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Going from parenting
a child to parenting a teen can be pretty abrupt
sometimes. It can seem that overnight, your child
has been replaced by a completely different,
hard-to-get-along-with person. Everyone is
different, and not every girl or boy fits a mold,
but there are some things we’ve learned about teens
in general and girls in particular:
Girls can get very
emotional, very fast
Boys get very emotional too. It’s part of being a
teenager. Some of this is because hormones can
“raise the volume” on emotional responses; some of
it is because the parts of the brain that control
executive functioning (cool reasoning, slowing down
impulsive responses) are still just developing in
teens. Boys tend to bottle those feeling up, or
express them physically, or with peers. Many girls are comfortable with sharing feelings in
general, and get very expressive during an argument,
sometimes in dramatic ways. This can mean yelling,
crying and fierce arguing, very quickly turning a
discussion into a screaming match.
What is with these reactions?
A couple of things are key to remember. When
feelings seem way out of proportion to the problem,
your teen may be pushing hard to get the outcome she
wants. Or, it could be a situation that seems really
important because of where the teen is standing. You
know that friends worth having won’t judge your teen
on her popularity, for example. She doesn’t really
believe that yet, so the issue of having the same
curfew as her friends is much more life-or-death to
her. Also, your teen may be dealing with the stress
of coping in a new, scary world. She may feel
safest unloading that frustration in a place that
will always like and accept her-home.
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Tip:
Reflect back the feeling you heard without
agreeing or disagreeing with it. “I hear
you’re really angry about your curfew, and
you’re worried your friends won’t want to
hang out with you”. “Yeah, I am” |
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Anthony Wolf, PhD,
who writes about teens and parents, suggests that
teen girls sometimes use these emotional scenes to
handle their mixed feelings about separating from
parents. Teens still want to be taken care of by
their parents, just like when they were little. But
these feelings are opposite from being independent,
so wanting closeness becomes scary and upsetting.
The screaming and yelling may be a way for a teen to
feel connected, but at the same time convince
herself that she’s separate from her parents.
So what can parents do with all this? We have some
suggestions:
Reflect neutrally
During a conflict, most of us want to feel that
someone is listening to us and trying to understand,
even if they don’t agree with us. When your teens’
emotions get too big and overwhelming, hearing a
parent “reflect” the feelings back (”You’re really
angry”) reassures your teen that you’re still
listening and that you’re not judging her feelings
or her right to have them. This takes you out of the
argument and puts your teen in charge of her own
feelings. Don’t worry about sounding dorky; it still
helps.
Don’t take on the
blame
Sometimes a teen may try to shift blame on to the
parent for setting a limit. Parents should listen to
requests to change a rule, and compromise when a
teen’s reasons make sense. If you’ve listened and
you still feel your limit is reasonable, stick to
it. You can do this without taking the blame for all
the things your teen is worried will happen.
Get curious
When your teen’s response seems way
out-of-proportion to the problem, get curious about
what else is going on. With a little encouragement,
your teen may be able to tell you what else is
bothering her and take the steam out of the
argument. Even if she doesn’t tell you, at least
she’s heard that you are trying to understand.
Set limits on
language, but don’t take it personally
Teens will sometimes stoop to pretty low stuff in an
argument, especially when they feel powerless or
frustrated. Girls are often good at reading other
peoples’ feelings. This quality, which made for a
very sweet and thoughtful pre-teen, can make for a
teenager who is good at saying just the thing to
hurt your feelings.
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Tip: Don’t take the
bait. When you can be calm, remind your teen that it is
not OK to be mean or use foul language. Make sure you
follow those rules too. |
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Afterwards, a parent may feel
devastated while their teen thinks, “What’s the big deal?
I just got angry”. If your teen starts throwing
emotional grenades (“No one can live with you,
that’s why Mom left”), you must not react to them.
Chances are, your teen doesn’t actually think
anything like that, but is feeling out of control or
wants to get you to respond. Reacting takes the
conversation off track, usually to a worse place. DO
NOT get pulled into a discussion about the divorce,
or your parenting, etc.
Take a break
When an argument seems like it’s going to get out of
control, emotionally or physically, take a break!
Leave the room and calm down. If your teen is really
hooked into the argument, you may need to get away
for a while to stop your teen from following you and
continuing to escalate. Leave the house if you have
to. Explain that you’ll come back and finish the
conversation when you’re both calmer, and then make
sure that you do.
Remember, when
you show your teen girl that her feelings won't
overwhelm you, you help her practice not letting
them overwhelm her, either. |
