|
From Our House to Yours:
Transitioning: Older Teens and Young Adults
In this column we
often talk about the tasks and trials of parenting
minors-teens ages twelve through seventeen. This
time we focus on older teens, ages 18-22. Once your
child turns eighteen, some issues change and some
stay the same.
One of the
biggest challenges for parents of teens 18 and older
is that, legally, your child is considered an adult.
Unless your teen has been “held over” and remains in
custody of the court or Children’s Services (usually
until age 21), your child can decide where to live,
get a driver’s
license, sign a lease and other legal contracts, and
on and on. This can pose problems if your child is
living at home. Parents often hear, “I’m
an adult now; you can’t tell me what to do”. In
some ways, this is true. Your child is now
responsible for his or her own actions. A fistfight
with peers previously might have resulted in
suspension from school or grounding at home. Now,
it can be considered assault, with possible criminal
charges. Young adults engaging in sexual
relationships with minors aged 15 or younger can be
charged with statutory rape or other sexual
misconduct. It can be tough for young adults to
understand that, while their parent no longer
controls them, their parent cannot protect them from
their own actions either.
So what to do?
As always, it is important to remember that every
teen develops individually. Also, every teen
develops in different areas at different rates, and
we know that some parts of the brain, especially
those involved in decision making and self-control,
don’t finish growing until roughly age 25. A
young man who looks fully-grown at 18 might still be
very immature emotionally. Help your teen look
at his strengths and his growth areas. A young
woman who is old enough to go to college may still
need to have her bank account supervised by you. A
young man who has just turned eighteen but who is
responsible enough to work and pay bills may be
ready to move out on his own-with help! Even though the law views each young adult as being the same,
each individual really is different.
Young Adults Out In The World
Young adults often struggle with feeling confident
and ready to tackle the challenges of the real
world. It can help to know that there is some kind
of safety net. A young adult out on her own might
still need to come home to get help with a problem, or
to eat a home-cooked meal. It is important, though,
that you work out boundaries to help that young
person continue to progress. Coming home to do
laundry should also include bringing her own
detergent, or helping around the house while the
spin cycle is going. Dropping off baskets of
clothes for the Laundry Fairy (you!) to take care of
while she watches TV or goes out with friends is
probably not a system that will work for long.
Young Adults Living At Home
Old enough to vote? Old enough to get a job and
help with bills! Taking classes at college? Smart
enough to know when the garbage needs to go out
(without constant nagging). Your young adult should
help to offset the cost of the food and shelter you
provide, just like in the real world. You may
decide to charge rent, as some
parents do, but even if you do not, a young adult living at home should
take on more adult tasks and responsibilities. This
helps your young adult to keep growing. Helping pay
for groceries and taking more responsibility with
chores are great ways to do this.
“I don’t have to report to
you!”
They’re right: As an adult, your young person is no
longer your responsibility in terms of where they
are or what they’re up to while they’re out. No
police officer will escort them home after curfew.
However, people living in a home together share a
responsibility not to drive everybody else in the
house crazy. Coming in at 2:00 a.m., playing loud
music while entertaining friends, etc. might well
cause problems in any living situation. It is
important to outline your expectations. “Yes, you
no longer need to answer to me in the same way you
did before. But
if you are out 'till all hours, I will sit up and
worry anyway. If you blast music and wake everybody up,
I will be very upset, and this arrangement will have
to change.” Then stick to it. Part of becoming an
adult is taking responsibility for your behavior and
living with your choices.
Know the system
Like teens, young adults sometimes need help
developing skills and transitioning to
independence. Some of the services available to
teens are also available to your young adult.
School systems can continue to help young adults
with education plans. Franklin County offers
assistance for young adults who qualify for mental
retardation/developmental delay (MRDD) services.
Vocational programs like the Bureau of Vocational
Rehabilitation (BVR) or COVA can help young people
prepare for work readiness. If you are already
linked with some of these services before your teen
turns eighteen, ask about their transition plan.
Huckleberry House’s Youth Outreach Program serves
youth through age 22, and can help to link you with
resources in the community. Call 614-294-8097
if you would like to be referred to this program.
They still need you
Michael Riera, PhD, suggests thinking of the initial
years of parenting as a time to be a “manager” for
your child. Adolescents and young adults need you
less for managing (decision-making, setting limits)
and more as a consultant (pointing out pitfalls,
offering suggestions and support). Most of all,
your young adult needs to know you will be there
when he or she needs you. Young adulthood is a time for
creating new things: a new life, a new level of
responsibility or sometimes just a new way of seeing
yourself. This process takes time, with lots of
initial successes mixed with temporary setbacks.
Older teens need to know that even though your role
may change, you are always a place to come for love
and support-and maybe some help with the laundry.
Remember:
Tell your young adult that you believe in him or
her!
Further reading:
Uncommon Sense for Parents with Teenagers;
Michael Riera, PhD.
|
