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Parents worry a lot
about teens. They worry their teen will get
into trouble, that their teen won’t be ready for
adulthood, that they don’t matter anymore with their
teen. We’ve learned that teens worry a lot too, and
good communication can help parents and teens work
this out.
Teens are mostly worried that they are going to be
treated like a baby forever, and at the same time
they worry that they aren’t ready yet to be a
grown-up. They worry about grades, school or finding
a job. They worry about sex, drugs and alcohol. They
worry about their families. They worry about their
friends, but mostly they worry about themselves. The
hard part about communicating with a teen is that
she doesn’t always tell you what she’s worried
about. This is because, for many teens, letting a
parent in on the problem means that the teen can’t
handle it herself; in other words, she’s still a little kid. Often
the most that parents get to see is an
uncommunicative or irritable teen, and the parent is
left wondering what they said to make their child so
angry.
The first step is recognizing that this stage
doesn’t last forever. Once teens start feeling more
comfortable about taking on grown-up stuff, usually
around ages 17 to 22, they feel less that talking to
a parent equals “being a baby”. In the meantime,
here are some things that we find make communicating
easier:
Make Your Point Fast:
When the lecture starts, teens stop listening.
Parents sometimes worry about making sure their
child “understands how important this is…”. Believe
us, chances are your teen already knows how you
feel. Keep your message short, calm and to the
point. “I expect you not to smoke. If I find out you
have been smoking, we will talk more about it. If
you need help or have questions you can always come
to me about it”.
Stay Cool:
Teens often think parents are
angry, even when it isn’t true. If you really are
angry, admit it and ask yourself if you can calm
down enough to talk it out. If the answer is no,
put off conversation for a time you can be
calm. Sometimes teens can be overly sensitive,
and they read a lot of things into a simple sentence
or question. It’s hard to put up with, but be
patient and let your teen know you’re not angry.
Chances are the “You’re always angry with me!”
tactic is really about your teen worrying (there it
is again!) that he or she is messing up in some way.
Allow for Space:
Don’t expect your teen to tell you
everything. Teens need to feel they can manage things
without parents. Sometimes they act like they are
allergic to parents to point out to everybody, and
mostly themselves, how grown-up they are. Let them do
this. Don’t listen in on conversations, don’t read
diaries, don’t snoop. On the other hand, explain
there are some things you need to know, like where,
who, when and what they’re doing (including online).
We know, it’s tricky.
Take Care of Yourself
(and Let Stuff Go):
Teens can be very thoughtless and hurtful at times.
It’s OK, and even important, to let your teen know
he made you angry or hurt your feelings, but don’t
keep the fight going or say hurtful things back “to
teach him a lesson”. You are the adult. Adults
take care of their own feelings. Children, including
teenagers, feel overwhelmed at the idea of being a
grown-up or taking care of one. Saying to your
teen “I’m so upset, but you can make me feel better
by…”, in other words, making him responsible for
fixing how you feel, is too hard for your teen to
handle.
Take Responsibility:
Teens become very good at catching
parents at making mistakes, fudging the truth or not
always living up to their own rules. This is part of
how a teen learns to look critically at herself and
the world. Be honest, and admit mistakes. Showing
your teen that you know you’re not perfect, and that
you’re OK with that, teaches her that it’s OK if
she‘s not perfect either. It also teaches honesty
and builds trust between you and your teen.
Most importantly, always tell your teen how much
you love him or her, no matter what. Communicate!
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