ve learned that teens worry a lot too, and good communication can help parents and teens work this out.
Teens are mostly worried that they are going to be treated like a baby forever, and at the same time they worry that they aren’t ready yet to be a grown-up. They worry about grades, school or finding a job. They worry about sex, drugs and alcohol. They worry about their families. They worry about their friends, but mostly they worry about themselves. The hard part about communicating with a teen is that she doesn’t always tell you what she’s worried about. This is because, for many teens, letting a parent in on the problem means that the teen can’t handle it herself; in other words, she’s still a little kid. Often the most that parents get to see is an uncommunicative or irritable teen, and the parent is left wondering what they said to make their child so angry.
The first step is recognizing that this stage doesn’t last forever. Once teens start feeling more comfortable about taking on grown-up stuff, usually around ages 17 to 22, they feel less that talking to a parent equals “being a baby”. In the meantime, here are some things that we find make communicating easier:
Make Your Point Fast
When the lecture starts, teens stop listening. Parents sometimes worry about making sure their child “understands how important this is…”. Believe us, chances are your teen already knows how you feel. Keep your message short, calm and to the point. “I expect you not to smoke. If I find out you have been smoking, we will talk more about it. If you need help or have questions you can always come to me about it”.
Stay Cool
Teens often think parents are angry, even when it isn’t true. If you really are angry, admit it and ask yourself if you can calm down enough to talk it out. If the answer is no, put off conversation for a time you can be calm. Sometimes teens can be overly sensitive, and they read a lot of things into a simple sentence or question. It’s hard to put up with, but be patient and let your teen know you’re not angry. Chances are the “You’re always angry with me!” tactic is really about your teen worrying (there it is again!) that he or she is messing up in some way.
Allow for Space
Don’t expect your teen to tell you everything. Teens need to feel they can manage things without parents. Sometimes they act like they are allergic to parents to point out to everybody, and mostly themselves, how grown-up they are. Let them do this. Don’t listen in on conversations, don’t read diaries, don’t snoop. On the other hand, explain there are some things you need to know, like where, who, when and what they’re doing (including online). We know, it’s tricky.
Take Care of Yourself (and Let Stuff Go)
Teens can be very thoughtless and hurtful at times. It’s OK, and even important, to let your teen know he made you angry or hurt your feelings, but don’t keep the fight going or say hurtful things back “to teach him a lesson”. You are the adult. Adults take care of their own feelings. Children, including teenagers, feel overwhelmed at the idea of being a grown-up or taking care of one. Saying to your teen “I’m so upset, but you can make me feel better by…”, in other words, making him responsible for fixing how you feel, is too hard for your teen to handle.
Take Responsibility
Teens become very good at catching parents at making mistakes, fudging the truth or not always living up to their own rules. This is part of how a teen learns to look critically at herself and the world. Be honest, and admit mistakes. Showing your teen that you know you’re not perfect, and that you’re OK with that, teaches her that it’s OK if she‘s not perfect either. It also teaches honesty and builds trust between you and your teen.
Most importantly, always tell your teen how much you love him or her, no matter what. Communicate!
Other Helpful Articles
Additional Resources
Additional Resources
Recommended Reading
It’s Not Fair, Jeremy Spencer’s Parents Let Him Stay Up All Night!
A Guide to the Tougher Parts of Parenting
Anthony E. Wolf, PhD
Farrer, Straus, Giroux, 1995.
Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?
A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager
Anthony E. Wolf, PhD
Farrer, Straus, Giroux, 1991
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Avon books, 1980
Parents, Teens and Boundaries:
How to Draw the Line
Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Health Communications, Inc., 1993
Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers
Michael Riera, PhD.
Celestial Arts, 1995
Places to Get Help:
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Children’s Hospital Guidance Center
899 E. Broad St.
Columbus, Ohio 43205
(614) 861-5050
Additional Resources
Additional Resources
Recommended Reading
It’s Not Fair, Jeremy Spencer’s Parents Let Him Stay Up All Night!
A Guide to the Tougher Parts of Parenting
Anthony E. Wolf, PhD
Farrer, Straus, Giroux, 1995.
Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?
A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager
Anthony E. Wolf, PhD
Farrer, Straus, Giroux, 1991
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Avon books, 1980
Parents, Teens and Boundaries:
How to Draw the Line
Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Health Communications, Inc., 1993
Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers
Michael Riera, PhD.
Celestial Arts, 1995
Places to Get Help:
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Children’s Hospital Guidance Center
899 E. Broad St.
Columbus, Ohio 43205
(614) 861-5050
Workshops
Huckleberry House has developed a workshop series based on the articles that you’ve been reading in our newsletters. Workshops are free and available to any group that wants to sponsor one. The “From Our House to Yours” workshops are tailored for community centers, churches, or the workplace. Sponsoring organizations can choose from five topics. Workshop length is flexible – working well as brown bag lunches or evening presentations.
Workshop descriptions are as follows:
Teens and Communication
Teens want to be understood as much as parents do. Keep the lines of communication open using direct, flexible strategies explored in this workshop.
Setting Limits
Teens still need limits as well as learning about increasing responsibilities. Learn to develop limits that are appropriate for a teen’s developmental stage.
Lies & Confrontations
Lying is often a source of conflict for parents and teens. Understand why teens lie and how to confront unacceptable behavior.
Consequences
One of life’s most important lessons is that our actions have consequences. Learn how to develop consequences that teach, not just punish.
Teens and Independence
Independence is the ultimate goal of adolescence. Get practical suggestions for helping your teen into adulthood.
Workshop presenters are Huckleberry House staff. Staff receives comprehensive training in the areas of:
- Adolescent development
- Crisis intervention
- Conflict resolution with teens
To schedule a presentation by the Huckleberry House “From Our House to Yours” Community Education Program, please contact (614) 294-8097, fax (614) 294-6109, or email kcrockett@huck-house.org.
Workshops
Huckleberry House has developed a workshop series based on the articles that you’ve been reading in our newsletters. Workshops are free and available to any group that wants to sponsor one. The “From Our House to Yours” workshops are tailored for community centers, churches, or the workplace. Sponsoring organizations can choose from five topics. Workshop length is flexible – working well as brown bag lunches or evening presentations.
Workshop descriptions are as follows:
Teens and Communication
Teens want to be understood as much as parents do. Keep the lines of communication open using direct, flexible strategies explored in this workshop.
Setting Limits
Teens still need limits as well as learning about increasing responsibilities. Learn to develop limits that are appropriate for a teen’s developmental stage.
Lies & Confrontations
Lying is often a source of conflict for parents and teens. Understand why teens lie and how to confront unacceptable behavior.
Consequences
One of life’s most important lessons is that our actions have consequences. Learn how to develop consequences that teach, not just punish.
Teens and Independence
Independence is the ultimate goal of adolescence. Get practical suggestions for helping your teen into adulthood.
Workshop presenters are Huckleberry House staff. Staff receives comprehensive training in the areas of:
- Adolescent development
- Crisis intervention
- Conflict resolution with teens
To schedule a presentation by the Huckleberry House “From Our House to Yours” Community Education Program, please contact (614) 294-8097, fax (614) 294-6109, or email kcrockett@huck-house.org.
Resources for Teachers, Counselors, and Administrators
Since 1970, Huckleberry House has been reaching young people and their families to build stronger lives. We have printed materials we can provide for your school. To receive a package of agency brochures, Text to Safety cards, or Huck House wristbands (with the crisis hotline), or any other support materials, please contact our offices at (614) 294-8097.
We also have experts who can give presentations to classes or at school assemblies:
Huck House 101:
Our program managers are available to speak to a group of students or your entire student body about how to access resources at Huck House and in the community. They can talk about when to seek help and what kind of help is available.
Teen Topics:
We offer presentations about managing stress, how to “fight fair” with your parents, conflict resolution, and more. If there is a topic you think your students need to hear about, we have probably given a presentation about it. Or we can create one. Just ask.
Youth Homelessness:
As strong advocates for preventing and ending youth homelessness, our staff welcomes every opportunity to discuss the issues and share ideas for how we can end this crisis in our community.
Does your student need help right now?
Call our 24/7 Crisis Hotline at (614) 294-5553 to talk with someone right away.
Our crisis counselors can help you determine which resources your student should access.
Other Resources
Resources
This is our community. These are our kids. Together, we can make an impact.
CARR/Youth Outreach Program.
If you want help accessing community resources or information about youth housing options call the YOP Shop:
If you are in a crisis and need help, call our 24-hour crisis hotline:
Q&A For Youth
I need a safe place to stay. Can Huck House help with housing?
The Huck House Crisis Shelter offers a temporary safe place to stay for teens ages 12 to 17 who are struggling with a disruptive, dangerous, or difficult situation at home. The average length of stay at the shelter is five to seven days, and we work to help you safely return home whenever possible. If you’re 17 or older, we can help link you to safe housing options. We also offer a Transitional Living Program that can help young people learn how to establish homes of their own. Learn more about our housing program.
Where is Huck House and what if I need help getting there?
Huck House is located at 1421 Hamlet Street in the Weinland Park area. If you can’t safely get here on your own, our Safe Place Partners can help. To find a Safe Place site, send a text to 44357 with the word SAFE and your current location. Learn more about our Safe Place Program.
If I come to the shelter can I bring my cell phone?
Yes. You are allowed to have your cell phone and other devices at Huck House. But you might not have a connection to WiFi. We just ask that you do not take pictures of other youth while you are here. Learn more about our Crisis Shelter.
Do I need my parent or guardian’s permission to stay at Huck House?
Huck House staff will contact your parent or guardian within 24 hours of your arrival at Huck House. Our staff members are really good at convincing guardians to allow young people to stay here. We explain how helpful we can be for you and your family. We encourage you to come in and talk to us, and we will do our best to get you permission to stay.
I’m not ready to leave home. Yet. But things with my family are getting bad. Can you help?
Absolutely. The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House provides individual and family counseling to young people and families struggling with all types of issues including trauma, substance abuse, identity confusion, and immigration and assimilation problems. You don’t have to be currently facing a crisis situation to take advantage of our services. In fact, the program is designed to help you prevent a crisis before it happens. Learn more about The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House.
If I’m 18 or older, is there anything Huck House can do to help me?
Our Crisis Shelter is only for teens ages 12 to 17. But we do offer programs tailored to the needs of older youth, including The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House and Transitional Living Program. We also have a YOP Shop that serves youth who are 12 to 24 years old. Located in the Linden area, the YOP Shop is open Monday through Friday, 10 am to 6 pm, and staffed by counselors who can help link you to safe housing and other essential resources. Learn more about our programs.
Q&A For Parents
If a youth shows up at your crisis shelter will you let me know?
Yes. It’s our policy to contact parents/guardians within 24 hours of a youth arriving at Huck House.
Can I visit my youth while she’s staying at the crisis shelter?
Yes. We encourage interaction as much as possible, and we believe that our program is most effective when the whole family is involved. You will be invited to participate in family counseling sessions, and you can also stop by at your convenience. Other family members, including grandparents and siblings, are welcome to visit, too. Youth may even attend outings with you or with other family members or friends, with your permission. In general, it’s a good idea to let us know when you’re planning a visit so we can be sure your youth is here—we go on many different group outings and most of our youth do attend school and work.
How long can my youth stay at Huck House?
Youth typically stay with us for about five days. But every situation is unique. We are always working toward resolving family issues and reuniting families whenever it’s safe and possible to do so.
Are your counseling services only for youth that stay in the Crisis Shelter?
No. Many of the youth who stay in our Crisis Shelter are referred to The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House for ongoing counseling. But our counselors provide individual and family counseling for other Central Ohio families as well. We work with families struggling with all types of issues including trauma, substance abuse, identity confusion, and immigration and assimilation problems. Learn more about The Counseling Center at Huckleberry House.
What do your counseling services cost?
There is no cost to the families we serve. If you have Medicaid, your benefits will cover your counseling. If you don’t have insurance, the cost is covered by the Alcohol, Drug, and Mental Health Board of Franklin County. Currently, we cannot serve families with private insurance, and we will refer those families to another program.
Can I participate in counseling with my child?
Yes. We like to offer a combination of individual and family counseling. So it’s likely we’ll meet with you and your youth separately. We also hold family sessions where we will work with you and your youth together along with other members of the family who would like to participate.
What if my family can’t make it to your office for counseling?
That’s not a problem. We can meet you at your home, at your child’s school, or even at the park if that’s best for you. We offer counseling services during they day as well as evenings and weekends to fit your family’s schedule.
Have a different question? Click here to learn more about our programs and how we can help. Or call Huck House at (614) 294-8097. You can also call our 24/7 Crisis Hotline (614) 294-5553 for immediate assistance.
Important Resources for Parents
Below are links to some of our most popular parent resources. If you have additional questions about how we can help, click here to learn more about our programs. Or give us a call at (614) 294-8097. You can also call our 24/7 Crisis Hotline (614) 294-5553 for immediate crisis assistance.
Teens and Drugs and Alcohol
Teens and Drugs and Alcohol
Among the many issues that teens have to confront these days, substance use is one of the most widespread. Most parents know that it’s important to talk with your teen about drugs and alcohol. It’s not always easy to have that conversation. How do you talk to your teen about drugs? Here are a few tips:
Don’t lecture
As always, when the speech starts, your teen stops listening. Try starting a conversation with questions instead. How easy is it to find drugs at your school? What do you think about drug use? Are there some kids you know who have problems with drinking? You may want to agree to some “immunity” for your teen for sharing this information with you. “I won’t make you stop being friends with someone as long as you’re not in danger when you hang out together”, for example.
Don’t overstate the danger
Don’t try to use overblown scare tactics to get your teen’s attention. Many teens will quickly see through any over-dramatizing, whether it’s in a commercial or a conversation with you. The truth is that not everyone who drinks alcohol or uses drugs will abuse them or become addicted. It’s OK to acknowledge that. Point out, though, that even though some people experiment with drugs with little or no problems, drugs like cocaine, meth or heroin can harm or kill someone the first time.
Explain the real risks
The problem with drugs and alcohol is that while not everyone will become an addict, anyone can become one. One person can use heavily without developing a problem; others can use infrequently and become dependent. As Anthony Wolf, PhD. explains, the only way you know for sure which one you will be is when you become an addict.
Your teen needs to know about any factors that may put him or her at risk. Studies have shown consistently that a family history of drug or alcohol dependence can put a person at greater risk for substance abuse. If your teen has a family history of problems with drugs or alcohol, make sure he or she knows to be extra careful about his or her choices.
Don’t forget the other problems
Remember, drug and alcohol use has other dangers besides addiction. Underage alcohol use is illegal. All recreational drug use is illegal. Teens can get themselves or their friends into serious trouble. Also, drugs and alcohol make teens vulnerable to really dangerous behavior like driving impaired or having unsafe sex. Criminals look for potential victims who seem less aware of their surroundings, and a drunk or high teen can be an easy target.
There may be higher risks for girls
Alcohol and drugs are dangerous for teens, period. Some evidence suggests, though, that females are at greater risk for getting drunker quicker, and for abuse or addiction problems, than males. This is because most females metabolize or “absorb” alcohol more slowly than males. This leaves the alcohol in their systems longer and intoxication can be more severe.
Beware of bingeing
For both males and females, some of the most dangerous drinking is “binge drinking,” or drinking as much alcohol as possible in the shortest time. Bingeing is often a party game or part of a college initiation. This kind of consumption can lead to coma or death because the brain simply cannot handle so much alcohol all at once. Tell your teen to avoid those kinds of games.
Be truthful
If your teen asks about your use when you were a teen or young adult, tell the truth. If you experimented in your youth, say so. You don’t have to go into detail. You can also talk about what you thought then, what you think about it now, and how your mistakes (or close calls) have affected your life today. Sometimes teens make the argument, “Well, you have a couple beers after work. Isn’t that the same thing?” It’s OK and important to say, yes, there are some things about that which are the same. But there are differences too. The differences are:
- It’s legal for me to use alcohol.
- I’m not putting myself or others at risk (i.e., driving drunk).
- You are still learning to make important decisions. Alcohol and drugs make it harder for you to do that (see above).
- Acknowledge your own issues
This may be tough, but teens listen to and respect adults who can admit their own mistakes and inconsistencies. You may decide to confront your own use and make changes in your life. It’s OK for your teen to know that you are addressing your own problems. It’s even OK for your teen to see how tough that can be, especially if they also see you continuing to try.
Remember, teens report that their parents’ rules and expectations are a deterrent to using drugs and alcohol. Talk to your teen!
Teens and Drugs and Alcohol
Teens and Drugs and Alcohol
Among the many issues that teens have to confront these days, substance use is one of the most widespread. Most parents know that it’s important to talk with your teen about drugs and alcohol. It’s not always easy to have that conversation. How do you talk to your teen about drugs? Here are a few tips:
Don’t lecture
As always, when the speech starts, your teen stops listening. Try starting a conversation with questions instead. How easy is it to find drugs at your school? What do you think about drug use? Are there some kids you know who have problems with drinking? You may want to agree to some “immunity” for your teen for sharing this information with you. “I won’t make you stop being friends with someone as long as you’re not in danger when you hang out together”, for example.
Don’t overstate the danger
Don’t try to use overblown scare tactics to get your teen’s attention. Many teens will quickly see through any over-dramatizing, whether it’s in a commercial or a conversation with you. The truth is that not everyone who drinks alcohol or uses drugs will abuse them or become addicted. It’s OK to acknowledge that. Point out, though, that even though some people experiment with drugs with little or no problems, drugs like cocaine, meth or heroin can harm or kill someone the first time.
Explain the real risks
The problem with drugs and alcohol is that while not everyone will become an addict, anyone can become one. One person can use heavily without developing a problem; others can use infrequently and become dependent. As Anthony Wolf, PhD. explains, the only way you know for sure which one you will be is when you become an addict.
Your teen needs to know about any factors that may put him or her at risk. Studies have shown consistently that a family history of drug or alcohol dependence can put a person at greater risk for substance abuse. If your teen has a family history of problems with drugs or alcohol, make sure he or she knows to be extra careful about his or her choices.
Don’t forget the other problems
Remember, drug and alcohol use has other dangers besides addiction. Underage alcohol use is illegal. All recreational drug use is illegal. Teens can get themselves or their friends into serious trouble. Also, drugs and alcohol make teens vulnerable to really dangerous behavior like driving impaired or having unsafe sex. Criminals look for potential victims who seem less aware of their surroundings, and a drunk or high teen can be an easy target.
There may be higher risks for girls
Alcohol and drugs are dangerous for teens, period. Some evidence suggests, though, that females are at greater risk for getting drunker quicker, and for abuse or addiction problems, than males. This is because most females metabolize or “absorb” alcohol more slowly than males. This leaves the alcohol in their systems longer and intoxication can be more severe.
Beware of bingeing
For both males and females, some of the most dangerous drinking is “binge drinking,” or drinking as much alcohol as possible in the shortest time. Bingeing is often a party game or part of a college initiation. This kind of consumption can lead to coma or death because the brain simply cannot handle so much alcohol all at once. Tell your teen to avoid those kinds of games.
Be truthful
If your teen asks about your use when you were a teen or young adult, tell the truth. If you experimented in your youth, say so. You don’t have to go into detail. You can also talk about what you thought then, what you think about it now, and how your mistakes (or close calls) have affected your life today. Sometimes teens make the argument, “Well, you have a couple beers after work. Isn’t that the same thing?” It’s OK and important to say, yes, there are some things about that which are the same. But there are differences too. The differences are:
- It’s legal for me to use alcohol.
- I’m not putting myself or others at risk (i.e., driving drunk).
- You are still learning to make important decisions. Alcohol and drugs make it harder for you to do that (see above).
- Acknowledge your own issues
This may be tough, but teens listen to and respect adults who can admit their own mistakes and inconsistencies. You may decide to confront your own use and make changes in your life. It’s OK for your teen to know that you are addressing your own problems. It’s even OK for your teen to see how tough that can be, especially if they also see you continuing to try.
Remember, teens report that their parents’ rules and expectations are a deterrent to using drugs and alcohol. Talk to your teen!
Teen Boys
More than anything else, boys and girls are individuals. There is no “one size fits all” approach to dealing with teens. We have found, though, that some things seem to work better when we help families communicate with teen boys.
Boys and girls, like adults, have the same five basic feelings: anger, sadness, fear, happiness and embarrassment. What’s different sometimes is how teen boys and girls handle and express these feelings.
Many boys are a little slower to mature emotionally than girls. This doesn’t mean that boys aren’t as sensitive or don’t feel things as deeply as girls. In fact, boys sometimes get overwhelmed more easily by strong feelings. When boys get overwhelmed, they’re more likely to shut down or act like they don’t care than, say, get into a screaming fight with parents.
If a boy is going to let his feelings out, he may express anger. At times it can seem easier or more acceptable to a teen boy to be angry than to admit feeling sad or scared. Adults have to dig a bit to find out what the anger is really about.
We sometimes hear from families that their teen boy “never comes out of his room”, or is so involved outside the house that it’s hard to know what is going on with him. Like girls, when boys become teens their friends and outside interests become incredibly important. It can be frustrating when a teen mentions that he “had a really good talk with Coach” about something, even though it seems he never talks at home any more. It’s important for teens to feel that they aren’t as dependent on parents and family as they used to be. Boys often try to do this by keeping difficult feelings quiet, or sharing with other people.
Here are some tips to help your teen boy open up a little about what’s going on:
Keep it low-key
Many boys are less comfortable with “intense” conversations than girls are. Talking face-to-face can feel too personal or confrontational, and this can make a boy clam up pretty quickly. Try doing an activity together that lets you talk side-by-side (driving, working on something together) so that you aren’t facing each other but can still talk easily.
Do something active
Boys often process thoughts and feelings more easily if they can move while they talk. Some boys who have a hard time concentrating in school find it helps to pace while reading, for example, or squeeze a stress ball during class. In the same way, it can help to give a teen boy something physical to do while talking. Shooting baskets, raking leaves, even doing the dishes together can help words flow.
Keep it short
Boys often don’t have the energy for long, drawn-out emotional scenes. One of the benefits of talking in the car is that, unless you’re on a long car trip, your teen boy knows the conversation won’t last too long. Just knowing this might help him feel comfortable enough to open up.
Pick your battles
Let your teen know that you understand his need for privacy about some things, but that you will keep asking about important stuff. “It’s OK for you not to tell me everything about your friends, but you always have to tell me where you’re going and when you’ll be home”.
Be creative
Sometimes, any conversation can feel uncomfortable and threatening to teens. Leaving notes, writing letters, or even recording messages between you can help open lines of communication. Let your teen know that you think anything he has to share is important. And as always, really listen when your teen does decide to talk.
Don’t give up
Most of all, keep trying! Even if he sometimes acts like he’s allergic to you, your teen desperately wants to know that you are there to listen and help when he needs you.
Remember, teens may not always be ready to talk, but they always need someone who is ready to listen.
Teen Boys
More than anything else, boys and girls are individuals. There is no “one size fits all” approach to dealing with teens. We have found, though, that some things seem to work better when we help families communicate with teen boys.
Boys and girls, like adults, have the same five basic feelings: anger, sadness, fear, happiness and embarrassment. What’s different sometimes is how teen boys and girls handle and express these feelings.
Many boys are a little slower to mature emotionally than girls. This doesn’t mean that boys aren’t as sensitive or don’t feel things as deeply as girls. In fact, boys sometimes get overwhelmed more easily by strong feelings. When boys get overwhelmed, they’re more likely to shut down or act like they don’t care than, say, get into a screaming fight with parents.
If a boy is going to let his feelings out, he may express anger. At times it can seem easier or more acceptable to a teen boy to be angry than to admit feeling sad or scared. Adults have to dig a bit to find out what the anger is really about.
We sometimes hear from families that their teen boy “never comes out of his room”, or is so involved outside the house that it’s hard to know what is going on with him. Like girls, when boys become teens their friends and outside interests become incredibly important. It can be frustrating when a teen mentions that he “had a really good talk with Coach” about something, even though it seems he never talks at home any more. It’s important for teens to feel that they aren’t as dependent on parents and family as they used to be. Boys often try to do this by keeping difficult feelings quiet, or sharing with other people.
Here are some tips to help your teen boy open up a little about what’s going on:
Keep it low-key
Many boys are less comfortable with “intense” conversations than girls are. Talking face-to-face can feel too personal or confrontational, and this can make a boy clam up pretty quickly. Try doing an activity together that lets you talk side-by-side (driving, working on something together) so that you aren’t facing each other but can still talk easily.
Do something active
Boys often process thoughts and feelings more easily if they can move while they talk. Some boys who have a hard time concentrating in school find it helps to pace while reading, for example, or squeeze a stress ball during class. In the same way, it can help to give a teen boy something physical to do while talking. Shooting baskets, raking leaves, even doing the dishes together can help words flow.
Keep it short
Boys often don’t have the energy for long, drawn-out emotional scenes. One of the benefits of talking in the car is that, unless you’re on a long car trip, your teen boy knows the conversation won’t last too long. Just knowing this might help him feel comfortable enough to open up.
Pick your battles
Let your teen know that you understand his need for privacy about some things, but that you will keep asking about important stuff. “It’s OK for you not to tell me everything about your friends, but you always have to tell me where you’re going and when you’ll be home”.
Be creative
Sometimes, any conversation can feel uncomfortable and threatening to teens. Leaving notes, writing letters, or even recording messages between you can help open lines of communication. Let your teen know that you think anything he has to share is important. And as always, really listen when your teen does decide to talk.
Don’t give up
Most of all, keep trying! Even if he sometimes acts like he’s allergic to you, your teen desperately wants to know that you are there to listen and help when he needs you.
Remember, teens may not always be ready to talk, but they always need someone who is ready to listen.
Teen Girls
Going from parenting a child to parenting a teen can be pretty abrupt sometimes. It can seem that overnight, your child has been replaced by a completely different, hard-to-get-along-with person. Everyone is different, and not every girl or boy fits a mold, but there are some things we’ve learned about teens in general and girls in particular:
Girls can get very emotional, very fast
Boys get very emotional too. It’s part of being a teenager. Some of this is because hormones can “raise the volume” on emotional responses; some of it is because the parts of the brain that control executive functioning (cool reasoning, slowing down impulsive responses) are still just developing in teens. Boys tend to bottle those feeling up, or express them physically, or with peers. Many girls are comfortable with sharing feelings in general, and get very expressive during an argument, sometimes in dramatic ways. This can mean yelling, crying and fierce arguing, very quickly turning a discussion into a screaming match.
What is with these reactions?
A couple of things are key to remember. When feelings seem way out of proportion to the problem, your teen may be pushing hard to get the outcome she wants. Or, it could be a situation that seems really important because of where the teen is standing. You know that friends worth having won’t judge your teen on her popularity, for example. She doesn’t really believe that yet, so the issue of having the same curfew as her friends is much more life-or-death to her. Also, your teen may be dealing with the stress of coping in a new, scary world. She may feel safest unloading that frustration in a place that will always like and accept her-home.
Tip: Reflect back the feeling you heard without agreeing or disagreeing with it. “I hear you’re really angry about your curfew, and you’re worried your friends won’t want to hang out with you”. “Yeah, I am”
Anthony Wolf, PhD, who writes about teens and parents, suggests that teen girls sometimes use these emotional scenes to handle their mixed feelings about separating from parents. Teens still want to be taken care of by their parents, just like when they were little. But these feelings are opposite from being independent, so wanting closeness becomes scary and upsetting. The screaming and yelling may be a way for a teen to feel connected, but at the same time convince herself that she’s separate from her parents.
So what can parents do with all this? We have some suggestions:
Reflect neutrally
During a conflict, most of us want to feel that someone is listening to us and trying to understand, even if they don’t agree with us. When your teens’ emotions get too big and overwhelming, hearing a parent “reflect” the feelings back (“You’re really angry”) reassures your teen that you’re still listening and that you’re not judging her feelings or her right to have them. This takes you out of the argument and puts your teen in charge of her own feelings. Don’t worry about sounding dorky; it still helps.
Tip: Be supportive without taking on the problem. “My friends will think I’m a dork, and I’ll never have friends at this stupid school, and it’ll be all your fault!” “I hope you find a way to work it out. I believe in you.”
Don’t take on the blame
Sometimes a teen may try to shift blame on to the parent for setting a limit. Parents should listen to requests to change a rule, and compromise when a teen’s reasons make sense. If you’ve listened and you still feel your limit is reasonable, stick to it. You can do this without taking the blame for all the things your teen is worried will happen.
Get curious
When your teen’s response seems way out-of-proportion to the problem, get curious about what else is going on. With a little encouragement, your teen may be able to tell you what else is bothering her and take the steam out of the argument. Even if she doesn’t tell you, at least she’s heard that you are trying to understand.
Tip: After you reflect the feelings you hear, ask calmly what else might be going on. “I hear you’re angry about curfew, but you also seem stressed out. I wonder if other things are bothering you too.”
Set limits on language, but don’t take it personally
Teens will sometimes stoop to pretty low stuff in an argument, especially when they feel powerless or frustrated. Girls are often good at reading other peoples’ feelings. This quality, which made for a very sweet and thoughtful pre-teen, can make for a teenager who is good at saying just the thing to hurt your feelings.
Tip: Don’t take the bait. When you can be calm, remind your teen that it is not OK to be mean or use foul language. Make sure you follow those rules too.
Afterwards, a parent may feel devastated while their teen thinks, “What’s the big deal? I just got angry”. If your teen starts throwing emotional grenades (“No one can live with you, that’s why Mom left”), you must not react to them. Chances are, your teen doesn’t actually think anything like that, but is feeling out of control or wants to get you to respond. Reacting takes the conversation off track, usually to a worse place. DO NOT get pulled into a discussion about the divorce, or your parenting, etc.
Take a break
When an argument seems like it’s going to get out of control, emotionally or physically, take a break! Leave the room and calm down. If your teen is really hooked into the argument, you may need to get away for a while to stop your teen from following you and continuing to escalate. Leave the house if you have to. Explain that you’ll come back and finish the conversation when you’re both calmer, and then make sure that you do.
Tip: Take a break before an argument gets out of hand. It’s important that everyone stays safe. If your teen threatens to hurt herself or someone else, you or your teen can call Huck House, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, at 294-5553. If an argument turns violent, call 911 or the local police.
Remember, when you show your teen girl that her feelings won’t overwhelm you, you help her practice not letting them overwhelm her, either.
Teen Girls
Going from parenting a child to parenting a teen can be pretty abrupt sometimes. It can seem that overnight, your child has been replaced by a completely different, hard-to-get-along-with person. Everyone is different, and not every girl or boy fits a mold, but there are some things we’ve learned about teens in general and girls in particular:
Girls can get very emotional, very fast
Boys get very emotional too. It’s part of being a teenager. Some of this is because hormones can “raise the volume” on emotional responses; some of it is because the parts of the brain that control executive functioning (cool reasoning, slowing down impulsive responses) are still just developing in teens. Boys tend to bottle those feeling up, or express them physically, or with peers. Many girls are comfortable with sharing feelings in general, and get very expressive during an argument, sometimes in dramatic ways. This can mean yelling, crying and fierce arguing, very quickly turning a discussion into a screaming match.
What is with these reactions?
A couple of things are key to remember. When feelings seem way out of proportion to the problem, your teen may be pushing hard to get the outcome she wants. Or, it could be a situation that seems really important because of where the teen is standing. You know that friends worth having won’t judge your teen on her popularity, for example. She doesn’t really believe that yet, so the issue of having the same curfew as her friends is much more life-or-death to her. Also, your teen may be dealing with the stress of coping in a new, scary world. She may feel safest unloading that frustration in a place that will always like and accept her-home.
Tip: Reflect back the feeling you heard without agreeing or disagreeing with it. “I hear you’re really angry about your curfew, and you’re worried your friends won’t want to hang out with you”. “Yeah, I am”
Anthony Wolf, PhD, who writes about teens and parents, suggests that teen girls sometimes use these emotional scenes to handle their mixed feelings about separating from parents. Teens still want to be taken care of by their parents, just like when they were little. But these feelings are opposite from being independent, so wanting closeness becomes scary and upsetting. The screaming and yelling may be a way for a teen to feel connected, but at the same time convince herself that she’s separate from her parents.
So what can parents do with all this? We have some suggestions:
Reflect neutrally
During a conflict, most of us want to feel that someone is listening to us and trying to understand, even if they don’t agree with us. When your teens’ emotions get too big and overwhelming, hearing a parent “reflect” the feelings back (“You’re really angry”) reassures your teen that you’re still listening and that you’re not judging her feelings or her right to have them. This takes you out of the argument and puts your teen in charge of her own feelings. Don’t worry about sounding dorky; it still helps.
Tip: Be supportive without taking on the problem. “My friends will think I’m a dork, and I’ll never have friends at this stupid school, and it’ll be all your fault!” “I hope you find a way to work it out. I believe in you.”
Don’t take on the blame
Sometimes a teen may try to shift blame on to the parent for setting a limit. Parents should listen to requests to change a rule, and compromise when a teen’s reasons make sense. If you’ve listened and you still feel your limit is reasonable, stick to it. You can do this without taking the blame for all the things your teen is worried will happen.
Get curious
When your teen’s response seems way out-of-proportion to the problem, get curious about what else is going on. With a little encouragement, your teen may be able to tell you what else is bothering her and take the steam out of the argument. Even if she doesn’t tell you, at least she’s heard that you are trying to understand.
Tip: After you reflect the feelings you hear, ask calmly what else might be going on. “I hear you’re angry about curfew, but you also seem stressed out. I wonder if other things are bothering you too.”
Set limits on language, but don’t take it personally
Teens will sometimes stoop to pretty low stuff in an argument, especially when they feel powerless or frustrated. Girls are often good at reading other peoples’ feelings. This quality, which made for a very sweet and thoughtful pre-teen, can make for a teenager who is good at saying just the thing to hurt your feelings.
Tip: Don’t take the bait. When you can be calm, remind your teen that it is not OK to be mean or use foul language. Make sure you follow those rules too.
Afterwards, a parent may feel devastated while their teen thinks, “What’s the big deal? I just got angry”. If your teen starts throwing emotional grenades (“No one can live with you, that’s why Mom left”), you must not react to them. Chances are, your teen doesn’t actually think anything like that, but is feeling out of control or wants to get you to respond. Reacting takes the conversation off track, usually to a worse place. DO NOT get pulled into a discussion about the divorce, or your parenting, etc.
Take a break
When an argument seems like it’s going to get out of control, emotionally or physically, take a break! Leave the room and calm down. If your teen is really hooked into the argument, you may need to get away for a while to stop your teen from following you and continuing to escalate. Leave the house if you have to. Explain that you’ll come back and finish the conversation when you’re both calmer, and then make sure that you do.
Tip: Take a break before an argument gets out of hand. It’s important that everyone stays safe. If your teen threatens to hurt herself or someone else, you or your teen can call Huck House, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, at 294-5553. If an argument turns violent, call 911 or the local police.
Remember, when you show your teen girl that her feelings won’t overwhelm you, you help her practice not letting them overwhelm her, either.
Teens and Grieving
Teens and Grieving
Like all of us, teens sometimes experience the deaths of loved ones. Sadly, suicide, risky behaviors and teen violence leave adolescents especially vulnerable to losing friends and acquaintances to death. Parents and caregivers often wonder how to help teens grieve and heal from this kind of loss.
Thinking About and Understanding Death
Unlike younger children, teens usually grasp the finality of death. Adolescence is a time when teens are figuring out what they think about life, spirituality, and their purpose in the world. Thinking about death, sometimes to the point of “dwelling” on it, is a common way that teens work out their views about these big questions. Themes of death in music, artwork, poetry, books, and clothes may be a sign that your teen is wrestling with these issues or is trying to fit into a social group. However, exaggerated interest in death can also be an indication of depression. Talk with your teen if he or she seems overly drawn to these things, but find out more before you react.
Grieving
Grief is a natural process that happens on its own timeline. People who are grieving often experience shock or numbness, intense sadness, anger and/or fatigue. These feelings can happen at different times for different people, and not everyone experiences all of them. Above all, grief is a highly personal reaction to a universal experience. People in the most intense stages of grieving after a death need love, patience and support. They also need permission to feel whatever they feel. Teens should be encouraged, but not pushed, to participate in all the adult rituals surrounding a death, including attending viewings and visiting hours, funerals or memorials, sitting Shivah or other religious or family traditions. The first days and weeks after a death can be exhausting for everyone involved, so teens and caregivers should be particularly careful to allow for time to stop and rest. Caregivers may need a break from the job of caring for their teen! It’s OK to ask for help and extra support.
When someone dies, a teen may react in lots of different ways. Like other life events, death may provoke very strong feeling in teens: confusion, anger or intense sadness. These feelings can swing very quickly and leave teens and adults feeling tired and confused. Teens who do not want to display their feelings may choose to isolate themselves from adults, finding comfort from peers. Other teens may become clinging and more childlike for a while. Some teens try to just keep everything “normal” and go about their lives as if nothing has happened. Any of these response are understandable and OK.
Teens also wrestle with the question “Who am I?” after someone has died. Figuring out his or her role in a family, with friends, and in the world is always a big part of adolescence. A teen’s identity, especially in relation to the person who has died, gets called into question after a death. “Am I still my Dad’s daughter if he’s not around anymore?” “Will I be disloyal to my dead friend if I make new friends?” are the kind of things teens work to understand about their changed world after a death.
Behaviors and Signs of Grief
Grieving teens may not talk about their feelings, but they might do lots of crying, withdraw, or throw themselves into lots of activity. Teens may act out with defiance, irritability, poor grades or fights, risk-taking or experimentation with drugs and alcohol.
It’s important to talk about these behaviors, and remind your teen that, while he or she always has your love and support, the same rules about negative behavior still apply. You can be understanding and still set appropriate limits. Teens may complain, but they often secretly crave the reassurance that some things haven’t changed and someone (you) is still in charge. As we mentioned above, if troubling feelings or behavior persist a long time or seem to take over your teen’s life, talk it over and consider checking in with a professional.
Re-Grieving
When someone a child loves dies, that child copes with the event in age-specific ways. He or she may have a very limited understanding of what has happened. As the child matures, that event will be re-processed with new, more mature understanding. That’s why a teen will sometimes re-grieve a loss that happened much earlier. If a teen becomes sad or angry about a death that occurred years ago, he or she needs the same love and support that they might need for a death that occurred yesterday.
Grief and Trauma
Sometimes a loss can be made more complicated, if the teen has also experienced trauma related to the death. Seeing someone die unexpectedly, losing someone to violence or suicide, or feeling somehow responsible for the death can lead to post-trauma stress reactions. These reactions can cause a lot of distress for your teen, and slow the grieving and healing process. Some symptoms of traumatic stress include nightmares, flashbacks, irritability and severe mood swings, long periods of feeling “numbed out” or detached from reality, intense feelings of guilt, fear or anxiety. If you feel you teen may be dealing with the aftereffects of trauma, contact a mental health professional right away for an assessment and treatment.
Ways to Support Your Grieving Teen
Like adults, teens need to be reassured that there is no “right” way to grieve and that any feelings are OK, including feeling angry at the person who died, or not always feeling sad. Adults need to share the fact that they, too, are working hard to figure out how to deal with the death and sometimes feel overwhelmed or confused. Teens should not be pressured to talk, but should be reminded that they can talk whenever they need to. Above all, they need to be reassured that they are loved, and that someone will always be there to support and help care for them.
Grief can make people feel very alone. Make sure your teen knows that love and support is available.
Teens and Grieving
Teens and Grieving
Like all of us, teens sometimes experience the deaths of loved ones. Sadly, suicide, risky behaviors and teen violence leave adolescents especially vulnerable to losing friends and acquaintances to death. Parents and caregivers often wonder how to help teens grieve and heal from this kind of loss.
Thinking About and Understanding Death
Unlike younger children, teens usually grasp the finality of death. Adolescence is a time when teens are figuring out what they think about life, spirituality, and their purpose in the world. Thinking about death, sometimes to the point of “dwelling” on it, is a common way that teens work out their views about these big questions. Themes of death in music, artwork, poetry, books, and clothes may be a sign that your teen is wrestling with these issues or is trying to fit into a social group. However, exaggerated interest in death can also be an indication of depression. Talk with your teen if he or she seems overly drawn to these things, but find out more before you react.
Grieving
Grief is a natural process that happens on its own timeline. People who are grieving often experience shock or numbness, intense sadness, anger and/or fatigue. These feelings can happen at different times for different people, and not everyone experiences all of them. Above all, grief is a highly personal reaction to a universal experience. People in the most intense stages of grieving after a death need love, patience and support. They also need permission to feel whatever they feel. Teens should be encouraged, but not pushed, to participate in all the adult rituals surrounding a death, including attending viewings and visiting hours, funerals or memorials, sitting Shivah or other religious or family traditions. The first days and weeks after a death can be exhausting for everyone involved, so teens and caregivers should be particularly careful to allow for time to stop and rest. Caregivers may need a break from the job of caring for their teen! It’s OK to ask for help and extra support.
When someone dies, a teen may react in lots of different ways. Like other life events, death may provoke very strong feeling in teens: confusion, anger or intense sadness. These feelings can swing very quickly and leave teens and adults feeling tired and confused. Teens who do not want to display their feelings may choose to isolate themselves from adults, finding comfort from peers. Other teens may become clinging and more childlike for a while. Some teens try to just keep everything “normal” and go about their lives as if nothing has happened. Any of these response are understandable and OK.
Teens also wrestle with the question “Who am I?” after someone has died. Figuring out his or her role in a family, with friends, and in the world is always a big part of adolescence. A teen’s identity, especially in relation to the person who has died, gets called into question after a death. “Am I still my Dad’s daughter if he’s not around anymore?” “Will I be disloyal to my dead friend if I make new friends?” are the kind of things teens work to understand about their changed world after a death.
Behaviors and Signs of Grief
Grieving teens may not talk about their feelings, but they might do lots of crying, withdraw, or throw themselves into lots of activity. Teens may act out with defiance, irritability, poor grades or fights, risk-taking or experimentation with drugs and alcohol.
It’s important to talk about these behaviors, and remind your teen that, while he or she always has your love and support, the same rules about negative behavior still apply. You can be understanding and still set appropriate limits. Teens may complain, but they often secretly crave the reassurance that some things haven’t changed and someone (you) is still in charge. As we mentioned above, if troubling feelings or behavior persist a long time or seem to take over your teen’s life, talk it over and consider checking in with a professional.
Re-Grieving
When someone a child loves dies, that child copes with the event in age-specific ways. He or she may have a very limited understanding of what has happened. As the child matures, that event will be re-processed with new, more mature understanding. That’s why a teen will sometimes re-grieve a loss that happened much earlier. If a teen becomes sad or angry about a death that occurred years ago, he or she needs the same love and support that they might need for a death that occurred yesterday.
Grief and Trauma
Sometimes a loss can be made more complicated, if the teen has also experienced trauma related to the death. Seeing someone die unexpectedly, losing someone to violence or suicide, or feeling somehow responsible for the death can lead to post-trauma stress reactions. These reactions can cause a lot of distress for your teen, and slow the grieving and healing process. Some symptoms of traumatic stress include nightmares, flashbacks, irritability and severe mood swings, long periods of feeling “numbed out” or detached from reality, intense feelings of guilt, fear or anxiety. If you feel you teen may be dealing with the aftereffects of trauma, contact a mental health professional right away for an assessment and treatment.
Ways to Support Your Grieving Teen
Like adults, teens need to be reassured that there is no “right” way to grieve and that any feelings are OK, including feeling angry at the person who died, or not always feeling sad. Adults need to share the fact that they, too, are working hard to figure out how to deal with the death and sometimes feel overwhelmed or confused. Teens should not be pressured to talk, but should be reminded that they can talk whenever they need to. Above all, they need to be reassured that they are loved, and that someone will always be there to support and help care for them.
Grief can make people feel very alone. Make sure your teen knows that love and support is available.
Why Kids Run
Why Kids Run
Why do some young people run away? Many teens have probably thought at some moment or another about running, but only a statistical few actually do. What makes the difference, and what would cause a teen leave the relative safety of home to go out into the unknown?
We have talked with teens and their parents about this issue since 1970, and over the years we have heard many different responses to these questions. Some teens run to avoid a consequence, or to engage in forbidden behavior away from the strictures of home. Some leave to escape a stressful situation or to bring attention to a family problem that has gone unaddressed. Sometimes teens run simply because they don’t know what else to do. In this article we explore some of the factors in teens running away, as well as some insight from teens themselves in our shelter.
Teen Brains
Running away from home is a youthful behavior. One reason is that teens think and act differently than adults. The teenager’s brain has not stopped growing and changing. The part of the brain that makes decisions, thinks about the future and understands consequences hasn’t fully developed yet. That’s why teens see only the short-term future. They do not have many tools to deal with problems, and they have trouble applying what they have been told, or the experiences of their friends, to their own situation. When their tools run out, some teens act impulsively. That can lead to running.
Teen Emotions
Teens’ emotions are intense. In times of crisis, teens can be easily overwhelmed because they have not lived through enough situations to know their feelings will pass. They think their problems will last forever, partly because they don’t yet know that everything changes sooner or later. Some teens also have a hard time separating their feelings from reality. They think, “If I feel it, it must be true” and then act on those emotions.
Teen Lives
Teens face pretty scary situations. Some of these include pressure to have sex, to use alcohol or drugs, and a strong need to meet the expectations of their friends. Every generation has had to deal with these things, but teens today face these problems earlier than their parents did. For some teens, the threats of gangs or crime where they live is very real. Even life at home can be scary. If a teen’s home is violent, unpredictable, chaotic or filled with sexual or physical threats, the best choice might seem to be to get out first and think things through later.
Teen Silence
It can be so very hard for some teens to explain what is going on with them. Sometimes, it is hard for parents to hear their teen in the middle of busy lives, or in the struggle to manage their own situations. Teens may feel that what they have to say is too upsetting, too scary for parents to hear. Sometimes families have become so used to yelling and constant conflict that it is hard to hear anything else. At these times, the action of running away may speak louder than any words that teen could find. Running might also be a way to alert teachers, school staff or other adults outside the home that there is a family problem.
What Teens Have To Say
We talked with some of the young people staying in the crisis program and asked them why teens run from home. One young man, who is seventeen but looks older, shared some of his story, and what he thinks other teens feel.
“It’s too much [being at home], you don’t know what you’re going to do, you can’t trust nobody. You know why you’re leaving, but when you get out then you don’t know what to do. It feels good at first, you have plans who you’re going to stay with, then you get out and it starts to not work out and you end up just…out there.”
A thin young woman braided her hair and listened to the conversation. She agreed that running can seem like a good idea at first.
“You finally get to control something in your life,” she said.
The young man continued. “When I was downtown, I didn’t know where I was and I almost got put in a car.” The other youths listened to this but did not react much. The idea of being “put in a car” while on the run did not seem to surprise them.
“Do teens know the downside of running, what can happen to them?” we asked.
“Teens ‘get it’, the danger, but maybe they don’t get the full gist of it from the people they talk to, or they don’t think anything bad will happen to them,” said the girl. “One girl [I know] lied to her mom [about her plans] and got into an escort service.”
“It [running] can seem like a good idea, but sometimes it really isn’t”, she concluded.
Why Kids Run
Why Kids Run
Why do some young people run away? Many teens have probably thought at some moment or another about running, but only a statistical few actually do. What makes the difference, and what would cause a teen leave the relative safety of home to go out into the unknown?
We have talked with teens and their parents about this issue since 1970, and over the years we have heard many different responses to these questions. Some teens run to avoid a consequence, or to engage in forbidden behavior away from the strictures of home. Some leave to escape a stressful situation or to bring attention to a family problem that has gone unaddressed. Sometimes teens run simply because they don’t know what else to do. In this article we explore some of the factors in teens running away, as well as some insight from teens themselves in our shelter.
Teen Brains
Running away from home is a youthful behavior. One reason is that teens think and act differently than adults. The teenager’s brain has not stopped growing and changing. The part of the brain that makes decisions, thinks about the future and understands consequences hasn’t fully developed yet. That’s why teens see only the short-term future. They do not have many tools to deal with problems, and they have trouble applying what they have been told, or the experiences of their friends, to their own situation. When their tools run out, some teens act impulsively. That can lead to running.
Teen Emotions
Teens’ emotions are intense. In times of crisis, teens can be easily overwhelmed because they have not lived through enough situations to know their feelings will pass. They think their problems will last forever, partly because they don’t yet know that everything changes sooner or later. Some teens also have a hard time separating their feelings from reality. They think, “If I feel it, it must be true” and then act on those emotions.
Teen Lives
Teens face pretty scary situations. Some of these include pressure to have sex, to use alcohol or drugs, and a strong need to meet the expectations of their friends. Every generation has had to deal with these things, but teens today face these problems earlier than their parents did. For some teens, the threats of gangs or crime where they live is very real. Even life at home can be scary. If a teen’s home is violent, unpredictable, chaotic or filled with sexual or physical threats, the best choice might seem to be to get out first and think things through later.
Teen Silence
It can be so very hard for some teens to explain what is going on with them. Sometimes, it is hard for parents to hear their teen in the middle of busy lives, or in the struggle to manage their own situations. Teens may feel that what they have to say is too upsetting, too scary for parents to hear. Sometimes families have become so used to yelling and constant conflict that it is hard to hear anything else. At these times, the action of running away may speak louder than any words that teen could find. Running might also be a way to alert teachers, school staff or other adults outside the home that there is a family problem.
What Teens Have To Say
We talked with some of the young people staying in the crisis program and asked them why teens run from home. One young man, who is seventeen but looks older, shared some of his story, and what he thinks other teens feel.
“It’s too much [being at home], you don’t know what you’re going to do, you can’t trust nobody. You know why you’re leaving, but when you get out then you don’t know what to do. It feels good at first, you have plans who you’re going to stay with, then you get out and it starts to not work out and you end up just…out there.”
A thin young woman braided her hair and listened to the conversation. She agreed that running can seem like a good idea at first.
“You finally get to control something in your life,” she said.
The young man continued. “When I was downtown, I didn’t know where I was and I almost got put in a car.” The other youths listened to this but did not react much. The idea of being “put in a car” while on the run did not seem to surprise them.
“Do teens know the downside of running, what can happen to them?” we asked.
“Teens ‘get it’, the danger, but maybe they don’t get the full gist of it from the people they talk to, or they don’t think anything bad will happen to them,” said the girl. “One girl [I know] lied to her mom [about her plans] and got into an escort service.”
“It [running] can seem like a good idea, but sometimes it really isn’t”, she concluded.
Discipline
Teenagers and Discipline Part 1: Setting Limits
Over the years we’ve found that parents and teens clash about rules and discipline more than any other issue. To get a handle on this, we think it’s helpful to look at how teens develop. Some people have compared teenagers to toddlers. Toddlers are finding out the limits of their space and their power. They’re getting ready to become children instead of babies, with bodies they now have much more control over than before. A teenager is in a similar position, going from being a child to an adult. Their bodies are much bigger and stronger than before. They’re more mentally and emotionally mature, so they can handle more complicated situations than they could before. If they can drive or take public transportation, they are now much more in charge of where they are, just like a toddler learning to walk.
Some of the questions teens need to figure out are basically the same issues of independence and control-it’s just that the stakes are a lot higher. If I can go to a supervised party, can I go to an unsupervised one? Can my parents still make me do stuff if I’m bigger than they are?
Rules should allow teens to try out their new skills but keep them safe
The rules for a teenager need to let them explore, without giving them more room than they can handle, just like a toddler crawling up the stairs. Parents need to say that some stairs are safe to explore on your own, but some are not.
Teens, even though they would usually pick death by torture rather than admit this, often feel really unsure about what they’re ready to handle. Teens still look at their parents or the caring adults around them to see if they can, in fact, handle things; if they should be worried or not. Teens also need to feel that someone is watching and paying attention, ready to say “Hey! Not those stairs, not yet.” Sometimes teens will behave badly, taking more and more risks, to try to get some adult to do just that.
New freedoms should mean new responsibility
Teens need to know that doing more things with friends means letting adults know where you are. Getting to put up your own things in your room means keeping it reasonably clean (no health inspectors!). Getting a job means taking responsibility for getting yourself there and back, or letting adults know in advance what transportation help is needed. As teens get older, they usually get better at putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. They should be able to understand, for example, that someone will worry if they are not home on time. They’ll probably still need reminders, though!
New responsibilities should mean new freedom
When teens show parents that they can handle a new level of responsibility, more freedom should follow. “Since you called me every day this month when you got home from school, I feel better about letting you go to a friend’s house instead of coming straight home.” When anyone learns a new skill, there are slip-ups at first. Parents should talk with their teen about expecting mistakes. “If you forget to call me, I will worry. I will call all your friends to figure out where you are. Then we’ll need to talk about helping you remember better.” Talking about this ahead of time will cut down on the teen feeling she failed, or the parent feeling she made a mistake in giving the teen a new privilege.
However, lots of mistakes may mean the teen isn’t really ready for the new freedom.
Teens need to understand that if they consistently stop showing this new level of responsibility, the new freedom will be taken back until they are ready to try again.
Out and About
Until teens are ready for adult independence, parents or guardians need to know where teens are, what they’re doing, with whom, how to reach them, and when to expect them back. If they can’t give this basic information, they shouldn’t be allowed to go. Asking these questions, meeting friends, friends’ parents and checking up means more work for the parent in the short-term, but a more responsible-and safer-teen in the long run.
Rules At Home
Being an adolescent often means feeling two ways about growing up. Teens love to remind adults that they are not babies anymore-until it comes to household responsibilities! Then many teens wish (who wouldn’t?) that the grown-ups around them will keep on doing all or most of the cooking, cleaning, pet care, etc. like when the teen was little. This does not mean they’re lazy, just that they’re human. It’s OK for parents to allow a little babying after a particularly rough time, but not to routinely give into it. Teens need to get the message that they are expected to contribute and help out at home. Parents need to remind teens that freedom and responsibility go together.
Rules Should be Consistent
Teens need to know what you expect of them, and it helps if they don’t have to guess. No one is totally consistent all the time, but teens should have a basic, day-to-day understanding of what you want them to do and not to do. Discussing rules, leaving notes around the house or a message on a cell phone can remind your teen of what you expect without feeling quite so much like nagging. You might have to do some nagging too! Remember to talk about family rules. Listening and sometimes compromising about a rule can make a big difference in how your teen feels about following it.
Teens really need to know that you appreciate their efforts. Let them know when they’ve made a good decision, won your trust or done something right. It matters!
Teenagers and Discipline Part 1: Setting Limits
Over the years we’ve found that parents and teens clash about rules and discipline more than any other issue. To get a handle on this, we think it’s helpful to look at how teens develop. Some people have compared teenagers to toddlers. Toddlers are finding out the limits of their space and their power. They’re getting ready to become children instead of babies, with bodies they now have much more control over than before. A teenager is in a similar position, going from being a child to an adult. Their bodies are much bigger and stronger than before. They’re more mentally and emotionally mature, so they can handle more complicated situations than they could before. If they can drive or take public transportation, they are now much more in charge of where they are, just like a toddler learning to walk.
Some of the questions teens need to figure out are basically the same issues of independence and control-it’s just that the stakes are a lot higher. If I can go to a supervised party, can I go to an unsupervised one? Can my parents still make me do stuff if I’m bigger than they are?
Rules should allow teens to try out their new skills but keep them safe
The rules for a teenager need to let them explore, without giving them more room than they can handle, just like a toddler crawling up the stairs. Parents need to say that some stairs are safe to explore on your own, but some are not.
Teens, even though they would usually pick death by torture rather than admit this, often feel really unsure about what they’re ready to handle. Teens still look at their parents or the caring adults around them to see if they can, in fact, handle things; if they should be worried or not. Teens also need to feel that someone is watching and paying attention, ready to say “Hey! Not those stairs, not yet.” Sometimes teens will behave badly, taking more and more risks, to try to get some adult to do just that.
New freedoms should mean new responsibility
Teens need to know that doing more things with friends means letting adults know where you are. Getting to put up your own things in your room means keeping it reasonably clean (no health inspectors!). Getting a job means taking responsibility for getting yourself there and back, or letting adults know in advance what transportation help is needed. As teens get older, they usually get better at putting themselves in someone else’s shoes. They should be able to understand, for example, that someone will worry if they are not home on time. They’ll probably still need reminders, though!
New responsibilities should mean new freedom
When teens show parents that they can handle a new level of responsibility, more freedom should follow. “Since you called me every day this month when you got home from school, I feel better about letting you go to a friend’s house instead of coming straight home.” When anyone learns a new skill, there are slip-ups at first. Parents should talk with their teen about expecting mistakes. “If you forget to call me, I will worry. I will call all your friends to figure out where you are. Then we’ll need to talk about helping you remember better.” Talking about this ahead of time will cut down on the teen feeling she failed, or the parent feeling she made a mistake in giving the teen a new privilege.
However, lots of mistakes may mean the teen isn’t really ready for the new freedom.
Teens need to understand that if they consistently stop showing this new level of responsibility, the new freedom will be taken back until they are ready to try again.
Out and About
Until teens are ready for adult independence, parents or guardians need to know where teens are, what they’re doing, with whom, how to reach them, and when to expect them back. If they can’t give this basic information, they shouldn’t be allowed to go. Asking these questions, meeting friends, friends’ parents and checking up means more work for the parent in the short-term, but a more responsible-and safer-teen in the long run.
Rules At Home
Being an adolescent often means feeling two ways about growing up. Teens love to remind adults that they are not babies anymore-until it comes to household responsibilities! Then many teens wish (who wouldn’t?) that the grown-ups around them will keep on doing all or most of the cooking, cleaning, pet care, etc. like when the teen was little. This does not mean they’re lazy, just that they’re human. It’s OK for parents to allow a little babying after a particularly rough time, but not to routinely give into it. Teens need to get the message that they are expected to contribute and help out at home. Parents need to remind teens that freedom and responsibility go together.
Rules Should be Consistent
Teens need to know what you expect of them, and it helps if they don’t have to guess. No one is totally consistent all the time, but teens should have a basic, day-to-day understanding of what you want them to do and not to do. Discussing rules, leaving notes around the house or a message on a cell phone can remind your teen of what you expect without feeling quite so much like nagging. You might have to do some nagging too! Remember to talk about family rules. Listening and sometimes compromising about a rule can make a big difference in how your teen feels about following it.
Teens really need to know that you appreciate their efforts. Let them know when they’ve made a good decision, won your trust or done something right. It matters!
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Limits
Explain the limits and rules in your home ahead of time. Limits should be fair and consistent, and as much as possible have natural consequences. Natural consequences are the ones that happen with little or no involvement from you. If your teen needs to keep up her grades to stay on a sports team, for example, then bad grades will naturally end up in a consequence-getting cut from the team. You don’t have to say a word. This experience teaches your teen a powerful lesson. It also tells her that you trust her ability to learn it without a lecture from you.
Your child should know the rules for everyday behavior and expectations, and these rules should mostly stay the same from day to day. “I expect you to do your homework after school before you get on the computer” is a lot clearer than “Be responsible”. If you act like you don’t care about their homework on one day and then yell about it the next, your child will feel confused, anxious and angry. Plus, you’re not likely to get the result you want.
It’s important to have realistic expectations of teens. Predicting the consequences of their actions, allowing enough time to get everything done, putting chores before play and ignoring the temptations of their peers are all things that teens find very hard to do. New research shows that teens’ brains are actually different from adult brains. The parts of the brain that let adults make thoughtful decisions, or put work before excitement, haven’t fully grown yet in teens. Structure, frequent reminders and help making decisions are realistic ways to look at teaching your teen to make responsible decisions.
Lying
Lying is often a huge source of conflict with parents and teens. Many teens lie to avoid work (“Sure I did my chores!”), avoid punishment (“The report cards haven’t come out yet, I guess”) and gain pleasure (“No, there won’t be boys or alcohol at the party”). This behavior is common, and that means that parents shouldn’t get too angry or worry that their teen will grow up to be a bad person because of occasional lying. However, this doesn’t mean that parents should put up with it, either! Let your teen know that you expect him or her to tell you the truth, and if caught in a lie they will be punished for the lie as much as the act itself. If you do catch a lie, make it clear that this is unacceptable. But remember that even with these consequences, your teen may still try to lie at times. Constant lying, to the point that you don’t feel you can trust that your teen is safe, is a problem that you should get counseling to help.
Anthony Wolf, a psychologist who writes frequently for the parents of teens, suggests that parents talk with their teen about punishment-free situations. For example, parents may want to ask teens to call home if they have been drinking and need a ride home. The parent agrees to pick up the teen, anytime, with no questions asked and no lectures. These “bargains” should be made for situations in which the possibility of harm (i.e., drunk driving) is too great to risk the teen lying to avoid punishment.
Dr. Wolf points out that parents often assume their rules aren’t effective if the teen doesn’t follow them completely; for example, when a teen come in at 12:00 instead of 11:00. Dr. Wolf argues that the rule actually is working; otherwise, the teen would come in any time! Something is reminding that teen to return, but the need for independence, and not wanting to put responsibility before fun, are keeping him or her from following the rule completely. This is frustrating, but parenting teens is all about staying patient with small issues while working toward the big goal-a safe, independent young adult. Like lying, parents need to remind teens that being late is unacceptable, and give a consequence. Most teens, even though they might say the consequence doesn’t matter, dislike displeasing parents and will feel the “pull” of the rule. Sometimes it takes a lot of confrontation and consequences to make it worth it to the teen to remember to come home, but parents should also be willing to settle for some compromises when a teen is making a genuine effort to improve.
Confrontation
This should happen as soon after the event as possible. Remember, teens don’t always do a great job of linking their behavior (I was late) to an effect (Mom is mad and I’ve lost a privilege), so if you wait too long to address the problem, your teen might be genuinely confused or upset at your behavior coming “out of nowhere”. On the other hand, don’t confront your teen if you are too angry to be responsible for your words or actions. As the adult, you are responsible for keeping a confrontation within the bounds of respect and safety. If you are so angry that insults, swearing or violence might occur, you need to either stop the conversation or postpone the confrontation until later.
When you are calm, explain the rule and how your teen broke it. Listen to any valid explanations, but do not get caught up in excuses or arguments with your child. Teens have lots more energy than adults! Often, teens think that if they can just argue long enough, the parent will back down out of exhaustion. Don’t let this happen. A good rule of thumb is, never explain yourself more than twice. After that, you can safely assume that your child is no longer trying to understand you or to make a new point, but trying to wear you down.
Don’t get caught in the trap: “You can’t prove it!” With reasonable evidence, it’s OK to trust your judgment about what your teen has been doing. “You’re right, I can’t prove that you have been smoking pot. But your appearance, behavior and the situation all make me believe that you have, and without evidence against it, I am going to act as though I am right. If I am wrong, sorry. You are not allowed to smoke pot and, as a result, you are grounded for a month [or whatever].”
Trust your instincts as a parent. Remember, no one knows your teen better than you do!
Sources
Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager Anthony Wolf, PhD. Farrer, Straus, Giroux 1991
“What Makes Teens Tick?” Time Magazine, May 10, 2004 pp. 56-65
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Teenagers and Discipline Part 2: Limits, Lies & Confrontations
Limits
Explain the limits and rules in your home ahead of time. Limits should be fair and consistent, and as much as possible have natural consequences. Natural consequences are the ones that happen with little or no involvement from you. If your teen needs to keep up her grades to stay on a sports team, for example, then bad grades will naturally end up in a consequence-getting cut from the team. You don’t have to say a word. This experience teaches your teen a powerful lesson. It also tells her that you trust her ability to learn it without a lecture from you.
Your child should know the rules for everyday behavior and expectations, and these rules should mostly stay the same from day to day. “I expect you to do your homework after school before you get on the computer” is a lot clearer than “Be responsible”. If you act like you don’t care about their homework on one day and then yell about it the next, your child will feel confused, anxious and angry. Plus, you’re not likely to get the result you want.
It’s important to have realistic expectations of teens. Predicting the consequences of their actions, allowing enough time to get everything done, putting chores before play and ignoring the temptations of their peers are all things that teens find very hard to do. New research shows that teens’ brains are actually different from adult brains. The parts of the brain that let adults make thoughtful decisions, or put work before excitement, haven’t fully grown yet in teens. Structure, frequent reminders and help making decisions are realistic ways to look at teaching your teen to make responsible decisions.
Lying
Lying is often a huge source of conflict with parents and teens. Many teens lie to avoid work (“Sure I did my chores!”), avoid punishment (“The report cards haven’t come out yet, I guess”) and gain pleasure (“No, there won’t be boys or alcohol at the party”). This behavior is common, and that means that parents shouldn’t get too angry or worry that their teen will grow up to be a bad person because of occasional lying. However, this doesn’t mean that parents should put up with it, either! Let your teen know that you expect him or her to tell you the truth, and if caught in a lie they will be punished for the lie as much as the act itself. If you do catch a lie, make it clear that this is unacceptable. But remember that even with these consequences, your teen may still try to lie at times. Constant lying, to the point that you don’t feel you can trust that your teen is safe, is a problem that you should get counseling to help.
Anthony Wolf, a psychologist who writes frequently for the parents of teens, suggests that parents talk with their teen about punishment-free situations. For example, parents may want to ask teens to call home if they have been drinking and need a ride home. The parent agrees to pick up the teen, anytime, with no questions asked and no lectures. These “bargains” should be made for situations in which the possibility of harm (i.e., drunk driving) is too great to risk the teen lying to avoid punishment.
Dr. Wolf points out that parents often assume their rules aren’t effective if the teen doesn’t follow them completely; for example, when a teen come in at 12:00 instead of 11:00. Dr. Wolf argues that the rule actually is working; otherwise, the teen would come in any time! Something is reminding that teen to return, but the need for independence, and not wanting to put responsibility before fun, are keeping him or her from following the rule completely. This is frustrating, but parenting teens is all about staying patient with small issues while working toward the big goal-a safe, independent young adult. Like lying, parents need to remind teens that being late is unacceptable, and give a consequence. Most teens, even though they might say the consequence doesn’t matter, dislike displeasing parents and will feel the “pull” of the rule. Sometimes it takes a lot of confrontation and consequences to make it worth it to the teen to remember to come home, but parents should also be willing to settle for some compromises when a teen is making a genuine effort to improve.
Confrontation
This should happen as soon after the event as possible. Remember, teens don’t always do a great job of linking their behavior (I was late) to an effect (Mom is mad and I’ve lost a privilege), so if you wait too long to address the problem, your teen might be genuinely confused or upset at your behavior coming “out of nowhere”. On the other hand, don’t confront your teen if you are too angry to be responsible for your words or actions. As the adult, you are responsible for keeping a confrontation within the bounds of respect and safety. If you are so angry that insults, swearing or violence might occur, you need to either stop the conversation or postpone the confrontation until later.
When you are calm, explain the rule and how your teen broke it. Listen to any valid explanations, but do not get caught up in excuses or arguments with your child. Teens have lots more energy than adults! Often, teens think that if they can just argue long enough, the parent will back down out of exhaustion. Don’t let this happen. A good rule of thumb is, never explain yourself more than twice. After that, you can safely assume that your child is no longer trying to understand you or to make a new point, but trying to wear you down.
Don’t get caught in the trap: “You can’t prove it!” With reasonable evidence, it’s OK to trust your judgment about what your teen has been doing. “You’re right, I can’t prove that you have been smoking pot. But your appearance, behavior and the situation all make me believe that you have, and without evidence against it, I am going to act as though I am right. If I am wrong, sorry. You are not allowed to smoke pot and, as a result, you are grounded for a month [or whatever].”
Trust your instincts as a parent. Remember, no one knows your teen better than you do!
Sources
Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager Anthony Wolf, PhD. Farrer, Straus, Giroux 1991
“What Makes Teens Tick?” Time Magazine, May 10, 2004 pp. 56-65
Teenagers and Discipline Part 3: Consequences and When to Get Help
Teenagers and Discipline Part 3: Consequences and When to Get Help
Consequences should fit you and your child. It’s true that some consequences just aren’t options anymore when your child becomes a teenager. Still, it’s important that teens know that you care enough to set limits and, on occasion, give consequences for bad behavior.
You still have a lot of control over your child’s environment, so use that. Loss of a TV, music, video game system or special outfits are usually do-able consequences for parents.
If your child is social and always on the go, grounding might be an effective consequence. However, make sure you can follow through on this one. Having a complaining teen stuck at home can become more of a punishment for the parent! Extra chores, written apologies, even fines are penalties you can impose. Try as much as possible to “make the punishment fit the crime”. If the rule that was broken was being out too late with friends, a logical consequence is losing time with friends for a while; scrubbing the garage is not.
Remember that natural consequences, like getting cut from a sports team for bad grades, are really powerful tools. Some natural consequences are too high a price to pay, like getting HIV from unprotected sex. Parents need to step in as much as possible to protect their teen from that kind of consequence. Many natural consequences in a teens life, though, are not as drastic and are good chances for your teen to learn about their behavior on their own.
Make sure you stick to a consequence even if your teen complains. In fact, this reaction tells you that you picked something meaningful! If you see your teen make an effort to take responsibility, make a situation right or change her attitude, it’s OK to compromise or to end a consequence early. Whining, sulking or excessive arguing should never make you change the decision you’ve made.
Anthony Wolf, PhD, points out that the most effective tool parents have is their approval. Let your child know his behavior isn’t up to your expectations. Even though this may seem weak, remember that, for most of us, wanting to please our parents is strong and goes all the way back to babyhood. You are a very important person in your teen’s life, and your approval is important to him, even though he may never admit it. Your teen may complain, ignore you or mutter under his breath, but your disapproval will register and eventually cause so much annoyance (discomfort, guilt) that the behavior will change.
Some problems go beyond a parent’s ability to handle. Look for patterns of behavior in your teen, not just one bad decision. If your teen completely ignores all rules, regularly skips school, is physically intimidating or violent with you, seems sad or depressed for more than a few weeks, talks about suicide, diets excessively, uses drugs or alcohol or gets involved with crime, get help right away. We’ve included some local numbers where you can find help quickly.
Focus on the behavior, not on your teen. Remember, teens need to know their parents will always love them, even if they don’t always love their behavior!
Places to Get Help
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Nationwide Children’s Hospital
700 Children’s Drive
Columbus Ohio
(614) 722-2000
Teenagers and Discipline Part 3: Consequences and When to Get Help
Teenagers and Discipline Part 3: Consequences and When to Get Help
Consequences should fit you and your child. It’s true that some consequences just aren’t options anymore when your child becomes a teenager. Still, it’s important that teens know that you care enough to set limits and, on occasion, give consequences for bad behavior.
You still have a lot of control over your child’s environment, so use that. Loss of a TV, music, video game system or special outfits are usually do-able consequences for parents.
If your child is social and always on the go, grounding might be an effective consequence. However, make sure you can follow through on this one. Having a complaining teen stuck at home can become more of a punishment for the parent! Extra chores, written apologies, even fines are penalties you can impose. Try as much as possible to “make the punishment fit the crime”. If the rule that was broken was being out too late with friends, a logical consequence is losing time with friends for a while; scrubbing the garage is not.
Remember that natural consequences, like getting cut from a sports team for bad grades, are really powerful tools. Some natural consequences are too high a price to pay, like getting HIV from unprotected sex. Parents need to step in as much as possible to protect their teen from that kind of consequence. Many natural consequences in a teens life, though, are not as drastic and are good chances for your teen to learn about their behavior on their own.
Make sure you stick to a consequence even if your teen complains. In fact, this reaction tells you that you picked something meaningful! If you see your teen make an effort to take responsibility, make a situation right or change her attitude, it’s OK to compromise or to end a consequence early. Whining, sulking or excessive arguing should never make you change the decision you’ve made.
Anthony Wolf, PhD, points out that the most effective tool parents have is their approval. Let your child know his behavior isn’t up to your expectations. Even though this may seem weak, remember that, for most of us, wanting to please our parents is strong and goes all the way back to babyhood. You are a very important person in your teen’s life, and your approval is important to him, even though he may never admit it. Your teen may complain, ignore you or mutter under his breath, but your disapproval will register and eventually cause so much annoyance (discomfort, guilt) that the behavior will change.
Some problems go beyond a parent’s ability to handle. Look for patterns of behavior in your teen, not just one bad decision. If your teen completely ignores all rules, regularly skips school, is physically intimidating or violent with you, seems sad or depressed for more than a few weeks, talks about suicide, diets excessively, uses drugs or alcohol or gets involved with crime, get help right away. We’ve included some local numbers where you can find help quickly.
Focus on the behavior, not on your teen. Remember, teens need to know their parents will always love them, even if they don’t always love their behavior!
Places to Get Help
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Nationwide Children’s Hospital
700 Children’s Drive
Columbus Ohio
(614) 722-2000
Teenagers and Discipline Part 4: Choosing Your Battles
Teenagers and Discipline Part 4: Choosing Your Battles
Parenting a teen can sometimes feel like a constant battle. can parents minimize the time spent in power struggles? By choosing your battles.
Have realistic expectations
It’s important to remember that the teen brain has not fully developed. Teens can be smart in some ways, but predicting consequences and assessing risk, are not things they are good at yet. Teens will make mistakes, and this does not have to be the cause of a major battle if you expect this and do not overreact.
Evaluate importance
How important is this issue? One question to ask yourself is, what are the possible consequences? Are they beyond child’s ability to cope or comprehend? Is my child or someone else in danger of a life threatening or life changing consequence (drunk driving, unprotected sex, for example)? If so, it may be worth staying involved until the issue is resolved.
Is this still my job?
Asserting themselves is an important part of how teens mature. Sometimes parents, feeling their role changing from boss to advisor, feel that a small argument is a chance to re-establish authority. In cases where a youth really is out of control and putting him or herself in danger, it may be necessary to get family counseling to improve boundaries and communication. If not, though, parents should decide if the power struggle is really about their own struggle to let go of an old role.
Will it be OK in two years?
Sometimes behavior may be ok for now, but doesn’t set a good pattern for the future, like following through on commitments or understanding how their behavior affects others. Ask yourself, will this behavior still be ok in two years? If not, you may want to address it now.
Know your own issues and triggers
Parents are people, with our own histories and sensitive issues. you know that a particular issue affects you emotionally, check yourself to make sure you aren’t over-reacting or imposing your own wishes, regrets or fears on the situation.
Use good communication
When a conversation is becoming heated, it gets hard to hear what the other person is saying. Both people can start to feel like the argument is about “no one can tell me what to do” or “you don’t respect me”. Those feelings can push you and your teen into extreme positions that are more about egos than issues. If one or both of you is feeling this way, it may be time to take a break and come back when tempers are cooler. Remember how you want to be talked to by others. Feeling respected and heard is important to everyone.
Address it sooner rather than later
When something is bothering you, talk about it before you get too frustrated. If you decide it’s not worth addressing, then work to really let it go, not just stuff it away till you explode.
Manage your own stress
Parenting a teen is challenging at the best of times, and work, family and personal issues can pile on the stress. If you are overly stressed, irritability sets in, and small problems seem like crises. Manage your own stress and you can choose battles more wisely.
Don’t be afraid to come back or re evaluate
You may decide something is not a big deal, and then the situation changes and become something that does have to be addressed. that seems like a big problem can suddenly work itself out without much help from you. Don’t be afraid to let something ride for a while and see how it develops, or to go back and change your mind about how something needs to be handled.
Remember! Relationship with your teen is a balancing act. Trust your instincts, check yourself, and stay in touch with your and your teens feelings. Some of those battles may not need to be battles after all!
By Lara Palay, LISW
Places to Get Help
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Nationwide Children’s Hospital
700 Children’s Drive
Columbus Ohio
(614) 722-2000
Teenagers and Discipline Part 4: Choosing Your Battles
Teenagers and Discipline Part 4: Choosing Your Battles
Parenting a teen can sometimes feel like a constant battle. can parents minimize the time spent in power struggles? By choosing your battles.
Have realistic expectations
It’s important to remember that the teen brain has not fully developed. Teens can be smart in some ways, but predicting consequences and assessing risk, are not things they are good at yet. Teens will make mistakes, and this does not have to be the cause of a major battle if you expect this and do not overreact.
Evaluate importance
How important is this issue? One question to ask yourself is, what are the possible consequences? Are they beyond child’s ability to cope or comprehend? Is my child or someone else in danger of a life threatening or life changing consequence (drunk driving, unprotected sex, for example)? If so, it may be worth staying involved until the issue is resolved.
Is this still my job?
Asserting themselves is an important part of how teens mature. Sometimes parents, feeling their role changing from boss to advisor, feel that a small argument is a chance to re-establish authority. In cases where a youth really is out of control and putting him or herself in danger, it may be necessary to get family counseling to improve boundaries and communication. If not, though, parents should decide if the power struggle is really about their own struggle to let go of an old role.
Will it be OK in two years?
Sometimes behavior may be ok for now, but doesn’t set a good pattern for the future, like following through on commitments or understanding how their behavior affects others. Ask yourself, will this behavior still be ok in two years? If not, you may want to address it now.
Know your own issues and triggers
Parents are people, with our own histories and sensitive issues. you know that a particular issue affects you emotionally, check yourself to make sure you aren’t over-reacting or imposing your own wishes, regrets or fears on the situation.
Use good communication
When a conversation is becoming heated, it gets hard to hear what the other person is saying. Both people can start to feel like the argument is about “no one can tell me what to do” or “you don’t respect me”. Those feelings can push you and your teen into extreme positions that are more about egos than issues. If one or both of you is feeling this way, it may be time to take a break and come back when tempers are cooler. Remember how you want to be talked to by others. Feeling respected and heard is important to everyone.
Address it sooner rather than later
When something is bothering you, talk about it before you get too frustrated. If you decide it’s not worth addressing, then work to really let it go, not just stuff it away till you explode.
Manage your own stress
Parenting a teen is challenging at the best of times, and work, family and personal issues can pile on the stress. If you are overly stressed, irritability sets in, and small problems seem like crises. Manage your own stress and you can choose battles more wisely.
Don’t be afraid to come back or re evaluate
You may decide something is not a big deal, and then the situation changes and become something that does have to be addressed. that seems like a big problem can suddenly work itself out without much help from you. Don’t be afraid to let something ride for a while and see how it develops, or to go back and change your mind about how something needs to be handled.
Remember! Relationship with your teen is a balancing act. Trust your instincts, check yourself, and stay in touch with your and your teens feelings. Some of those battles may not need to be battles after all!
By Lara Palay, LISW
Places to Get Help
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Nationwide Children’s Hospital
700 Children’s Drive
Columbus Ohio
(614) 722-2000
Understanding Teens
Growing Up
Transitioning: Older Teens and Young Adults
One of the biggest challenges for parents of teens 18 and older is that, legally, your child is considered an adult. Unless your teen has been “held over” and remains in custody of the court or Children’s Services (usually until age 21), your child can decide where to live, get a driver’s license, sign a lease and other legal contracts, and on and on. This can pose problems if your child is living at home. Parents often hear, “I’m an adult now; you can’t tell me what to do”. In some ways, this is true. Your child is now responsible for his or her own actions. A fistfight with peers previously might have resulted in suspension from school or grounding at home. Now, it can be considered assault, with possible criminal charges. Young adults engaging in sexual relationships with minors aged 15 or younger can be charged with statutory rape or other sexual misconduct. It can be tough for young adults to understand that, while their parent no longer controls them, their parent cannot protect them from their own actions either.
So what to do? As always, it is important to remember that every teen develops individually. Also, every teen develops in different areas at different rates, and we know that some parts of the brain, especially those involved in decision making and self-control, don’t finish growing until roughly age 25. A young man who looks fully-grown at 18 might still be very immature emotionally. Help your teen look at his strengths and his growth areas. A young woman who is old enough to go to college may still need to have her bank account supervised by you. A young man who has just turned eighteen but who is responsible enough to work and pay bills may be ready to move out on his own-with help! Even though the law views each young adult as being the same, each individual really is different.
Young Adults Out In The World
Young adults often struggle with feeling confident and ready to tackle the challenges of the real world. It can help to know that there is some kind of safety net. A young adult out on her own might still need to come home to get help with a problem, or to eat a home-cooked meal. It is important, though, that you work out boundaries to help that young person continue to progress. Coming home to do laundry should also include bringing her own detergent, or helping around the house while the spin cycle is going. Dropping off baskets of clothes for the Laundry Fairy (you!) to take care of while she watches TV or goes out with friends is probably not a system that will work for long.
Young Adults Living At Home
Old enough to vote? Old enough to get a job and help with bills! Taking classes at college? Smart enough to know when the garbage needs to go out (without constant nagging). Your young adult should help to offset the cost of the food and shelter you provide, just like in the real world. You may decide to charge rent, as some parents do, but even if you do not, a young adult living at home should take on more adult tasks and responsibilities. This helps your young adult to keep growing. Helping pay for groceries and taking more responsibility with chores are great ways to do this.
“I don’t have to report to you!”
They’re right: As an adult, your young person is no longer your responsibility in terms of where they are or what they’re up to while they’re out. No police officer will escort them home after curfew. However, people living in a home together share a responsibility not to drive everybody else in the house crazy. Coming in at 2:00 a.m., playing loud music while entertaining friends, etc. might well cause problems in any living situation. It is important to outline your expectations. “Yes, you no longer need to answer to me in the same way you did before. But if you are out ’till all hours, I will sit up and worry anyway. If you blast music and wake everybody up, I will be very upset, and this arrangement will have to change.” Then stick to it. Part of becoming an adult is taking responsibility for your behavior and living with your choices.
Know the system
Like teens, young adults sometimes need help developing skills and transitioning to independence. Some of the services available to teens are also available to your young adult. School systems can continue to help young adults with education plans. Franklin County offers assistance for young adults who qualify for mental retardation/developmental delay (MRDD) services. Vocational programs like the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation (BVR) or COVA can help young people prepare for work readiness. If you are already linked with some of these services before your teen turns eighteen, ask about their transition plan. Huckleberry House’s Youth Outreach Program serves youth through age 22, and can help to link you with resources in the community. Call 614-294-8097 if you would like to be referred to this program.
They still need you
Michael Riera, PhD, suggests thinking of the initial years of parenting as a time to be a “manager” for your child. Adolescents and young adults need you less for managing (decision-making, setting limits) and more as a consultant (pointing out pitfalls, offering suggestions and support). Most of all, your young adult needs to know you will be there when he or she needs you. Young adulthood is a time for creating new things: a new life, a new level of responsibility or sometimes just a new way of seeing yourself. This process takes time, with lots of initial successes mixed with temporary setbacks. Older teens need to know that even though your role may change, you are always a place to come for love and support-and maybe some help with the laundry.
Remember: Tell your young adult that you believe in him or her!
Further reading
Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers; Michael Riera, PhD.
Transitioning: Older Teens and Young Adults
One of the biggest challenges for parents of teens 18 and older is that, legally, your child is considered an adult. Unless your teen has been “held over” and remains in custody of the court or Children’s Services (usually until age 21), your child can decide where to live, get a driver’s license, sign a lease and other legal contracts, and on and on. This can pose problems if your child is living at home. Parents often hear, “I’m an adult now; you can’t tell me what to do”. In some ways, this is true. Your child is now responsible for his or her own actions. A fistfight with peers previously might have resulted in suspension from school or grounding at home. Now, it can be considered assault, with possible criminal charges. Young adults engaging in sexual relationships with minors aged 15 or younger can be charged with statutory rape or other sexual misconduct. It can be tough for young adults to understand that, while their parent no longer controls them, their parent cannot protect them from their own actions either.
So what to do? As always, it is important to remember that every teen develops individually. Also, every teen develops in different areas at different rates, and we know that some parts of the brain, especially those involved in decision making and self-control, don’t finish growing until roughly age 25. A young man who looks fully-grown at 18 might still be very immature emotionally. Help your teen look at his strengths and his growth areas. A young woman who is old enough to go to college may still need to have her bank account supervised by you. A young man who has just turned eighteen but who is responsible enough to work and pay bills may be ready to move out on his own-with help! Even though the law views each young adult as being the same, each individual really is different.
Young Adults Out In The World
Young adults often struggle with feeling confident and ready to tackle the challenges of the real world. It can help to know that there is some kind of safety net. A young adult out on her own might still need to come home to get help with a problem, or to eat a home-cooked meal. It is important, though, that you work out boundaries to help that young person continue to progress. Coming home to do laundry should also include bringing her own detergent, or helping around the house while the spin cycle is going. Dropping off baskets of clothes for the Laundry Fairy (you!) to take care of while she watches TV or goes out with friends is probably not a system that will work for long.
Young Adults Living At Home
Old enough to vote? Old enough to get a job and help with bills! Taking classes at college? Smart enough to know when the garbage needs to go out (without constant nagging). Your young adult should help to offset the cost of the food and shelter you provide, just like in the real world. You may decide to charge rent, as some parents do, but even if you do not, a young adult living at home should take on more adult tasks and responsibilities. This helps your young adult to keep growing. Helping pay for groceries and taking more responsibility with chores are great ways to do this.
“I don’t have to report to you!”
They’re right: As an adult, your young person is no longer your responsibility in terms of where they are or what they’re up to while they’re out. No police officer will escort them home after curfew. However, people living in a home together share a responsibility not to drive everybody else in the house crazy. Coming in at 2:00 a.m., playing loud music while entertaining friends, etc. might well cause problems in any living situation. It is important to outline your expectations. “Yes, you no longer need to answer to me in the same way you did before. But if you are out ’till all hours, I will sit up and worry anyway. If you blast music and wake everybody up, I will be very upset, and this arrangement will have to change.” Then stick to it. Part of becoming an adult is taking responsibility for your behavior and living with your choices.
Know the system
Like teens, young adults sometimes need help developing skills and transitioning to independence. Some of the services available to teens are also available to your young adult. School systems can continue to help young adults with education plans. Franklin County offers assistance for young adults who qualify for mental retardation/developmental delay (MRDD) services. Vocational programs like the Bureau of Vocational Rehabilitation (BVR) or COVA can help young people prepare for work readiness. If you are already linked with some of these services before your teen turns eighteen, ask about their transition plan. Huckleberry House’s Youth Outreach Program serves youth through age 22, and can help to link you with resources in the community. Call 614-294-8097 if you would like to be referred to this program.
They still need you
Michael Riera, PhD, suggests thinking of the initial years of parenting as a time to be a “manager” for your child. Adolescents and young adults need you less for managing (decision-making, setting limits) and more as a consultant (pointing out pitfalls, offering suggestions and support). Most of all, your young adult needs to know you will be there when he or she needs you. Young adulthood is a time for creating new things: a new life, a new level of responsibility or sometimes just a new way of seeing yourself. This process takes time, with lots of initial successes mixed with temporary setbacks. Older teens need to know that even though your role may change, you are always a place to come for love and support-and maybe some help with the laundry.
Remember: Tell your young adult that you believe in him or her!
Further reading
Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers; Michael Riera, PhD.
Teenagers and Independence
Teenagers and Independence
Independence is the ultimate goal of adolescence. Even though it’s sometimes hard for parents to think about letting go of their child, the best relationships are the ones that teens come back to, as adults, recognizing how their parents have helped them into adulthood by not clinging or pushing them away too soon.
We recommend that parents look for opportunities to teach independence, starting in childhood. Giving choices, encouraging (reasonable) risk-taking and allowing a child to make mistakes are all ways that parents build the skills that make independence possible.
We’ve talked a lot about the push-and-pull of adolescence; teens desperately want to become adults, but are also afraid of it. You can help make this process feel at least a little safer by helping your teen to prepare gradually. Trying new things, making choices and making mistakes becomes even more important in the teen years. Here are some areas that can offer good practice for independence.
Managing time
Encourage your teen to be responsible for his or her own time. “How much time do you need for homework?” “How long to do you need to unwind after school?” If the answers to these questions are “None” and “Until midnight”, then your teen needs some help making a schedule. Many teens can come up with a reasonable time for getting things done, with some practice and initial limits from you. You may want to let her try out her schedule through, say, one grading period. If grades go down, the schedule needs work and maybe more supervision from you.
Getting themselves up
Many parents complain about the daily battles trying to get their teen out of bed. Teens need almost as much sleep as infants, and often don’t get enough of it. After you’ve done your part in limiting the distractions before bedtime (TV and phone calls are common culprits!), help your teen be responsible for getting himself up. Every teen should have his own alarm clock. The natural consequence of not getting up could be a detention at school, or losing a job. After a few repetitions, your teen will likely get the message, and you don’t have to do anything. If you feel your teen is deliberately avoiding school, there may be a more serious problem that requires outside help.
Learning to Handle Money
Not knowing basic financial skills can be one the first things to trip up a newly independent young adult. Look for chances to teach basic money skills. Some parents give their teen a set amount of money and let her plan the weekly grocery shopping or family vacation. Have her help you pay utility bills and budget for expenses. A few experiments can teach a lot more than lectures. Explain carefully about credit cards and limit access to credit. Teens are impulsive, and easily get stuck in the trap of charging more than they can pay off. An after-school job is a great opportunity for your teen to start practicing the Law of Thirds: Save /invest a third, spend a third, donate a third. Teens should have their own savings accounts.
Making Mistakes
More than anything else, teens learn from making mistakes. As a parent, your job is to try to make sure that the mistakes your teen makes aren’t life-threatening, like getting into the car with a drunk driver. In other articles we’ve recommended creating a safety agreement with your teen so that, for example, your teen can call home and get a ride with no questions asked rather than drive drunk. Talk with your teen about the safety agreements you feel are important.
Most mistakes, though, will not fall into that category. No one is perfect, especially parents. It’s important that you teen see that that you do not expect perfection from him or from yourself, and that you can admit your mistakes when you make them. Letting your teen make mistakes, and letting him suffer the consequences of a mistake, can be hard to do. But when you give your teen permission to make mistakes, and let him know you love him anyway, you tell him that you believe in his ability to take a fall, get up and learn from it. And that’s what being an adult is all about.
Remember, stay patient, keep talking and keep trying. You and your teen are worth it!
Teenagers and Independence
Teenagers and Independence
Independence is the ultimate goal of adolescence. Even though it’s sometimes hard for parents to think about letting go of their child, the best relationships are the ones that teens come back to, as adults, recognizing how their parents have helped them into adulthood by not clinging or pushing them away too soon.
We recommend that parents look for opportunities to teach independence, starting in childhood. Giving choices, encouraging (reasonable) risk-taking and allowing a child to make mistakes are all ways that parents build the skills that make independence possible.
We’ve talked a lot about the push-and-pull of adolescence; teens desperately want to become adults, but are also afraid of it. You can help make this process feel at least a little safer by helping your teen to prepare gradually. Trying new things, making choices and making mistakes becomes even more important in the teen years. Here are some areas that can offer good practice for independence.
Managing time
Encourage your teen to be responsible for his or her own time. “How much time do you need for homework?” “How long to do you need to unwind after school?” If the answers to these questions are “None” and “Until midnight”, then your teen needs some help making a schedule. Many teens can come up with a reasonable time for getting things done, with some practice and initial limits from you. You may want to let her try out her schedule through, say, one grading period. If grades go down, the schedule needs work and maybe more supervision from you.
Getting themselves up
Many parents complain about the daily battles trying to get their teen out of bed. Teens need almost as much sleep as infants, and often don’t get enough of it. After you’ve done your part in limiting the distractions before bedtime (TV and phone calls are common culprits!), help your teen be responsible for getting himself up. Every teen should have his own alarm clock. The natural consequence of not getting up could be a detention at school, or losing a job. After a few repetitions, your teen will likely get the message, and you don’t have to do anything. If you feel your teen is deliberately avoiding school, there may be a more serious problem that requires outside help.
Learning to Handle Money
Not knowing basic financial skills can be one the first things to trip up a newly independent young adult. Look for chances to teach basic money skills. Some parents give their teen a set amount of money and let her plan the weekly grocery shopping or family vacation. Have her help you pay utility bills and budget for expenses. A few experiments can teach a lot more than lectures. Explain carefully about credit cards and limit access to credit. Teens are impulsive, and easily get stuck in the trap of charging more than they can pay off. An after-school job is a great opportunity for your teen to start practicing the Law of Thirds: Save /invest a third, spend a third, donate a third. Teens should have their own savings accounts.
Making Mistakes
More than anything else, teens learn from making mistakes. As a parent, your job is to try to make sure that the mistakes your teen makes aren’t life-threatening, like getting into the car with a drunk driver. In other articles we’ve recommended creating a safety agreement with your teen so that, for example, your teen can call home and get a ride with no questions asked rather than drive drunk. Talk with your teen about the safety agreements you feel are important.
Most mistakes, though, will not fall into that category. No one is perfect, especially parents. It’s important that you teen see that that you do not expect perfection from him or from yourself, and that you can admit your mistakes when you make them. Letting your teen make mistakes, and letting him suffer the consequences of a mistake, can be hard to do. But when you give your teen permission to make mistakes, and let him know you love him anyway, you tell him that you believe in his ability to take a fall, get up and learn from it. And that’s what being an adult is all about.
Remember, stay patient, keep talking and keep trying. You and your teen are worth it!
Youth in Transition: Helpful Hints for Success
The transition for young people from being teenagers to young adults is an exciting and scary time. Young people begin to develop a sense of self and yearn for independence. This quest for independence often leads a young person to seek a living situation independent from their loved ones.
As a parent or a guardian, how can you assist your young adult in this transition to independence? The following “helpful hints” can help you and your young adult find a starting point, and chisel away at the anxiety that can come at this exciting and scary time.
Start with the basics. What kind of a budget do you have? To do this, figure out the biggest expense first — rent! To do this, take your monthly earnings (add up all of your income for 4 weeks) and take 30% of that (multiply by .30, ex. $800 x .30 = $240 per month).
Consider finding a roommate; this will cut overall expenses in half and reduce feeling lonely.
Location, location, location! Choose a place close to family, school, work, bus line, grocery store, laundromat, etc.
Assist your youth in opening a checking/savings account & teach them how to use it (balancing a checkbook, making deposits, etc.).
Go grocery shopping with your teen and teach him or her how to buy nutritious food on a budget.
Demonstrate how to do laundry and general house cleaning (include a lesson on changing their bed sheets regularly).
Make sure that they have all of the safety basics including:
- fire extinguisher
- smoke/carbon monoxide detector
- cooking supplies (baking sheets, pots & pans, measuring cups, cutting board, sharp knives, silverware, dishes, glasses)
- cleaning supplies (multi-purpose cleaners are great!)
- vacuum cleaner
- towels, sheets and blankets
Most importantly, keep supporting your young person through this transition. Your patience and encouragement makes a difference.
Youth in Transition: Helpful Hints for Success
The transition for young people from being teenagers to young adults is an exciting and scary time. Young people begin to develop a sense of self and yearn for independence. This quest for independence often leads a young person to seek a living situation independent from their loved ones.
As a parent or a guardian, how can you assist your young adult in this transition to independence? The following “helpful hints” can help you and your young adult find a starting point, and chisel away at the anxiety that can come at this exciting and scary time.
Start with the basics. What kind of a budget do you have? To do this, figure out the biggest expense first — rent! To do this, take your monthly earnings (add up all of your income for 4 weeks) and take 30% of that (multiply by .30, ex. $800 x .30 = $240 per month).
Consider finding a roommate; this will cut overall expenses in half and reduce feeling lonely.
Location, location, location! Choose a place close to family, school, work, bus line, grocery store, laundromat, etc.
Assist your youth in opening a checking/savings account & teach them how to use it (balancing a checkbook, making deposits, etc.).
Go grocery shopping with your teen and teach him or her how to buy nutritious food on a budget.
Demonstrate how to do laundry and general house cleaning (include a lesson on changing their bed sheets regularly).
Make sure that they have all of the safety basics including:
- fire extinguisher
- smoke/carbon monoxide detector
- cooking supplies (baking sheets, pots & pans, measuring cups, cutting board, sharp knives, silverware, dishes, glasses)
- cleaning supplies (multi-purpose cleaners are great!)
- vacuum cleaner
- towels, sheets and blankets
Most importantly, keep supporting your young person through this transition. Your patience and encouragement makes a difference.
Building The Relationship
Turning It Around With Your Teen
We’ve put together a list of small but important steps you can take to help “turn things around” with your teen.
Listen
When your teen is talking about something, remind yourself you aren’t going to interrupt, criticize or give advice.
Get involved
Find out one thing today you don’t know about your teen’s life. This might include who your teen’s friends are, who their parents are, and what places they’re going. Or find out what Internet sites your teen visits, and what information he or she has posted.
Tell them what you care about
Let them know, briefly, that you want them not to smoke, drink, have sex, or whatever it is you care about. No lecture needed.
Change one habit during an argument
Do you shout? Talk softly. Do you tend to argue in the kitchen? Stop the argument and move to another room, or plan a conversation for the car. Say yes to something you might usually say no to.
Try peacemaking
Are you “always right”? Apologize or take responsibility for something, even something small, in a conflict with your teen. Tell your teen about something you messed up when you were a teenager.
Manage your own stress
Do one extra or new thing just for yourself. This might mean calling a friend, taking a nap, going for a walk, lighting an aromatherapy candle, or whatever you do to relax and feel cared for.
One extra step
Find a way to add one extra positive moment each day. This could be an extra hug, an “I love you” on the way out the door, or an encouraging note on the kitchen table.
Remember, it’s often the small things that can make an impossible situation suddenly seem workable, or a tense conversation feel more relaxed.
You can turn it around!
“From Our House To Yours” is written by Lara Palay, LISW and Team Leader of the Huckleberry House Family Support Program.
Turning It Around With Your Teen
We’ve put together a list of small but important steps you can take to help “turn things around” with your teen.
Listen
When your teen is talking about something, remind yourself you aren’t going to interrupt, criticize or give advice.
Get involved
Find out one thing today you don’t know about your teen’s life. This might include who your teen’s friends are, who their parents are, and what places they’re going. Or find out what Internet sites your teen visits, and what information he or she has posted.
Tell them what you care about
Let them know, briefly, that you want them not to smoke, drink, have sex, or whatever it is you care about. No lecture needed.
Change one habit during an argument
Do you shout? Talk softly. Do you tend to argue in the kitchen? Stop the argument and move to another room, or plan a conversation for the car. Say yes to something you might usually say no to.
Try peacemaking
Are you “always right”? Apologize or take responsibility for something, even something small, in a conflict with your teen. Tell your teen about something you messed up when you were a teenager.
Manage your own stress
Do one extra or new thing just for yourself. This might mean calling a friend, taking a nap, going for a walk, lighting an aromatherapy candle, or whatever you do to relax and feel cared for.
One extra step
Find a way to add one extra positive moment each day. This could be an extra hug, an “I love you” on the way out the door, or an encouraging note on the kitchen table.
Remember, it’s often the small things that can make an impossible situation suddenly seem workable, or a tense conversation feel more relaxed.
You can turn it around!
“From Our House To Yours” is written by Lara Palay, LISW and Team Leader of the Huckleberry House Family Support Program.
Building Free Time This Summer
Summer often means that there is less tension at home. Schedules are looser, and there are no grade cards to argue about! But summer has it’s share of challenges for parents and teens.
Renegotiate Rules
Teens often feel that because they are out of school they should be able to stay up late, sleep in and relax. Parents often don’t feel the same! We suggest you sit down with your teen and come up with “summer rules.” Maybe it’s okay to stay up an hour or two later, but not all night. You may let your teen get up an hour or two later, but not sleep until noon. Also, think about curfew, time out with friends and other privileges. Remember, privileges and responsibilities go together. If your teen gets new freedom, make sure there is some new responsibility (mowing the lawn, doing laundry) to go with it.
Money, money, money
More free time means more time out and about with friends. For most teens, this means spending money. Discuss with your teen how he or she can earn some more spending money. This might be a summer job for older teens. For younger teens, find a way to earn cash doing odd jobs for you or neighbors.
Keep some structure
Looser summer schedules can be a welcome break from the school year routine. Teens, however, especially those who are anxious or impulsive, really need consistent schedules and rules. Dinner together, worship on Sunday, family game night on Friday: whatever your family likes to do, make sure there is an anchor every week, or even every day, that your teen can count on.
Relax
Teens and families need down time, too. Don’t forget to keep a balance between scheduled activities and lazy, hang around time. You and your teen can sit down and talk about the balance. It can take time and some trial and error to figure it out, so keep trying!
Some Activities and Where To Find Them
- Summer reading programs: Columbus Libraries
- Day camps: Columbus Parks and Recreation
- Art classes: Godman Guild
- Sport camps: Silesian Boys Club
- Drop in activities: City Year
- Paid jobs: Urban League
- Volunteer jobs: First Link
“From Our House To Yours” is written by Lara Palay, LISW and Team Leader of the Huckleberry House Family Support Program.
Building Free Time This Summer
Summer often means that there is less tension at home. Schedules are looser, and there are no grade cards to argue about! But summer has it’s share of challenges for parents and teens.
Renegotiate Rules
Teens often feel that because they are out of school they should be able to stay up late, sleep in and relax. Parents often don’t feel the same! We suggest you sit down with your teen and come up with “summer rules.” Maybe it’s okay to stay up an hour or two later, but not all night. You may let your teen get up an hour or two later, but not sleep until noon. Also, think about curfew, time out with friends and other privileges. Remember, privileges and responsibilities go together. If your teen gets new freedom, make sure there is some new responsibility (mowing the lawn, doing laundry) to go with it.
Money, money, money
More free time means more time out and about with friends. For most teens, this means spending money. Discuss with your teen how he or she can earn some more spending money. This might be a summer job for older teens. For younger teens, find a way to earn cash doing odd jobs for you or neighbors.
Keep some structure
Looser summer schedules can be a welcome break from the school year routine. Teens, however, especially those who are anxious or impulsive, really need consistent schedules and rules. Dinner together, worship on Sunday, family game night on Friday: whatever your family likes to do, make sure there is an anchor every week, or even every day, that your teen can count on.
Relax
Teens and families need down time, too. Don’t forget to keep a balance between scheduled activities and lazy, hang around time. You and your teen can sit down and talk about the balance. It can take time and some trial and error to figure it out, so keep trying!
Some Activities and Where To Find Them
- Summer reading programs: Columbus Libraries
- Day camps: Columbus Parks and Recreation
- Art classes: Godman Guild
- Sport camps: Silesian Boys Club
- Drop in activities: City Year
- Paid jobs: Urban League
- Volunteer jobs: First Link
“From Our House To Yours” is written by Lara Palay, LISW and Team Leader of the Huckleberry House Family Support Program.
Communication
Teens and Communication
Teens and Communication
Parents worry a lot about teens. They worry their teen will get into trouble, that their teen won’t be ready for adulthood, that they don’t matter anymore with their teen. We’ve learned that teens worry a lot too, and good communication can help parents and teens work this out.
Teens are mostly worried that they are going to be treated like a baby forever, and at the same time they worry that they aren’t ready yet to be a grown-up. They worry about grades, school or finding a job. They worry about sex, drugs and alcohol. They worry about their families. They worry about their friends, but mostly they worry about themselves. The hard part about communicating with a teen is that she doesn’t always tell you what she’s worried about. This is because, for many teens, letting a parent in on the problem means that the teen can’t handle it herself; in other words, she’s still a little kid. Often the most that parents get to see is an uncommunicative or irritable teen, and the parent is left wondering what they said to make their child so angry.
The first step is recognizing that this stage doesn’t last forever. Once teens start feeling more comfortable about taking on grown-up stuff, usually around ages 17 to 22, they feel less that talking to a parent equals “being a baby”. In the meantime, here are some things that we find make communicating easier:
Make Your Point Fast
When the lecture starts, teens stop listening. Parents sometimes worry about making sure their child “understands how important this is…”. Believe us, chances are your teen already knows how you feel. Keep your message short, calm and to the point. “I expect you not to smoke. If I find out you have been smoking, we will talk more about it. If you need help or have questions you can always come to me about it”.
Stay Cool
Teens often think parents are angry, even when it isn’t true. If you really are angry, admit it and ask yourself if you can calm down enough to talk it out. If the answer is no, put off conversation for a time you can be calm. Sometimes teens can be overly sensitive, and they read a lot of things into a simple sentence or question. It’s hard to put up with, but be patient and let your teen know you’re not angry. Chances are the “You’re always angry with me!” tactic is really about your teen worrying (there it is again!) that he or she is messing up in some way.
Allow for Space
Don’t expect your teen to tell you everything. Teens need to feel they can manage things without parents. Sometimes they act like they are allergic to parents to point out to everybody, and mostly themselves, how grown-up they are. Let them do this. Don’t listen in on conversations, don’t read diaries, don’t snoop. On the other hand, explain there are some things you need to know, like where, who, when and what they’re doing (including online). We know, it’s tricky.
Take Care of Yourself (and Let Stuff Go)
Teens can be very thoughtless and hurtful at times. It’s OK, and even important, to let your teen know he made you angry or hurt your feelings, but don’t keep the fight going or say hurtful things back “to teach him a lesson”. You are the adult. Adults take care of their own feelings. Children, including teenagers, feel overwhelmed at the idea of being a grown-up or taking care of one. Saying to your teen “I’m so upset, but you can make me feel better by…”, in other words, making him responsible for fixing how you feel, is too hard for your teen to handle.
Take Responsibility
Teens become very good at catching parents at making mistakes, fudging the truth or not always living up to their own rules. This is part of how a teen learns to look critically at herself and the world. Be honest, and admit mistakes. Showing your teen that you know you’re not perfect, and that you’re OK with that, teaches her that it’s OK if she‘s not perfect either. It also teaches honesty and builds trust between you and your teen.
Most importantly, always tell your teen how much you love him or her, no matter what. Communicate!
Teens and Communication
Teens and Communication
Parents worry a lot about teens. They worry their teen will get into trouble, that their teen won’t be ready for adulthood, that they don’t matter anymore with their teen. We’ve learned that teens worry a lot too, and good communication can help parents and teens work this out.
Teens are mostly worried that they are going to be treated like a baby forever, and at the same time they worry that they aren’t ready yet to be a grown-up. They worry about grades, school or finding a job. They worry about sex, drugs and alcohol. They worry about their families. They worry about their friends, but mostly they worry about themselves. The hard part about communicating with a teen is that she doesn’t always tell you what she’s worried about. This is because, for many teens, letting a parent in on the problem means that the teen can’t handle it herself; in other words, she’s still a little kid. Often the most that parents get to see is an uncommunicative or irritable teen, and the parent is left wondering what they said to make their child so angry.
The first step is recognizing that this stage doesn’t last forever. Once teens start feeling more comfortable about taking on grown-up stuff, usually around ages 17 to 22, they feel less that talking to a parent equals “being a baby”. In the meantime, here are some things that we find make communicating easier:
Make Your Point Fast
When the lecture starts, teens stop listening. Parents sometimes worry about making sure their child “understands how important this is…”. Believe us, chances are your teen already knows how you feel. Keep your message short, calm and to the point. “I expect you not to smoke. If I find out you have been smoking, we will talk more about it. If you need help or have questions you can always come to me about it”.
Stay Cool
Teens often think parents are angry, even when it isn’t true. If you really are angry, admit it and ask yourself if you can calm down enough to talk it out. If the answer is no, put off conversation for a time you can be calm. Sometimes teens can be overly sensitive, and they read a lot of things into a simple sentence or question. It’s hard to put up with, but be patient and let your teen know you’re not angry. Chances are the “You’re always angry with me!” tactic is really about your teen worrying (there it is again!) that he or she is messing up in some way.
Allow for Space
Don’t expect your teen to tell you everything. Teens need to feel they can manage things without parents. Sometimes they act like they are allergic to parents to point out to everybody, and mostly themselves, how grown-up they are. Let them do this. Don’t listen in on conversations, don’t read diaries, don’t snoop. On the other hand, explain there are some things you need to know, like where, who, when and what they’re doing (including online). We know, it’s tricky.
Take Care of Yourself (and Let Stuff Go)
Teens can be very thoughtless and hurtful at times. It’s OK, and even important, to let your teen know he made you angry or hurt your feelings, but don’t keep the fight going or say hurtful things back “to teach him a lesson”. You are the adult. Adults take care of their own feelings. Children, including teenagers, feel overwhelmed at the idea of being a grown-up or taking care of one. Saying to your teen “I’m so upset, but you can make me feel better by…”, in other words, making him responsible for fixing how you feel, is too hard for your teen to handle.
Take Responsibility
Teens become very good at catching parents at making mistakes, fudging the truth or not always living up to their own rules. This is part of how a teen learns to look critically at herself and the world. Be honest, and admit mistakes. Showing your teen that you know you’re not perfect, and that you’re OK with that, teaches her that it’s OK if she‘s not perfect either. It also teaches honesty and builds trust between you and your teen.
Most importantly, always tell your teen how much you love him or her, no matter what. Communicate!
Other Helpful Articles
Additional Resources
Additional Resources
Recommended Reading
It’s Not Fair, Jeremy Spencer’s Parents Let Him Stay Up All Night!
A Guide to the Tougher Parts of Parenting
Anthony E. Wolf, PhD
Farrer, Straus, Giroux, 1995.
Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?
A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager
Anthony E. Wolf, PhD
Farrer, Straus, Giroux, 1991
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Avon books, 1980
Parents, Teens and Boundaries:
How to Draw the Line
Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Health Communications, Inc., 1993
Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers
Michael Riera, PhD.
Celestial Arts, 1995
Places to Get Help:
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Children’s Hospital Guidance Center
899 E. Broad St.
Columbus, Ohio 43205
(614) 861-5050
Additional Resources
Additional Resources
Recommended Reading
It’s Not Fair, Jeremy Spencer’s Parents Let Him Stay Up All Night!
A Guide to the Tougher Parts of Parenting
Anthony E. Wolf, PhD
Farrer, Straus, Giroux, 1995.
Get Out of My Life! But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall?
A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager
Anthony E. Wolf, PhD
Farrer, Straus, Giroux, 1991
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Avon books, 1980
Parents, Teens and Boundaries:
How to Draw the Line
Jane Bluestein, Ph.D.
Health Communications, Inc., 1993
Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers
Michael Riera, PhD.
Celestial Arts, 1995
Places to Get Help:
Huckleberry House
1421 Hamlet St.
Columbus, Ohio 43201
(614) 294-5553
Franklin County Children’s Services
525 E. Mound St.
Columbus, Ohio 43215
(614) 229-7100
Children’s Hospital Guidance Center
899 E. Broad St.
Columbus, Ohio 43205
(614) 861-5050
Workshops
Huckleberry House has developed a workshop series based on the articles that you’ve been reading in our newsletters. Workshops are free and available to any group that wants to sponsor one. The “From Our House to Yours” workshops are tailored for community centers, churches, or the workplace. Sponsoring organizations can choose from five topics. Workshop length is flexible – working well as brown bag lunches or evening presentations.
Workshop descriptions are as follows:
Teens and Communication
Teens want to be understood as much as parents do. Keep the lines of communication open using direct, flexible strategies explored in this workshop.
Setting Limits
Teens still need limits as well as learning about increasing responsibilities. Learn to develop limits that are appropriate for a teen’s developmental stage.
Lies & Confrontations
Lying is often a source of conflict for parents and teens. Understand why teens lie and how to confront unacceptable behavior.
Consequences
One of life’s most important lessons is that our actions have consequences. Learn how to develop consequences that teach, not just punish.
Teens and Independence
Independence is the ultimate goal of adolescence. Get practical suggestions for helping your teen into adulthood.
Workshop presenters are Huckleberry House staff. Staff receives comprehensive training in the areas of:
- Adolescent development
- Crisis intervention
- Conflict resolution with teens
To schedule a presentation by the Huckleberry House “From Our House to Yours” Community Education Program, please contact (614) 294-8097, fax (614) 294-6109, or email kcrockett@huck-house.org.
Workshops
Huckleberry House has developed a workshop series based on the articles that you’ve been reading in our newsletters. Workshops are free and available to any group that wants to sponsor one. The “From Our House to Yours” workshops are tailored for community centers, churches, or the workplace. Sponsoring organizations can choose from five topics. Workshop length is flexible – working well as brown bag lunches or evening presentations.
Workshop descriptions are as follows:
Teens and Communication
Teens want to be understood as much as parents do. Keep the lines of communication open using direct, flexible strategies explored in this workshop.
Setting Limits
Teens still need limits as well as learning about increasing responsibilities. Learn to develop limits that are appropriate for a teen’s developmental stage.
Lies & Confrontations
Lying is often a source of conflict for parents and teens. Understand why teens lie and how to confront unacceptable behavior.
Consequences
One of life’s most important lessons is that our actions have consequences. Learn how to develop consequences that teach, not just punish.
Teens and Independence
Independence is the ultimate goal of adolescence. Get practical suggestions for helping your teen into adulthood.
Workshop presenters are Huckleberry House staff. Staff receives comprehensive training in the areas of:
- Adolescent development
- Crisis intervention
- Conflict resolution with teens
To schedule a presentation by the Huckleberry House “From Our House to Yours” Community Education Program, please contact (614) 294-8097, fax (614) 294-6109, or email kcrockett@huck-house.org.
Resources for Teachers, Counselors, and Administrators
Since 1970, Huckleberry House has been reaching young people and their families to build stronger lives. We have printed materials we can provide for your school. To receive a package of agency brochures, Text to Safety cards, or Huck House wristbands (with the crisis hotline), or any other support materials, please contact our offices at (614) 294-8097.
We also have experts who can give presentations to classes or at school assemblies:
Huck House 101:
Our program managers are available to speak to a group of students or your entire student body about how to access resources at Huck House and in the community. They can talk about when to seek help and what kind of help is available.
Teen Topics:
We offer presentations about managing stress, how to “fight fair” with your parents, conflict resolution, and more. If there is a topic you think your students need to hear about, we have probably given a presentation about it. Or we can create one. Just ask.
Youth Homelessness:
As strong advocates for preventing and ending youth homelessness, our staff welcomes every opportunity to discuss the issues and share ideas for how we can end this crisis in our community.
Does your student need help right now?
Call our 24/7 Crisis Hotline at (614) 294-5553 to talk with someone right away.
Our crisis counselors can help you determine which resources your student should access.
