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Over the years we’ve found that
parents and teens clash about rules and discipline
more than any other issue. To get a handle on
this, we think it’s helpful to look at how teens
develop. Some people have compared teenagers to
toddlers. Toddlers are finding out the limits of
their space and their power. They’re getting ready
to become children instead of babies, with bodies
they now have much more control over than before. A
teenager is in a similar position, going from being
a child to an adult. Their bodies are much bigger
and stronger than before. They’re more mentally and
emotionally mature, so they can handle more
complicated situations than they could before. If
they can drive or take public transportation, they
are now much more in charge of where they are, just
like a toddler learning to walk.
Some of the questions teens need to figure out are
basically the same issues of independence and
control-it’s just that the stakes are a lot higher.
If I can go to a supervised party, can I go to an
unsupervised one? Can my parents still make me do
stuff if I’m bigger than they are?
Rules should allow
teens to try out their new skills but keep them
safe:
The rules for a teenager need to let them explore,
without giving them more room than they can handle,
just like a toddler crawling up the stairs. Parents
need to say that some stairs are safe to explore on
your own, but some are not.
Teens, even though they would usually pick death by
torture rather than admit this, often feel really
unsure about what they’re ready to handle. Teens
still look at their parents or the caring adults
around them to see if they can, in fact, handle
things; if
they should be worried or not. Teens also need to
feel that someone is watching and paying attention,
ready to say “Hey! Not those stairs, not yet.”
Sometimes teens will behave badly, taking more and
more risks, to try to get some adult to do just
that.
New freedoms should
mean new responsibility:
Teens need to know that doing more things with
friends means letting adults know where you are.
Getting to put up your own things in your room means
keeping it reasonably clean (no health inspectors!).
Getting a job means taking responsibility for
getting yourself there and back, or letting adults
know in advance what transportation help is needed.
As teens get older, they usually get better at putting
themselves in someone else’s shoes. They should be
able to understand, for example, that someone will
worry if they are not home on time. They’ll probably
still need reminders, though!
New responsibilities
should mean new freedom:
When teens show parents that they can handle a new
level of responsibility, more freedom should follow.
“Since you called me every day this month when you
got home from school, I feel better about letting
you go to a friend’s house instead of coming
straight home.” When anyone learns a new skill,
there are slip-ups at first. Parents should talk
with their teen about expecting mistakes. “If you
forget to call me, I will worry. I will call all
your friends to figure out where you are. Then we’ll
need to talk about helping you remember better.”
Talking about this ahead of time will cut down on
the teen feeling she failed, or the parent feeling
she made a mistake in giving the teen a new
privilege.
However, lots of mistakes may mean the teen isn’t
really ready for the new freedom.
Teens need to understand that if they consistently
stop showing this new level of responsibility, the
new freedom will be taken back until they are ready
to try again.
Out and About:
Until teens are ready for adult independence,
parents or guardians need to know where teens are,
what they’re doing, with whom, how to reach them,
and when to expect them back. If they can’t give
this basic information, they shouldn’t be allowed to
go. Asking these questions, meeting friends,
friends’ parents and checking up means more work for
the parent in the short-term, but a more
responsible-and safer-teen in the long run.
Rules At Home:
Being an adolescent often means feeling two ways
about growing up. Teens love to remind adults that
they are not babies anymore-until it comes to
household responsibilities! Then many teens wish
(who wouldn’t?) that the grown-ups around them will
keep on doing all or most of the cooking, cleaning,
pet care, etc. like when the teen was little. This
does not mean they’re lazy, just that they’re human.
It’s OK for parents to allow a little babying after
a particularly rough time, but not to routinely give
into it. Teens need to get the message that they are
expected to contribute and help out at home. Parents
need to remind teens that freedom and responsibility go together.
Rules Should be
Consistent:
Teens need to know what you expect
of them, and it helps if they don’t have to
guess. No one is totally consistent all the time,
but teens should have a basic, day-to-day
understanding of what you want them to do and not to
do. Discussing rules, leaving notes around the house
or a message on a cell phone can remind your teen of
what you expect without feeling quite so much like
nagging. You might have to do some nagging too!
Remember to talk about family rules. Listening and
sometimes compromising about a rule can make a big
difference in how your teen feels about following
it.
Teens really need to know that you appreciate
their efforts. Let them know when they’ve made a
good decision, won your trust or done something
right. It matters!
Next: Discipline Part
Two: Limits, Lies and Confrontations |
