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Limits
Explain the limits and rules in your home ahead
of time. Limits should be
fair and consistent, and as much as possible have
natural consequences. Natural consequences are the
ones that happen with little or no involvement from
you. If your teen needs to keep up her grades to
stay on a sports team, for example, then bad grades
will naturally end up in a consequence-getting cut
from the team. You don’t have to say a word. This
experience teaches your teen a powerful lesson. It
also tells her that you trust her ability to learn
it without a lecture from you.
Your child should know the
rules for everyday behavior and expectations, and
these rules should mostly stay the same from day to
day. “I expect you to do your homework after school
before you get on the computer” is a lot clearer
than “Be responsible”. If you act like you don’t
care about their homework on one day and then yell
about it the next, your child will feel confused,
anxious and angry. Plus, you’re not likely to get
the result you want.
It’s important to have
realistic expectations of teens. Predicting the
consequences of their actions, allowing enough time
to get everything done, putting chores before play
and ignoring the temptations of their peers are all
things that teens find very hard to do. New
research shows that teens’ brains are actually
different from adult brains. The parts of the brain
that let adults make thoughtful decisions, or put
work before excitement, haven’t fully grown yet in
teens. Structure, frequent reminders and help
making decisions are realistic ways to look at
teaching your teen to make responsible decisions.
Lying
Lying is often a huge source of conflict with
parents and teens. Many teens lie to avoid work
(“Sure I did my chores!”), avoid punishment (“The
report cards haven’t come out yet, I guess”) and
gain pleasure (“No, there won’t be boys or alcohol
at the party”). This behavior is common, and that
means that parents shouldn’t get too angry or worry
that their teen will grow up to be a bad person
because of occasional lying. However, this doesn’t
mean that parents should put up with it, either!
Let your teen know that you expect him or her to
tell you the truth, and if caught in a lie they will
be punished for the lie as much as the act itself.
If you do catch a lie, make it clear that this is
unacceptable. But remember that even with these
consequences, your teen may still try to lie at
times. Constant lying, to the point that you don’t
feel you can trust that your teen is safe, is a
problem that you should get counseling to help.
Anthony Wolf, a psychologist
who writes frequently for the parents of teens,
suggests that parents talk with their teen about
punishment-free situations. For example, parents
may want to ask teens to call home if they have been
drinking and need a ride home. The parent agrees to
pick up the teen, anytime, with no questions asked
and no lectures. These “bargains” should be made for
situations in which the possibility of harm (i.e.,
drunk driving) is too great to risk the teen lying
to avoid punishment.
Dr. Wolf points out that
parents often assume their rules aren’t effective if
the teen doesn’t follow them completely; for
example, when a teen come in at 12:00 instead of
11:00. Dr. Wolf argues that the rule actually is
working; otherwise, the teen would come in any time!
Something is reminding that teen to return, but the
need for independence, and not wanting to put
responsibility before fun, are keeping him or her
from following the rule completely. This is
frustrating, but parenting teens is all about
staying patient with small issues while working
toward the big goal-a safe, independent young
adult. Like lying, parents need to remind teens
that being late is unacceptable, and give a
consequence. Most teens, even though they might say
the consequence doesn’t matter, dislike displeasing
parents and will feel the “pull” of the rule.
Sometimes it takes a lot of confrontation and
consequences to make it worth it to the teen to
remember to come home, but parents should also be
willing to settle for some compromises when a teen
is making a genuine effort to improve.
Confrontation
This should happen as soon after
the event as possible. Remember, teens don’t always
do a great job of linking their behavior (I was
late) to an effect (Mom is mad and I’ve lost a
privilege), so if you wait too long to address the
problem, your teen might be genuinely confused or
upset at your behavior coming “out of nowhere”. On
the other hand, don’t confront your teen if you are
too angry to be responsible for your words or
actions. As the adult, you are responsible for
keeping a confrontation within the bounds of respect
and safety. If you are so angry that insults,
swearing or violence might occur, you need to either
stop the conversation or postpone the confrontation
until later.
When you are calm, explain the
rule and how your teen broke it. Listen to any
valid explanations, but do not get caught up in
excuses or arguments with your child. Teens have
lots more energy than adults! Often, teens think
that if they can just argue long enough, the parent
will back down out of exhaustion. Don’t let this
happen. A good rule of thumb is, never explain
yourself more than twice. After that, you can
safely assume that your child is no longer trying to
understand you or to make a new point, but trying to
wear you down.
Don’t get caught in the trap:
“You can’t prove it!” With reasonable evidence,
it’s OK to trust your judgment about what your teen
has been doing. “You’re right, I can’t prove
that you have been smoking pot. But your
appearance, behavior and the situation all make me
believe that you have, and without evidence against
it, I am going to act as though I am right. If I am
wrong, sorry. You are not allowed to smoke pot and,
as a result, you are grounded for a month [or
whatever].”
Trust your instincts as a
parent. Remember, no one knows your teen
better than you do!
Sources: Get Out of My Life! But First Could You
Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? A Parent’s Guide
to the New Teenager Anthony Wolf, PhD. Farrer,
Straus, Giroux 1991
“What Makes Teens
Tick?” Time Magazine, May 10, 2004 pp. 56-65
Next: Discipline Part
Three: Teenagers and Independence
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