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From Our House to Yours:
Teen Boys
In our last newsletter we
talked about some of the things we’ve learned from
working with teen girls. This time we’re talking
about teen boys. More than anything else, boys and
girls are individuals. There is no “one size fits
all” approach to dealing with teens. We have found,
though, that some things seem to work better when we
help families communicate with teen boys.
Boys and girls, like
adults, have the same five basic feelings: anger,
sadness, fear, happiness and embarrassment. What’s
different sometimes is how teen boys and girls
handle and express these feelings.
Many boys
are a little slower to mature emotionally than
girls. This doesn’t mean that boys aren’t as
sensitive or don’t feel things as deeply as girls.
In fact, boys sometimes get overwhelmed more easily
by strong feelings. When boys get overwhelmed,
they’re more likely to shut down or act like they
don’t care than, say, get into a screaming fight
with parents.
If a boy is going to let
his feelings out, he may express anger. At times it
can seem easier or more acceptable to a teen boy
to be angry than to admit feeling sad or scared.
Adults have to dig a bit to find out what the anger
is really about.
We sometimes hear from
families that their teen boy “never comes out of his
room”, or is so involved outside the house that it’s
hard to know what is going on with him. Like girls,
when boys become teens their friends and outside
interests become incredibly important. It can be
frustrating when a teen mentions that he “had a
really good talk with Coach” about something, even
though it seems he never talks at home any more.
It’s important for teens to feel that they aren’t as
dependent on parents and family as they used to be.
Boys often try to do this by keeping difficult
feelings quiet, or sharing with other people.
Keep it low-key.
Many boys are less
comfortable with “intense” conversations than girls
are. Talking face-to-face can feel too personal or
confrontational, and this can make a boy clam up
pretty quickly. Try doing an activity together that
lets you talk side-by-side (driving, working on
something together) so that you aren’t facing each other but
can still talk easily.
Do something active.
Boys often process
thoughts and feelings more easily if they can move
while they talk. Some boys who have a hard time
concentrating in school find it helps to pace while reading,
for example, or squeeze a stress ball during class. In
the same way, it can help to give a teen boy
something physical to do while talking. Shooting
baskets, raking leaves, even doing the dishes
together can help words flow.
Keep
it short. Boys
often don’t have the energy for long, drawn-out
emotional scenes. One of the benefits of talking in
the car is that, unless you’re on a long car trip,
your teen boy knows the conversation won’t last too
long. Just knowing this might help him feel
comfortable enough to open up.
Pick your battles.
Let your teen know that you understand his need for
privacy about some things, but that you will keep
asking about important stuff. “It’s OK for you not
to tell me everything about your friends, but you
always have to tell me where you’re going and when
you’ll be home”.
Be creative.
Sometimes, any
conversation can feel uncomfortable and threatening
to teens. Leaving notes, writing letters, or even
recording messages between you can help open lines
of communication. Let your teen know that you think
anything he has to share is important. And as
always, really listen when your teen does decide to
talk.
Don’t
give up. Most
of all, keep trying! Even if he sometimes acts like
he’s allergic to you, your teen desperately wants to
know that you are there to listen and help when he
needs you.
Remember, teens may not always be ready to
talk, but they always need someone who is ready to
listen. |
